Episode 1: Starbucks

This episode was transcribed by Reddit user jtang8888 and posted to Google Docs.  Thanks!


Description: Our first episode! We hope you like it. This episode includes advice on asking out your barista at Starbucks, and other sticky situations

The start of it all. Raw, uncut, unedited.

Intro- “It’s recording? Yeah. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you the show, starts now.”
Jake: There we go.
Amir: That was awful. That was the first- that’s the way it’s going to start the first episode ever.
Jake: That was great, I rehearsed that for a year, before we even thought of the podcast I was rehearsing that.
Amir: Well, the name of the show is If I Were You, and, um, yeah this is the first episode. We’re not always going to have Jake do the intro music-
Jake: Though we should.
Amir: Well, we just haven’t thought of intro music yet and we wanted to get the show on as fast as possible.
Jake: So yeah for now we’re going to be, I’ll be trying out a different intro song every single week until you guys hate me enough that someone can send in a song that we can use instead.
Amir: That’s right. So this is the first and only advice podcast on the internet.
Jake: From us.
Amir: Hosted by us, yeah, exactly right. Um, I’m Amir,
Jake: And I’m Jake,
Amir: And we are-
Jake: Amir and Jake! And our names go in no other order.
Amir: Um, so the goal of the show is to take user submitted life conundrums and sticky situations and offer our advice.
Jake: Right, however qualified we are to give it.
Amir: Which is not very. The thing is we’re not really experts in any other field, so we figured a fun theme would be to maximize the fact that we don’t know what we’re talking about.
Jake: Right, which is also why we called the show If I Were You, so like this is just stupid advice that I would follow, not professional advice that you should follow.
Amir: We can’t be wrong, because this is just If I Were You. Right, it’s like we’re not offering facts, it’s just our opinions. How can my opinion on something be wrong? Let’s find out. Um, I guess let’s start with the first question. Do you have it?
Jake: Yes, I do. Our first question comes from…
Amir: Oh, let’s keep it anonymous.
Jake: Right, I was almost about to just reveal this person’s true identity and embarrass them.
Amir: Oh, you can email us and IfIWereYouShow@gmail.com.
Jake: Right, with your own person problems and conundrums, and we will give you advice.
Amir: That’s right, but we’ll totally keep it anonymous so you don’t have to worry. And we’ll do that by just making up a name and location for every person who emails in.
Jake: Right. This first one comes in from someone named Tram Hamburger.
Amir: Awesome. She must be German.
Jake: She’s from- Where do you want to say she’s from?
Amir: Um, I think it’s a male.
Jake: He’s from, ok…
Amir: Costa Mesa, Alaska.
Jake: Alright, Tram Hamburger from Costa Mesa, Alaska writes: “I have a huge crush on my barista. How do I ask her for her number without seeming like a total creep. Also, I want to be able to go to this Starbucks again.”
Amir: Is barista Starbucks specific?
Jake: I actually- I don’t think so. I think barista is anyone that works with coffee. I think. We’ve already proven that we shouldn’t give anyone advice. We don’t know what baristas are.
Amir: Alright, so, have you ever had a crush on a barista?
Jake: And not been able to- oh are you talking to me? I thought we were talking to the radio world. Have you ever had a crush on a barista? This song’s for you.
Jake & Amir: If I were you, if I were you-
Jake: Alright, um, I actually yeah I’ve had a crush on two different baristas. One, one like, well I guess I still have a crush on one of them, there’s this one where I used to live in LA, I shouldn’t even be talking about this, what if she’s listening? Ciana I miss you.
Amir: If she is, we’ve done a great job at marketing this
Jake: It’s playing in her Starbucks somehow right now. She’s running out to the street.
Amir: So this CD’s filled with Nora Jones songs, and a random podcast we found.
Jake: Uh, yeah so, I have had a crush on a barista, but I did not get her number, so I shouldn’t even be giving… If I were you, I would do absolutely nothing and just talk about it to my friends.
Amir: Well I guess you’re sort of a regular at Starbucks, more than anybody else I know, you try to go every day.
Jake: I do, I try to go to Starbucks every single day.
Amir: And you have no shame in that. Like there’s a lot of like, coffee hipsters and like coffee snobs, I guess.
Jake: Yeah, I mean, I really do, I love coffee. I just like it to taste like chocolate milk or something. Light, sweet, I love the taste of the sugar in the coffee, that’s what I like, and I like the way it wakes me up, I like having a routine, and oh, jeez- Starbucks gave us a lot of money for this podcast. All of these questions are Starbucks related.
Amir: Next question, how do i get that sweet, sweet refreshing flavor every morning? It’s easy, hop into a local Starbucks.
Jake: Why doesn’t Starbucks have a size bigger than a trenta?
Amir: A trenta. Is that the biggest size?
Jake: I think that’s what it’s called. They just came out with it last year maybe, or a few years ago? It’s like, tall, grande, venti, and trenta, and a trenta is like a double venti, it’s so huge. It’s comically large.
Amir: It’s the equivalent of a Big Gulp. Why, why do you ever need a trenta?
Jake: Dude, sometimes you just have those mornings.
Amir: These all sound like names we’ll make up on the podcast. Trenta, from Walla Walla, Florida writes… Um, alright so you have a huge crush on your barista-
Jake: How do you get her number without seeming like a total creep.
Amir: That is a hard proposition, cause all they do is ask you for your order then ask you for your name.
Jake: Right, like I would like a grande sweetened iced coffee, and uh, to spend the rest of my life with you.
Amir: I’d love a trenta anything, and a grande life, with you.
Jake: I promise you it will be, quite grande.
Amir: My name is also my phone number.
Jake: Oh, that’s a good idea, maybe you have to give her your phone number.
Amir: Or give your email instead of your name.
Jake: Right, that’s a pretty nice little idea.
Amir: So what’s the person’s made up name, Tram Hamburger? So she’d be like “Hey, what’s your name?” and you’ll say “Tram Hamburger, at gmail.com”
Jake: Oh, that’s kinda cool. That’s very subtle, very sexy.
Amir: And then she just writes it down and gives it back to you.
Jake: The guy making the coffee starts emailing you.
Amir: NOOO!
Jake: Did we give advice yet?
Amir: Um, writing your email address is a pretty solid tidbit of advice.
Jake: It’s pretty cute. I think you just have to be like- I mean, this isn’t necessarily if I were you advice, but if I really had a crush on her, you just have to be 100% honest, you have to just go for it.
Amir: Yeah, but you never actually do that in real life.
Jake: Right, that’s true. Like, hey, you’re really cute, and I’d feel stupid if I didn’t get your number.
Amir: Yeah, it’s so easy to say that you will do that and say like “what’s the worst that can happen?”
Jake: I’m afraid to ask girls for their number if I’m talking to them and it’s going insanely well.
Amir: Yeah, and you’ll never see them again.
Jake: Right, it’s like we’re totally hitting it off, “alright, yeah, I’m going to go, we should hang out, get a drink sometime. I don’t know, we’ll run into each other, bye.”
Amir: Well yeah, that’s so funny, what’s the worst that can happen? Like she’d actually get offended, or angry, or hurt you in some way?
Jake: Right, she throws hot coffee in your face?
Amir: “Excuse me, no, you cannot have my number, and in fact, this is a shaming of you now”
Jake: “Now you get burned!
Amir: “Take your pants off.” But like, how do you go back into a Starbucks after she’s like “no, I’m ok, I don’t really want to give you my number” and then you have to show up the next day.
Jake: “Of course, of course, and I’ll have my uh, triple caramel macchiato, and um, actually you know what, slit my throat. Can you slit my throat for me?”
Amir: “I’m obviously too much of a pussy to do anything ever again, so I’d like you to do me that one favor.”
Jake: “A trenta iced water, and punch me in the eye. Cause you’ve already punched me in the heart.”
Amir: A trenta iced water?
Jake: You gotta get a trenta iced water sometimes. I just have to cool off.
Amir: No, no, no, I need a bigger cup of iced water. It’s all free. God, killing yourself at a Starbucks, what a sad way to go.
Jake: That’s the saddest eulogy ever, “Uh, Jake Hurwitz was a good man, a kind man, no, no, no, no. You all saw he killed himself at a Starbucks right?” That rabbi has the hardest job ever.
Amir: “That happened right, I wasn’t just imagining it?”
Jake: “Should any of you guys even be here? Why are you mourning him? He couldn’t get a number at a Starbucks, and he asked for a knife and then slit his throat.”
Amir: “Can you frickin’ believe it? I guess he must’ve heard it on some sort of podcast or some shit.”
Jake: If I were you, I would ask for her number, and if you don’t get it, publically kill yourself at Starbucks.
Amir: Oh, god, you awful human.
Jake: Jesus Christ, don’t do that. The email thing, I think that’s the way to go.
Amir: I’ll give him more conservative advice, don’t do anything, because you want to go to this Starbucks again, you don’t want to embarrass yourself.
Jake: Right, I think that actually is really good advice, cause you don’t really want her number and to take her out on a date, you like to get up every morning and be like, I’m going to go see Ciana at the Starbucks- that was the name of my Starbucks crush.
Amir: I’m going to go see-ana.
Jake: That’s what I used to call it actually. But you know, you don’t want to ruin that. Like that’s the best part of any relationship, like this glorious little beginning having a crush, don’t ruin it. Keep on going to Starbucks, keep on seeing Ciana.
Amir: Yeah that’s really lovely but also incredibly depressing. Like, the greatest part of your relationship is the part before it even began.
Jake: That’s where I’m at right now.
Amir: Alright, I’ll read the next question.
Jake: Cool.
Amir: This one is from Trod Cheeseburger, no, uh, Girlstend Den, from Miami of Delaware writes: “My girlfriend and I was invited to a fancy dinner by my boss and his wife.” It’s were invited, but that’s fine. We won’t make fun of every typo, feel free to submit as you were. “We want to say yes, but we can’t afford it. Do you think we will pay or they will pay? Do they expect us to pay? How do I go about asking this?”
Jake: Wow that’s just a poorly constructed email.
Amir: He was frantically writing it while his boss was asking him.
Jake: It was in a cab on the way to the dinner. “Aww shit, we was just invited to a fancy dinner, and do they expect us to pay? How do we go about this?”
Amir: “Please record and upload the podcast, we are inching up to the valet right now and we can’t afford it.”
Jake: In the bathroom during an eighteen course tasting.
Amir: “Trenta iced waters all around, on me, you guys get the food, I get the water”
Jake: “We just finished our second bottle of a very expensive red wine, and I fear I may be, may be in the hole for this dinner, as I’m buzzed and offered to pay for the entire thing.”
Amir: “I’ve already put my credit card and demanded that I pay for it, so I’m worried that he’ll take me up on it.”
Jake: “I think I just bought the restaurant.”
Amir: Ah, so what would you do if your boss…
Jake: If I was invited to a fancy dinner?
Amir: Yeah, if you was invited, what would you do? I guess you have to say yes, because it’s a good way to get in with your superior.
Jake: Right, and I mean, I don’t want to give the advice about lying, but you could always like say yes, go, forget your wallet, your boss obviously, he’ll cover it, and then you just say “oh I’ll get you back” then avoid him for the rest of your life.
Amir: Because that’s the beautiful part of your job, is the part before your boss hates you.
Jake: That’s the best part.
Amir: So, gosh, yeah what would I do? I guess I would- oh you know what you could do is offer to choose a less expensive restaurant, so email him back and be like “wow, that place is awesome but I don’t know if I can afford it, can we eat at a cheaper place?”
Jake: Yeah, that’s nice, I think that’s the way to go. That’s honest, it’s enthusiastic, it’s saying yes like you want to do it, it’s not like “I don’t want to have dinner with you and your wife, it’s like I want to go somewhere that’s affordable for everybody.”
Amir: That’s right. Then he’ll respond and be like “Nonsense! We’re eating at the fancy place.”
Jake: “And you’re fired!”
Amir: “You’re going to be fired at the end of it…”
Jake: “Me, my wife and your boyfriend are having a menage et trios, and you’ll be eating at McDonalds.”
Amir: “It’s his girlfriend, but yeah, the joke still stands. The mengae et trios is still happening.” That’s pretty sound advice actually. I’m pretty proud…
Jake: Of myself
Jake & Amir: I feel proud of myself.
Jake: Should we move on?
Amir: Yeah let’s do it.
Jake: This next question comes from Taminy Jenkins.
Amir: I went to high school with her.
Jake: Taminy Jenkins from Sarajevo…
Amir: Colorado.
Jake: Sarajevo, Colorado. She writes: “My best friend wants to work at my company, and my boss emailed me to ask me for a recommendation. I love her, but I know she will be an awful employee. Do I tell the truth and have her not get the job, or should I be a good friend and recommend her?” That’s a conundrum.
Amir: Yeah, that’s a good one.
Jake: And that is, do do do do do, we’re stumped. Moving on.
Amir: We get one pass a show, and this one is more than it. In fact, let’s pass on the next couple, cause they are also quite hard.
Jake: That is perfect. Let’s go back to the barista one, since that one was ah, easy.
Amir: Somewhat solvable for us. And the show is over.
Jake: We have been stumped, and we are done.
Amir: The fourteen minute mark marks the end of the podcast run.
Jake: Not the end of this episode, but the end of everything.
Amir: Clearly we were in way, way, way over our heads…
Jake: Thought we could give advice but we SUCK.
Amir: “My best friend wants to work at a company and my boss emailed me for a recommendation. I love her, and I know she will be an awful employee.” So, could you imagine being best friends with someone who would be an awful employee? Like I wouldn’t befriend someone like that.
Jake: Umm…
Amir: Oh, what are you… ok… are you saying?
Jake: Just, yeah, just staring daggers right now Amir.
Amir: I’m just glad that you think we’re best friends.
Jake: Oh cool. I think, you know, I kinda think I would just have to tell the truth, and I would say, you know you could number one tell your friend that “I don’t think this just is right for you,” you might be able to tell her why.
Amir: Yeah, “This job isn’t right for you, I think it’s more geared towards a competent human being, and you are not that.”
Jake: Or you could, you know, you could just tell your boss the truth and not tell your friend the truth, but in like the- in order to serve the greater good, which is preserving your friendship at the cost of your best friend’s career.
Amir: So there’s a way to, so instead of like, being damned if you do and damned if you don’t, you’re saying there’s a way to like conserve your job and also your friendship by lying to the girl and telling her not to apply.
Jake: Right but you’ve told the boss the truth. I think that sorta cancels it out.
Amir: So you tell the boss the truth and lie to your friend.
Jake: One truth one lie.
Amir: You’re back at neutral, you’re still getting into heaven.
Jake: That’s all that matters. Heaven is God tallying up all the truths and lies you’ve told, like “hey, ooh,”
Amir: “You’re one under par,”
Jake: “200,000 truths, and 200,001 lies, so uh, to Hell with you.”
Amir: “To Hell with you.”
Jake: That’d be the saddest thing to hear God say, you’re just getting over the awe that He exists.
Amir: Why is God the one doing the math?
Jake: Cause he’s God-to be.
Amir: Doesn’t he have an angel in charge of that?
Jake: Nope, all God is just letting you in to the playground of heaven.
Amir: But there should at least be like a Jewish angel in charge of tabulating the score.
Jake: That’s true, that’s true. Or it might be the devil, maybe it’s a devil thing. “To heaven with you,” if you have enough truths.
Amir: So you’re saying lie to the boss. Or, tell the truth to the boss and lie to the friend.
Jake: I think also, before you do anything, why don’t you sit down for a long time and try to think why you think your friend would be bad at this job, and maybe there’s a chance that you could guide her, be sort of a mentor to her, and you know, then it could be a great thing, it’s like, you work with your best friend and she’s really excelling at this company, and you know, the two of you can work well together.
Amir: Nah, that’s not going to happen.
Jake: Kill yourself at a Starbucks.
Amir: That’s how all of our advice ends.
Jake: What’s your advice? What if you were Taminy?
Amir: I think I would lie to my friend and say that I told my boss. I would be like, “Told him, ohh, you didn’t get the job? You know what it is, it’s probably a lot of it is bureaucracy and red tape,” and I assume if your friend is as incompetent as you say she is she won’t even know what that means and you’ll get off scot free.
Jake: “Sorry, you know, red tape,” and she can just find another job.
Amir: Perhaps at a red tape factory. Alright, next question. We are chugging right along.
Jake: Yeah.
Amir: Let’s take a break, let’s take a breather.
Jake: Let’s take a little breather.
Amir: We’re going to try to release this podcast once a week. Once, every Monday, for 30 to 45 minutes of advice. And I think that’s a pretty good total running time. We don’t want to overboard people. Some of my favorite podcasts are very long, but they can get a little bit too long.
Jake: That’s right. So, if you have conundrums, questions, if you want some life advice, the email is: IfIWereYouShow@gmail.com and you can write us in and let us know what you’re struggling with.
Amir: And you can include a fake name too if you don’t trust us to come up with one for you.
Jake: As good as Taminy Jenkins, or, what was yours?
Amir: Um, I already forget.
Jake: Something Den.
Amir: Tram Hamburger I think was one of them?
Jake: Tram Hamburger was one, then there was Sherden’s Den, Den, or something like that.
Amir: And the questions, I guess the better questions have more details is what I’m trying to say.
Jake: That’s true.
Amir: Do you think we should edit this podcast or just leave everything in?
Jake: I like the idea of leaving everything in.
Amir: Naturale. Like when we were nervous at the beginning, just leave it in cause it might be like charming.
Jake: Yeah, exactly. Now I’m not nervous at all.
Amir: Yeah, me neither.
Jake: Cause now I know it sucks
Amir: Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Jake: I hope that’s a theme, like someday we’re on like episode 1000 and we’re still talking about killing ourselves at a Starbucks
Amir: In the future, when Starbucks no longer exist.
Jake: No I want to be broadcasting it live from a Starbucks. Cianna just sitting on my lap. “I can’t believe you ever thought that this wouldn’t work out. That you liked just having a crush on me.” “Well now I love you. Now you’re carrying my son.”
Amir: A boy can dream.
Jake: And nothing else.
Amir: Alright, two questions left let’s try to get to them. Right, I guess, should we say that there are five questions per show, or just see how long it takes us to get through a half an hour. Some will have more, some will have less.
Jake: Yeah, that’s what I’m for. Like it’d be kind of fun to spend one episode doing a ton of advice for one problem. On the other hand, it’d be kind of fun to do like, you know, rapid fire. Just like…
Amir: Lightening round. Yeah, that’s fun. Alright, next question is: “I live with three dudes,”
Jake: Who’s it from?
Amir: Oh um, QD Zeb.
Jake: QD Zeb.
Amir: Clearly not a Martian. “I live with three earthlings and we want to move to a cool carbon place.”
Jake: QD Zeb writes from “Planet Earth, I swear to God.”
Amir: “We’re just three normal carbon beings hanging out eating human food and we were wondering,”
Jake: “Listening to your Taylor Swift,”
Amir: “Eat, seek, destroy, eat, seek, destroy. Oh my god…” Listening to your Taylor Swift…
Jake: Wait so was QD Zeb? QD Zeb writes: “I live with three dudes, and we want to move to an apartment with just two of them. Do we just kick the third guy out or move to another place? We love our apartment. Help.” Wow, so you, basically, QD has three roommates, two of which he enjoys, and I assume the other two roommates feel the same way. Basically, three people dislike their fourth roommate.
Amir: It’s funny to listen to the question in the lens of “he is the awful guy,” where like his three friends hate him and he’s like, “Yeah! Two of us want to move out and we don’t like that third guy.” He’s writing this email why his other three friends are moving out. “Anyway, we got this place filled with boxes and we just love it, but this third guy is a real earthling.”
Jake: He comes out of his room, “Hey guys, I emailed everybody on the podcast, whoa, no,”
Amir: I have a place to myself this is amazing.
Jake: I guess if I’m QD, if I’m Zeb and I can’t go back to my home planet, it’s sort of like- can you afford the place without a fourth roommate? That’d be kind of dope, kick that guy out, now you have a home office.
Amir: Are you waiting for an answer?
Jake: Yeah, yeah.
Amir: Email us back. That’d be cool to have phone calls once in a while.
Jake: We should do that.
Amir: If somebody writes in with a really cool question, we should be like “can we call you back when we’re recording and you can explain it to us live.”
Jake: Oh that’s a great idea.
Amir: There we go.
Jake: Yeah, we’ll have callers. And even if we have to call them, I want to pretend I got a caller on a switchboard.
Amir: Ohh, yeah.
Jake: “Alright, QD Zeb you are on the air. You’re live. Go.”
Amir: You’re live?
Jake: “You’re live on this podcast that we may or may not edit.”
Amir: So you’re saying, kick him out and try to afford the rent increase.
Jake: I don’t know, I’ve never had this problem where- I mean, I’ve had roommates where I didn’t want roommates anymore and I just moved out on my own. So like, I’ve never had, you know, two friends I wanted to live with and a fourth guy we didn’t like.
Amir: Right.
Jake: I guess if it were me I’d just try to make that situation really unlivable for the fourth roommate until he finally just like, “Hey alright, fuck you guys, you’ve been assholes for a very long time. I’m moving out.”
Amir: Just force him out. Kind of like when you’re in a bad relationship instead of breaking up with them, you just act like a terrible person until the other person breaks up with you.
Jake: Yeah, that’s the move.
Amir: This is the equivalent here.
Jake: That’s what’s going to happen with me and Cianna eventually. If everything goes according to plan.
Amir: You’re also going to get her to move out my leaving crumbs everywhere. It’s funny if you make the place disgustingly unlivable but this fourth guy is just like, “Alright, finally, we can hang out and have a good time. I was worried you guys were like neat freaks.”
Jake: “I thought you were a bunch of squares.” I also like imagining this fourth roommate’s like super nice, like he’s the cool one, the other guys are just like, “Yo, we want to leave this place a mess, we want to fuckin’ stay up ‘til 6 A.M. blasting music and shit.”
Amir: “Friends, if you wanted to, I could’ve gotten a studio, a pied-à-terre where I can spend my weekends. You didn’t have to go through all this effort.”
Jake: “Just be honest with me.”
Amir: “Whoa, you have horns and antlers coming out of your forehead.”
Jake: So what would you do?
Amir: I think I, God that is tough, I would probably have like a roommate meeting and be like, “Alright guys, me and guy- cool guy #1 and cool guy #2 were talking about moving out. We don’t want to like, all move in together cause we want like a smaller place. We still love you Frank, I just hope you don’t mind we have to live somewhere without you and move out and leave the apartment.”
Jake: Oh and then he’s like, like yeah, you basically say the apartment stays abandoned and he has to find a new place. And once he does, you say, “Oh, you know what, I think we’re going to renew the lease.”
Amir: “We actually, weird shit is, we changed our mind!”
Jake: “Unfortunately for you Frank, you’ve already paid the broker’s fee and signed a lease…”
Amir: “You’re kind of pot-committed as it were to getting the fuck out of here.”
Jake: “Anyway, we will not help you move.”
Amir: That’s funny, it’s like, “Alright, we’re all moving out tomorrow. Move out day, tomorrow at noon.”
Jake: “You have a goodbye party.”
Amir: Frank has all of his stuff in boxes and realizes you guys aren’t going anywhere.
Jake: “Yeah, shoot, I think we might just end up staying cause this place is dope, right?”
Amir: “Anyway, see ya, *door slams on face*.” Wow, we’re almost out of time, but we have one more question to get to. We kind of timed this up really well.
Jake: What’s our time right now?
Amir: 25 minutes.
Jake: That’s really nice. Nice ol’ 25 minute podcast. Let’s end it right now, actually.
Amir: No, no, no, no, no, we still have one more- 25 is the perfect length, bye. “My mom painted me-” Oh, who wrote this?
Jake: This one is from Boxalina Jarface
Amir: Okay.
Jake: There’s not a box or a jar on this table you I promise you.
Amir: There’s both. “My mom painted me a gift for Mother’s Day. I just had my first child.” Ooh, there’s a little Jarlina in the house.
Jake: Ooh.
Amir: “A painting of me holding my infant daughter, which seems nice, but it’s really ugly. Do I need to hang it up?”
Jake: Wow. That’s a conundrum.
Amir: I like this question cause it’s- well all five of these questions sort of represented the cross section of advice characteristics. Question, quality- see, this is something that I would edit out, but I won’t.
Jake: “I am talking with no end in sight, someone stop me.”
Amir: “There’s no period coming any time soon.” So I think, oh what I was saying is that we got like a family question in, a romance question in, a friendship question in, a professional question. Everything sort of-
Jake: We ran the gambit.
Amir: Exactly. So don’t feel embarrassed or shy to ask us or email us any type of question, and if it’s not good enough we just won’t talk about it. It’s that easy. *robot voice* IfIWereYouShow@gmail.com.
Jake: *singing* IfIWereYouShow@gmail.com. Should I sing the play again?
Amir: No, we’ll play it one more time at the end as like an outro song and that’ll be the last time you ever play it.
Jake: If anybody wants to play it at home, I believe the chords are C, F, C, G. So…
Amir: Write it down. And, “My mom painted me a gift for Mother’s Day. I just had my first child. A painting of me holding my infant daughter, which seems nice, but it’s really ugly. Do I need to hang it up?” That’s a good question.
Jake: Yeah. If I were you, I would’ve never had a child, number one, that’s your first mistake.
Amir: I’m just not ready for it.
Jake: I guess I would probably, like you know you have paintings hung up in your house, you could probably just hang it up when your mom was coming over. Is it like…?
Amir: Oh that’s good.
Jake: That’s it. Just keep it in a closet most of the time and then when your mom’s going to come over just take down some other painting and hang it up.
Amir: The second worst painting. You just take it down, you switch it up. But what if the one time she comes over…
Jake: Right she like pops in. Right I guess that’s a problem, if you don’t know when your mom’s going to be there or not. Or you’re just like you post a picture on Facebook in your house and your mom comments, “Um, where’s my painting?”
Amir: Dislike button. So, I think I would put it up in a place where you can’t really see.
Jake: Yeah but the mom’s going to see that. She’s going to know exactly what you’re doing. I think when you paint a painting for someone you’re like very aware of where it’s hung.
Amir: That’s funny. Just like leave it- like hang it up, still two inches above the ground so it looks it’s just resting.
Jake: Face it the other way.
Amir: “I want the wall to see it.”
Jake: You know what’s a good little spot for it? Behind a door that you leave open a lot. It seems like it’s a prime location, near a door, but the open door usually blocks it or something.
Amir: That’s right. And then if your mom’s like, “Why don’t you put it in a more prominent place?”
Jake: “Fuck you mom! Your painting sucks!”
Amir: “It’s an ugly gift, that’s why.”
Jake: Or just have your infant daughter like spill something on it or tear it down.
Amir: Oh, she’ll never suspect the infant daughter. And she can’t get mad at it, she’ll be like, “Haha, that’s ironic, cause it’s you holding the thing that destroyed my painting.”
Jake: Yeah it’s kind of a fun story. Isn’t that nice?
Amir: That’s what you’re giving her for Mother’s Day.
Jake: You should ask your dad for advice, cause he probably has to deal with your mom’s stupid art all the time.
Amir: Their apartment is awful. It’s chopped brennan filled with awful paintings.
Jake: “You know what, just go with it ok? It’s your mother.”
Amir: “I know I did. And you came out.”
Jake: Amir was just smoking a fake cigarette.
Amir: No it’s a real cigarette.
Jake: Oh, shit.
Amir: Alright, that’s five good questions, five amazingly hilarious answers. What else do you need?
Jake: I guess nothing. Delete all your other podcasts. Unfollow every podcast. It’s us or nobody.
Amir: No, that’s a terrible message! You can listen to other podcasts, but thanks so much for listening to ours. We wanted to say thanks to Soundcloud for hosting our podcast, they’re an amazing service and they do awesome stuff, they make it possible for people to listen to our podcast online. Thank you Soundcloud. Thanks to my brother Ben for making that cool icon, the art that you see when you’re listening to the-
Jake: Right, the cover art. Check that out.
Amir: It looks like we’re part of a hip folk duo.
Jake: Which is why we’re playing this folksy song.
Amir: And until next week, thanks for listening. We hope you come back. I feel like a lot of people will listen to the first podcast, and then it’ll slowly dwindle and plateau at the amount of people that will actually be listening to the podcast.
Jake: Until it’s zero and we’re just killing ourselves at a Starbucks.
Amir: And that’ll be our last episode.
Jake: Remember to write in at IfIWereYouShow@gmail.com.
Amir: That’s right. Alright, play us out.
Outro- “If I were you, if I were you if I were you the show- ‘Worse’ ‘Yeah what happened there’ ‘Dot com. Oh we do have a website. IfIWereYouShow.com. That’s perfect.’ ‘The show…’ ‘Dot commmmm. See ya everyone!’”

  1 comment for “Episode 1: Starbucks

  1. tony
    April 4, 2015 at 12:30 am

    I actually found this transcription that someone created in a google doc. If you own this let me know.

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