Episode 100: Family Fiction (with Ben Schwartz and Thomas Middleditch!)


Ben Schwartz AND Thomas Middleditch join us on our 100th episode! They advise, they sing, and they… get real. They really do.

This episode is brought to you by Stamps.com (buy and print online postage) andSquarespace.com (create a professional looking website in minutes!)

we made it we did an episode of 100 for
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thanks to you guys think the stamps dot
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that we’re recording this

in a in a bedroom in London yeah yeah if
you’re still mad her fearless the deal

has you can still come

there’s a live podcast and a live show
as traders not going to be there but we


and honestly we ate you we owe it to
ourselves to make it a great show

yet because fuck streeter mark Streeter
hash tag by

three rather than NFL hamburger

I don’t agree with that okay bucks ride
it out at the low negative

you said it first let’s Melissa there
you go

I building up what you started like yeah

senator has got his was the years I’ve
yeah let the

let’s get into it this is episode 100 we
are not only bennies shorts but Tamim


I in the same room at the same time not
only do we get them but we also got

real hola day I let’s do this



but only you

with Jake and Amir to combat it but I
wouldn’t do

Sherm a tear as said if

hi were you I make up my mom and a real

if Jake was you he’d probably let you
shock is dead

and a that

superstar years area about moved a

decade didn’t know if that’s what the
songs about

I’ll tell Jake showed a week

you have amassed be Assad in the shower

Diddy hits ways inflows like this but
you don’t know until you see impairs

holding hands lookin manager there in
the eyes and kiss him

that’s right we hold each other chair

owns real good get each others eyes when
we kiss

four dudes KSG


hurts care say

staring in %eh others have

is yeah


a here I’m hours so bad

I got us a little bit and Ben Schwartz

Jake on guitar thank you first guess

recorder their own insure music that was
really good kinda beautifully yeah

for the end can’t wait to hear that back
in seven months it was cool cuz the

over-under on Dec church was 91 seconds
and we got it right in

admiring abuse I messed myself up lower
I said something they could rhyme with

deck and yeah

like Niners game over yet known as a all
round today gotta find out about wait

but Jakes name before the wording
literally that some eyebrows as was

it was really nice without is trying to
IM not look at the Qatar

yeah but I like it intermittently hear
things about my penis for those

are you try not to listen yet yet
another weather latham and I’m like

really bad at the time is we’re just
grown man whose

pinnacle idea humor is that night

geographically yeah showed Iran all oh

days not over 30 de que el día x22 for

0 22 years ya know

my little cousins best friend well
that’s other web series started

and that’s okay cap but episode 100

hey we get a guy’s set up with lard 100
but a little or you done times together

with a fifty in those under

I would say you’ve done about a tenth of
that together you’ve done five or six

like that Arthur and your third now
you’ve both done probably

Thomas is done three designer this work

and this is my third on my 4th the event
yet what we did to the first time plus


when we’re just gonna go other time
veterans at the two veterans and her

number one hundred

but this is whatever for shows with four
guests to so that’ll be

I terrible idea maybe till might get 20
questions Thomas

I’ll won the bet a diff well known as we
never got to questions o.o is asked to

wait one more second

are so we can continue to bid on this
one without

just like maybe I like the question
becomes a I know

dennis is gonna be aware was arriving
begin but we get to a question he

retired really yeah how I just like
talking I like listening then but

but all that I want to help the little
boys and girls their little devising a

as fly to tie you remember them I can
you do

that’s me from hook not sp3 what about 3

I at a bad is made I think it’s me
that’s a good decision me

that’s just me she was there be for Mary

shareholder me in the man a robust up

that’s what I was right yeah thomas also
ran into are we actually did we talk

about our ads I for got it all but we
invented that right now we’re at and

where that symphony in the only the

I there though the drivers are the best
cook for that he said it was like

the widest place it’s ever been over
there was a I don’t know

why did you go to a symphony with but
when I clergy keno

I’ll does the score for up and he was
perform his performance was fantastic

but everybody was I thought was really
good was just a very different not

temple but he it was a him performing up

and then a bunch different people and I
enjoyed it very much and then

d Kendrick Lamar close that Kendrick
mother kind gentle Mario the

we actually had to leave halfway through
the reforms nope and so we can see

Kendrick are related really

closed I done it was alright it was like
90 are now I know I am an asshole

hey yeah good model could be and someone
to take a picture 8

yes we laid national a-1 take a picture
and then we said get the middle

nash’s so she said I’ll are now we say
what you want to be in she said i wanna

be in the middle

namely about 50 and Amanda L

and then in my brain she just left you
guys are still think yeah by the way

190 let let them yeah our thang another
held out Iraq and something it’s on my

mind on repeat human being

the best part is I thought Thomas with
had his phone towards I had my phone to

Thomas house filming

are the orchestra behind a min Thomas
enough tom is put his phone

on me I was recording and I was laughing
a and then he showed me as video and he

was taken a video of him yeah I wanted
to give you a me at all

another video in him yet so he had two
different angles themself

I thought I was so fun what they’re
doing that song that guy though I

legitimate easy he was going I wanna
read that Elijah bride on man lying on

Broadway he was going Hollywood oh yeah
every tiny boobies Hollywood a

and Simon rich and something else pass I
have been a red I can release and ridges

on that side as that he was named after

yep probably right because the Sun
predates him

yeah from I but I was a fun night show
even explain how the show Archer he made

it this far its

pretty or maybe just the intro maybe
this is the first time people are

listening him a quick whatever

but you know it’s because yeah it is
there’s a chance the people are just

tuning cuz ive y’all

what new listener they go 100 at the
that’s what I want my little else are

over the anniversary and then you’d be
completed through I but less than I

agree that what happened I think all
these new listeners a propaganda

pass reference ok but really up but I I
would if I find the slope I guess before

and it had like

hundredth anniversary out here and that
you would get people you like to play

with on a

okay or at least bigger celebrities yeah
provisioning makers lovers like to go

do you know anybody I’ll only you didn’t

no I get a guy you can we got there you
got a guy

a big boy I i to go on with big boy yeah

at the air I’ll you can be compared his
bike I just love texting bigger


to see if they’ll look like as for how
it called I go to you guys phone just

text in whoever

is there someone more famous than you
that you can text in get here in the

next 45 minutes

no common yeah make still

I we have to make still fellow make
still may be a down economy by

who like to return a ring people that
some we probably get a

a lou we can get who lives where were
you guys love

who does live where we let me paint the
picture we are right now man Thomas on a


if you wanna me Amir Blumenfeld wearing
nothing but

purple shorts or underwear be honest I’m
wearing shorts and underwear

tricky but %um buddy %uh they

great ain’t up a green shorts no wonder
no underwear

it’s very hot in their place yeah it’s
always warm here

yeah and while we’re here and we’re here
in the Solaris I don’t think I’ve ever

start the show

I’m sorry actually at a mystery you
what’s wrong man

as the moderator he’s not really that
early you know go now he’s excited he’s

excited here just you’re just sitting
here in our

diabaly make I have to get this call
this is crazy right

who is it’s my dad day per month know
just how to mod

it’s not really my daughter just
checking out alright so how does absurd

or have the show workwear as the device
podcast and people email us

in need love our help and sometimes it’s
just me and Jake it served as we have a

friend in today we have to do

look at the specially K age our 100th

Thomas middle-age and Ben Schwartz if
you guys don’t know who these people are

a sign up for ninety be pro account
right you guys on regular IMDB or just

the probe think is the proper because
the pro

just the pro you get me out there on the
and yeah but

haha what happened he just got a

yeah I got it I got I go back stuff and
Ben as they were speaking with

touching and rubbing and massaging and
being a kind gentleman

but then hit the store one I had the
bones netlist mine

well with rebounding sweet doctor iris
to take care that

could boom skinny tell me the hearing
from me and you play that you put a cap

a 10-play have him back

my back is killing me today brownie
points thing well as we are now we hear

from within and we

expel negative energy with that’s fine
but you might if you fix my back okay

what’s going to happen to me down and
assess your engine sort of see where

and nice keep the Energy Partners feel
riverton k well and feeling you

and I can see here there’s a kink in
shock but they can you please take note

please keep the shocking your write-up
on Canada pointing to an okay just to

remind you that we hear from within and
get the negative and just great new

7-inch say now find a bone

and tell me a it’s just about this is a
bonus keep his push for their hands

weird but is that what is that a diamond
well as a diamond a

thats Tamil activates its peers from
beyond the grave no I don’t care about

that you actually out what it was

sir the jury is an implicit Weber a.m.

don’t use need to fix my bag now it’s
time to Gmail baths

just put your hands on it at the steel

feels great what is a and hold free then

out %uh such a large abrir the mango

shootout agree in the matter for

do you regret this Niamey

but I had baby izumi for seventy our
podcast a

give us a question I want them I had
before we ask questions to ask you if

you don’t know now I know the plan that
would ban the women identified

when the Jews wear underwear when you
choose not to run or why did you choose

not to enter and how long we go to you
get in your car love it

I like to go ahead later did not wear
underwear I’m wearing shorts

like that we’ll hear what like a silly I
am I am I think

but that’s the time he should run to
work is that some people can look up

your shorts your balls and penis

I don’t think anybody can see my balls
and hitting a ball pin is Rayna

well I did if I won it at a certain
angle meter and there’s a possible

I know I’m but the shirt I don’t think
you can you’re right but I wear baggy

baggy shorts paper take

I don’t care if I would see apollo p.m.
I don’t yet on a given a basic my baller

penis I would have been a pretty weird
position first

someone like get a good look for a long
time it might be an adventure

it’s okay to the globe that’s fine
acclaim a single at work but that’s okay

well I think dealer Glenn

I live as I misspoke what the net the

that gonna do however shadow that a glib
a single day I

not to do nobody misspeak an Aspie
cather misspeak

got 2 for 2 G’s misspeak what you want
to for food

William it will ever let us pick to get
a TV here for 11 seasons and weather


a no great miss the word how you gonna
get to a question

donor 30 I well there’s always time for
question we get when you use the area

know if you want to get

3 no big deal holiday like it I’ll it is
the lead

the questions are the funnest part with
the comedy 0 I

tracking have a bye have a quick I’ve
done before the visual 3/4 II you have a

lot is not a question after the first
time I did it we did a budget questions

and I will fine sassy question here

we need to make up the names derail
Vienna today you know everybody

yeah I’m an asshole flu only with me

0 nope call I’ll IRA

a special picture oh yeah I was quite

so you have to wait and that you have to
when this is expected to shouldn’t in a


now I got I got I need a name any name
is it a girl or a boy you the first name

add your last

agreement we want first lesson well %uh
the first lesson at this time

you do that I can imagine rate to
question I yes we are

I putdown alright we need a guy’s name

I am I am Orlando

but there are other people make amends
exciting orlando’s a first name

I do a lesson yeah he said well I
thought you know the offer to Orlando

arm Orlando

coral Mexico RN

00 Lt called ok or not

Orlando coral Orlando corn alt right
have a question if yes river and I’ll

oh yeah I am Orlando Orlando Bloom
really know but have you met one no

now I’ve never that about half J yeah I
knew a guy hey kid name Orlando once

I don’t believe that that serve that’s a
Kevin Bacon remove all right there

with ya know the kid there and Adam but

I can’t imagine you hanging out with
anybody skip

I would look great with kids prove it I

yeah present time as a kid I’m the
father OJ keep you do me a favor if you

take care my family in at work in as
green as a question

why you like that I gotta pee pee in my
underwear JK please can you taking four

pieces pants

I got hit with this have put my all over
my legs get a big group take embolism

and Katie

but I think are this is crazy

half it is thank you it is actually
changing engineered over

well the red light near Orlando Orlando

Orlando coronal Orlando

would add up from musical The Crow
anybody then a rather be a better if you

have to be better how is it that this is

it but yes this criteria to focus I’ll
be better than you if you know

Niki shut up Akil what musical is
afroman ago

or yeah far more min can we get to the
professional rather you not the


I yeah I does the podcast

is that okay now hey guys I need some

I was recently using my moms laptop
while mine was being worked on and while

I was using it I noticed a folder on
your desktop labeled stories subway

after I open it I started reading some
other word docs and I noticed that the

short stories we’re all about my family

but the plot to some the stories are
events that happen in real life but she

adds romantic drama

the for example all the sitting at a
table but we are all in our underwear


shirtless oiled up well this the mom
come under this name

I did not read enough to see if they got
harder interesting I did not read enough

to see a pic got hard core but it that
is creepy nonetheless

should I confront my mom about this
thanks Orlando corn alt

Wow I guess is his own mother had the
money was writing erotic

family pics about that and now picture
damn picture but having glee is so

cap so theoretically her son is involved
in this shitty shorted out there all

alone tonight around lately erotic
stories where the

whole family is oiled yeah as a
non-family member

there’s part of me that’s like let a
know just how I mean by then the

rational side takes on a Michael thats

you are really did you wouldn’t be into
are you into their like are you into

those videos have like porno where it’s

father finally fucks his daughter like
to hunt down though now

but my mother I finally have access and
yes step moms

likes but another manufactured the gym
it on Pino

I live now they’re not gray LA is

because I don’t have to like step kids
he knows and that’s left decently hot

but then sometimes it’s like

actually sister he’s got a hot step kids
that’s kinda

I mean it doesn’t really matter not in
it for the story believe them had the

girl is hot and she’s like oh I love
fucking my brother makes shocking

don’t say anything also just wanna say
that this guy didn’t read in a

to see a pic get actually erotic but
yeah it definitely does absolutely

yeah they are all held up sitting there
like me right now but oiled the right

and then the rest a bit is that they’d
wipe the oil off but the clothes yeah

they’ll take a shower what does that
mean so what that was the extent like it

but the romance is like

the they say all start kissing or having
sex that would be such a different story


would observe a just come back from the
I’m sick found a bunch a greased

hey that the love that a good writer
yeah I’m

babies babies babies he totally should

say anything to them I don’t think so
ago hey this is something that’s a


this is hers you don’t need to be
popular a she had a whole life before he

is so just chill the fuck out

and then be letter have a pic yes she’s
a mother she’s like working hard all the

time this like this hurt secret little
thing that gets robbed the

you should take a low blow okay well
okay rival a government is not exactly

that the larger

gotcha masturbating to this maybe this
dark while it’s hard to

if the guy if the person if it’s gonna
bother him and really bother him in

every time he sees as moms don’t think
about how

on my god she probably think about all
this profit on the french toast or

whatever the next the next dinners gonna
be very silent imagine that over we’re

gonna hit that they had the rounded to
show up to dinner covered in oil

I italian mature fucked mother it does
this remind you have anything mother

I G it did open that can of worms you

you may get something which that’s
opening a door I know that it’s it is

opening a door

your your outdoor or you wanna do you

open that door from cinema you wanna go
above the door no

with live I everything ok now her ago
they’ve got a better than clip

everybody uses as a goodbye sir on said
yeah I could be said is wrong thing

right now but Adam

I messed up I made a huge mistake poet
lithium it’s a your

I yeah I

Amir would you do if you say I would
beat so terrified I would

I would close the folder and lock away
wherever so we when you look at my

your mom your mom the next time when
she’d be like of what of yeah there’s no

way the never ending next meal is gonna
be /c I’ll try it this

edifice complex Oedipus Rex at the shits
a it

know it’s hungry the Greek story tragedy
where this guy

stumbles across his mother’s a erotic
fanfiction about myself no

any no way I just as I said no way if
the equivalent this is a modern day

equivalent of benefits

hi I think I KK got that conversation
will be too strange is she like

sexual on forward with you in real life
if not then

at land it will highlight that’s what
about you Thomas brings up a great point

if he’s very forward in talking about
sex and stuff it may be something to

bring up but if she’s been if you have
come from a very reserved family

Public Protector fucking files if you
can write about fucking year old

daughter over the holiday

folder okay I think you could make it is
a problem

Lakers it’s bad enough that he found it

exploring any furthers profits not gonna
get better

you know you’re looking at a resolution
that his mother oh yeah I’d

didn’t write that I did there’s nothing
that she could say

other stories those words those stories
weren’t for you

what about this idea leaving just a
little little reminder little no to her

that you seen it

like i right now stories on from mom now
I’m not going to do it that way she

knows someone whether they’re

diagnose you heard so much about how you
were raised by 10

wide oh yeah you learn I’m here what if
the you are

I a dad and you are writing story

around here behind about your tooth
family and then you

opened up your poll than you thought on
WordPad note that says like

I L such an approach you like now that’s
what I like the most

threats which ones are all I want to do
is like to do your mother

all I want to do is add asterisk at the
end of the file name stories so she’s

like my name but that there are no
wonder with

going on throughout each X around the
clique sur and nothing

else is changed I will it ever really
great day we were covered in oil

but it’s the a would it be I would have
got his Red Pyramid revisions to the

whole thing

the guy Gavriel the extensive right
always a sign lol instructive

yelling only grammar notes though the
story okay how about this: have that he

may be looking into too much maybe it’s
not their family maybe it’s of family

and this is something thinks about
pictures and shit not the kid

not you know I mean yeah baby yeah it’s
a could be that

any bad wishing it was family cuz he is
that we are low

by the way you’re a pervert kid the
brine is this is this

this is this is this lady is private

let it be let it be. headed a is a

ve had a reading your write up and Asia

let it be

her when I find out when I

nah course course took up their to that

showed no drove into a freeware over
bath I

job in due to freeway okay so tell your
mama no

doubt i’ma absolutely not I don’t know
I’m on the fence

on the fence I don’t know I don’t know
what to do because if you want to do

that conversation and the mom I’m not
there nothing about a conversation thing

about a drive in the kid crazy for that
obviously driving him crazy realities

with your message is it up it down into
himself until he fuckin hurts and feels

terrible now you just what you this
reminded he says that the solution is

terrible and

and she feel till terrible real help you
get will be on May one for it maybe even

get a resolution makes it a better feel

him I found something a computer me feel
kinda awkward I don’t know that I’m

sorry I masturbate to you covered

oil God tell your dad like I’m a
horrible mother to secure a horrible

mother and then everything is terrible
and I want to know more about their

family I wanna more about that mom

I have read some in a story yeah I guess
it is possible that you need to be

reported to change their

you’re a horrible mother but an amazing
writer the mother grabbed the child by

the way did and pulls him n

I others all the Jews writing or band

about him covered in oil and then like
blowing you have another number

problem as their logic I think that’s
better I just covered in grease that’s

not enough we have jumped to some
serious conclude yeah I agree

your mission obese fuck each other they
really they’re sitting around eating

meal and their greasy will he start
reading there that’s like the intro

paragraph of course they would have a
dragon came in with events at the

stories about a dragon yeah

family is that illegal can you act like
a dragon

but then I checked good warhead let’s

you but the komodo dragon oneida voters
menace but okay did

that trip yeah they get poison is Matt
poisonous bit

Cesc his sister

nobody that tom is he knows a lot about
drag you know rather I wanna factually


another they’re fast don’t really run
after year we gotta run together

there out they aggressive that they

and a space Matt in your own one is that
I think the owner know how do you can

all now could go to a special night here
in a city mayor

shit a get

where is a shit but adds cause I think
about that one time

but when I want habitat and I want our

Asaka mod range of course on the
Internet and I was like

to I ain’t never gonna see one in real
life and then I realize that was true

well may I call you were driving there’s
the LA Zoo has been a joke

dole yet are you going to do they have
them such a mile

enough real you got to do it right there
where like Warner Brothers don’t be a


I think you to sync ashtrays now because
yeah it did I do that

dicing 90’s early I have a heart surgery

that is that from the same to you

a cripple you did colorful but you know
that honored lol

ever a different coolers to fund stuff a
no quiere

third later Coolio

I third even cooler still

monarch at I’ll be so funny thing about
tom is noted year the bring it in.

blackface 500 horse

I need another name a first name that a
girl got boy

boy I am its

if we entered your quoi RP

Corp cue you are cue I R E Corp

Corp and ID lastname arm helicopter

work a helicopter leaders think that
when the hell no idea I

know I did the helicopters work on it
for no it doesn’t cooked up to

quip copter write a guy’s love the show
especially J

so I recently got into this amazing
relationship with the total dime we’ve

been dating for a week and a half and
everything is going swimmingly when

suddenly the topic of my surgery came up

although she was freaking out because
there’s a chance I could die during it

she starred during sex the surgery June

she started to have this come apart hey

it’s part of the world like to thank you
lacy mcgovern okay or whatever

fused is the best she started to have
this come apart and really wanted to

come see me in the hospital with her

I’m only gonna be there for one day and
I’m gonna be heavily dosed on drugs not

to mention I want to be able to talk

I feel uncomfortable for her and her
family to come see me in the hospital

gave her

I think that’s a weird way to meet how
do I tell her I don’t want her to see me

in the hospital or that I don’t want
visitors at all

or am I just being ridiculous and they
should just calm as an easy 1i think

the arrest me as a business or book
third I think you have

absolutely don’t have you asked the
parents had to come you’re not asking

for one day don’t wanna meet bear that

and by the way what surgery is today
only if you want to thank any good I

I think it out on soles wisdom teeth or
deviated septum

not gonna die from the house so you’re
not gonna live here to tell you get

anesthesia that you could I

babies whose parents his own now is no

girlfriend his girlfriend and her
parents yet but he’s never met a parent

and they’ve eliminating for certain
medical shit the prettier

let’s press pause nah let’s keep talking
like thrillers what happens

okay you say baby i love you to come if
you want but I think I’m gonna be down

an hour

maybe not have your parents come cuz I’m
gonna be like recovering from a

life-threatening surgery it’s just you
and I

driven to gather their this is the
reserve a tee how we can get to the


issue with at lets gab it lets Rick
weekly read another question I

do they come back images reading emails
and get going to each other

for maybe in our entire dinner am I

I think done benny was right you can
just say

I mean a surgery you can’t be like I’m
gonna feel gross up

you can come by I rather me your parents
are different and I feel like this dude

is a pussy man was outside what’s the
search if it’s like something weird like


there’s a two percent chance I’m gonna
die then it’s like you shouldn’t even

got her worked up to say you’re not
gonna die

do you think that it’s weird in general
have her to want this

I think it’s normal it’s weird for her
Jake I’d just wanna see you and I want

to be my parents yeah

at Smart is very week after week and a
half which is the one in every week now

yes archie then it and then No
absolutely do not bring the parents

absolutely say I am so on

I mean this is the easiest I’m getting I
you please say please I’m so sorry but


please %uh to make me uncomfortable I
don’t know parents are adamant different

way I love above a few suck up with her

that I love the idea that you wanna come
which he probably does busy like

but I feel I can be drugged out I don’t
wanna see you seem like I just met you

above why doesn’t he just like a little
white lie to get hot

has a policy you’re not why would you I
am we just give each other day I love

I for syncing tool I I said white lie
and I just let me once do it’s an option

I’m not they i do I would they react as
well as she battled back is like I but I

really want my parents to see you this

forces like a really cuz I was in the
hospital I

visiting some friends and I’m it and I
can’t tell you how when my friend

brought his parents in many via a hernia
and possible try to die during surgery

that you have to meet any a few

what does it mean to be dating for a
week and a half that’s what one day

me to date maybe their phone for each
other minutes really positive and like

use each other once in every day for 10
days he said yeah it’s happened before

that time

yes he’s a tener she’s a dame to the
terror that is due within 10 days

I think you could say I want you to come
I don’t your parents can it’s fun she

sees a moderate debt that’s okay

that little durable used to be a safe
though things like we’re all those

people come back from the dentist is
like I’m a pony you ride me and what I

love it has really racist thing the
religions as well

than his doesn’t deserve to be in
relation to ship well orange Gatorade

camera around

cell membrane you to know we can all
affect for the week ending at the barely

to be a star because a bit

I had yeah I think you should be a
little sensitive to her cuz like this is

my this is an issue really all about him

it’s like her feelings Thursday so you
think it’s read it a don’t come

I don’t they already is a low income is
like you know I really I don’t think

this is a good time for me to meet your

I that’s correct if you if you want to
come you can just know that I’m really

really druganov

and I’ma little embarrassed I

it I know as Warner maybe a few another
car we don’t take it the wrong way I

can’t wait to meet your parents but I
don’t think that like yeah I want to

meet them when I’m healthy

yeah I like that answer jenkins said
you’re lying about both the hospital

doesn’t allow all paris je near

Glover got a little but not allow there
they might not

it might not be totally kosher dill the
what is a I wanna I wanna visit me when

I’m recovering at home

well let him have a globally get home
well overall

you there well look at the Goodyear

right over there for Dodger Stadium I’m
just gonna pounce on whoever

whoever says Ron word her missing a

looking like it’s gonna be BA yeah

I nothing can possibly go wrong on
possibly go wrong

that other for the night everything up
that’s what did we learn that is a third

method on right now what is this one
coming up

a Monday September 8 the day over London
show come if you’re listening in your

London they’re still together Monday
September 8th if it comes out I’m on

Jimmy Kimmel tonight but when jimmy
Kimmel et rue

Melissa Ferrick from unfun Thomas what
do you have to promote for September 8


about to happen on September 8 was nice
to know that a bachelor pad as that

yeah yeah I was gonna say the marathon
goes for how much longer 10 more days

probably a partisan

are you still watching like season 15 16
I am and I think it’s really fucking


are still yeah you gotta watch it over
aids it’s been

on it’s been overrated no underrated
belatedly like our generation is watch

as much I wonder if yes generation an

because we really can’t do it isn’t at
all times you wanna look at not more

I am but did you do thing in CESA
Alameda Towne

alright I feel like it South

so casual on rather aggressive noted ish
all the time but in one of the

you don’t enjoy me when I was doing some
ups and her house at a town I flew to

Chicago the weather may be turned back
so just the right back on our airplane

all day the only allowed to meet with
relatives in the room

is NULL your choice again around did you
really fly to Chicago and it turned you

did a u-turn international I was a laid
back in LA posta go to Cincinnati

everybody at the colleges and
universities since I missed out comments

and resent a county babies love it

everywhere there is nothing I have my
apologies because I got to Chicago

and the weather had delayed the flight
distance is it something is

Souls is a year earlier the take a lot
to limp over here

convenient I wasn’t long ago that had
made fun to

Johann im nice and then I am so I i
delayed it so I wouldn’t be able to make

a dent in the town

and then I flew back to Los Angeles a
thats of that is that sad right now is

I coach I love to cuddle got a nice
airport never they got those like

shuttles rate I admit orders were to
threaten a Chicago

want you bring o’hare thomason I did you
to present improper or bring this whole

entire podcast over

I literally Chicago months ago I go
where we how much phone to be you know

you know you decline it you I’ve asked
you a million times to do to tor

river and Adam are you a president of

now you’re a liar you’re saying it now
here on the air from all these people

I year I’ll like I told you gotta go
that I set up

I’m about ready to fight you push me
it’s coming your way

I’d like to hear it putting on my phone
for it didn’t get it happen

in it together but I’ll get was having
your knees by year’s end and then you

just get that but that big softball

as close as you can get do is anal
opening possibly closer

Hanover gonna happen H I I don’t think
it’s a big

a big enough to this you do show did it
doesn’t matter

let me share pence for real or had a
little better she going to Petes

I’ll preface this by saying I don’t
remember for me so I can I that’s the

so I’m not tryin I don’t wanna make you
say it and you be like a bull you’d like

I don’t are on the air

and have a good shooting my van story I
near not recently

I have a I have a funny one where this
is ages ago I was a young 20 min

and I was in the well what a 20 yr a 20
min has a tiny

motorcycles balls and I was in this like
I was in my heart my

bedroom and I have like tile there was
like 20

basement apartments horrible interrupt I
miss my love and knowledge base to Vegas

Strip Israeli government techno its
really doubt it

I was like I wasn’t new to my bedroom as

my life for you at the this newt’s get

and I remember I had to like pick
something up and I like

pop down squad is picking up and I
uncontrolled the a little doubt but

group came out

highlight land on the tile you have no
idea to prove that no perfect situation

you’re completely make about it I’ll be
rapidly bath is clean at a surveillance

camera would have resulted in somebody
picking you did it on purpose

Devin just serve I myself in my room I
have a good time ago there it is

like too much are armory hi all how big
with engineer big bike

let the record show that he showed about
to Butterfinger Beebe’s

no I don’t like an acorn a decor like an
acorn type shit

and I just looked at her and I just her
left leg so than

I’m sitting there naked alone by myself
laughing the budget afterwards enough

well life

I thought to myself Tamiya gotta go to
the bathroom when a dude you

I’m sure I’ll yes but at that point I
was like ako

is now going to put clothes on goal
getting her to bring it back light up

that’s leading on your own for the first
time it live in other eurozone

you can’t you know what I do that is
embarrassing its or their related to the

shitting my pants but more controllable
I drew a lot

some like sitting watching it you really
on my computer picking my nose and I

will drool

onto my own test realizing what this is
the lowest like is your mouth opening

too late yeah

it big some like Homer looking at like a
cheeseburger yeah

%uh iDJ and i’d I don’t feel it in two
hits my chest like

all I’m not ruling on May

house how bases that or a month I’m like

two-year-old could not draw anime lower
than that for that one second I feel

like it’s my biggest

a falters and I’m too tidy yeah I

the i guess i care about. work a little
bit too much as Owen for interviews

there was there with her because the for
the jury the

when you’re going to a job in reserve
later when they ask you what your

biggest week as the biggest weaknesses
say that

I guess I liked you need a ride like I’m
too on the nose and on time and stuff

like that

right and I said rule on my chest a

dude rulership I as i I’d dude as shit

yeah really have really I I think I do
love my sleep

my eye is my thing is like I think I
always have boogers

system has 1 I’ll happily go out my nose
and I yeah he’ll snort you that like

else is not rocket

yet led by accident I do them more often
than I think anyone Graeme

July I get a lot in a row I get a lot
here why iraq’s so much so that

sometimes others be hanging out

and I hear like and like a Chinese for
while I i’m just still lacked iPod yes

yeah like a chunk of the stumble out and
I’ll be on my shoulder bag Co

quickly wipe it away I and one more
question we do have one more question

I we have 21 questions but first we have

other sponsor to thank who Squarespace

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that’s correct let’s get back to this

lackey episode how you know it and in
another name

but this time from a lady your first on

jazz win I jazz when

bouvier economy okay

Carol no that’s not it

Jasmine jazz when gels that makes
everything different jazz when

one up Jess 11 up how do you spell that

W inop okay the s

W who why nnd as winter

attacked she screen W why

at Jadwin hey guys I got a summer job
working in an office where I make some

serious bank

here’s the problem I’m from Canada and
just recently turned 19 the legal

drinking age

i’d binge drink three to four nights a
week and show up to work hungover a lot

one day it was so bad that I puke five
times that work I was able to hide it


until my middle age co worker noticed
and became worried to cover up being

hungover I told her I might be allergic
to something i ate

and I thought that I might have food
poisoning she said that she had read

about young people being allergic to
milk in the newspaper that morning and

assume that I was allergic to milk

still being drunk from the night before
I was unable to think straight

and just went along with it she told the
whole office and now everyone is

convinced that I have a severe milk
allergy which I don’t

and that the reason I was puking is the
milk now everyone in the office keeps

talking to me about dairy free food
items that I have to eat my yogurt in


I’m not sure if I just come clean and
admit I was hungover

or live a life for the rest of my life

by why

it is the theme song for every specific

so this girl has a problem that a girl

the name pair yeah I suggest when it’s
been strengthened its you

3218 exists that can’t be a girl well

jazz when you gotta get your for Smyth
your side really going to touch it up

and up

now I have you gotta get your act
together your cages act like a kid

know but also like you know look al
Qasim can start early

such as what shall no serious be careful
right I mean

binge drinking for nato we can actually
in AZ recognizes it as binge drinking

numbers mean that the fucking time

especially a guy being treated like its
regular this is fun is find somebody

else will be like no you binge drink

so she’s like cell self realizing that
binge drinking at probably really bad

well what’s

what’s the solution her prom right now
she say that she’s been binge drinking

as usual a whole lot she said that she
was allergic to milk

no she struck gold she said she’s
allergic to milk now everybody thinks

that she has a milk allergy and she’s
not an alcoholic

this was a fugitive much better she said
she said she’s getting over milk out

because you hurt but

you should stop drinking a hammer and
come to work

that such as silly pictures when I
fucking asked about then

Armstrong a butthole worship China
lesson a real lesson to make your life


well we gotta figure out guys what’s
your stance on the on the whole drinking

issue cuz are we gonna allowed her to
get away with their lives are we gonna

try and help her become a productive
person like right I would say

if you got work binge drinking Bahmani
it works never good

if you’re doing that multiple times a
week that’s very bad terrible you can

have a steady job

a you’re pretty anti-alcohol the right
not I’ll call but you don’t know is

witnesses is that the thing common
vision you can be modeled you can be

motivated when you’re

binge drinking four nights a week that’s
insane I’m very turned off when I see

someone very

oh yeah do are crazy drunk girls are not

I’ll with so she clearly hasn’t shared a
drinking problem

she said addressed take care that issue
for I get it you’re young you wanna

party but you know it just a

responsible snuggle be throwing up at
work ever of I

and it’s not good at that it’s not fun
for anybody I got it I guess I’m here

I’m acting like old man like

at judge though I’ve done it I’ve been a
bad boy to write but were born eight in

a row like throwing up at work that’s
that that’s too much

lists him way too much I think it’s time
to like this but it does like it’s like

a southerner it’s like a summer
internship right

select try exercising some
responsibility and then you could binge

drink when you’re back a in nineteen my

let this be a let this comedy of errors
be a fun fun whimsical

very easy lesson for you to learn as
opposed to being like

you waking up in hospital paralyze be
like are Jordan pretty much fell off a


I’ll die cutters code on all order to
milk it is not our

know there are just drop a clanger or
was it a legal a drink milk and drive

and her said don’t drink stop drinking

is the water I drink enough to stop the
illegal for Drake it’s okay just don’t

moderate drinking or the buchanan work

but continue to look the reserve milk
yeah I me struggle that’s good

I would almost say dollar guest star
nowhere of ok so my that

/url at allergist aren’t aware of will
you be lactose intolerant lose that

others that that insecure like %uh more
tolerant you become more tolerant no

mill cubic I think the side effect is
wearing them or say you’re taking


also yeah also over the summer
internship which is about to leave a

little bit then bring you could just get
outta there

your life’s not over yet those are you
elected by the time you hear this year

prevention tips from the over

yeah but no also nobody in the office
care that you’re allergic to milk be on

that one day when they found out im hm

like I i think you’re fired yep they’re
not public

yogurt wat Samantha

you lied to us about your address when
jazz one I

I was in a real-time other as a feather
in their all my god I’m so sorry Tammy

you guessed it a Laila Russian

now now last question mister when you

we ramp ramp honey weak-kneed

one last male name my first ever since I
care less im

your first name your first name first
name first same as the first

a first name is going to be.

who I got it libel libel

I’ll I O BL libel will outline all but
with the be

libel reliable I hey man it’s reliable

I R Ryman job who below

well I a soul I worry im job here

who liable or even job right

hey guys love the show I’m about to
graduate college Indus my gf and I have

put an expiration date on our

because we both know it’s gonna and I
was wondering on a scale love kill

yourself at a Starbucks to hash tag
dealt basically one to 10

how acceptable is it for me to cheat on
her now

dole shanks guys you rock

side to be one of the asshole dude
listeners love reliable

liable reliable up if you don’t mind I
would say this

if you know you’re gonna cheat on your
girlfriend get outta the relationship

if you know you’re gonna break up with
her if you 100 percent no your gonna

break up with their

than just break up with her now
understand what you’re doing

i’d yet I agree you cuz

here’s the thing tell me he may have
that’s missing Landa

the witches I mission at st. neon aside
putting to sea

go dream job love this city an essay on
the side is like what he’s asking about

is like you know essentially I got other

and I wanna listen hate it when I’m
still in my lead the chassis

and all you have to do is go until a be
like hi

if he’s end in college yeah he said that
he should to break up with her because


were but cash in on all his life look at
the you can add now

yes very sweetheart unless you wanna do
an open relationship I think maybe we

should just

it both have you’ve decided that it’s
over then it’s kinda over already know

I agree and I think there’s something
it’s so much more fun to look up and

have sex and not have it be

a terrible ugly secret and have guilt in
the UK you did you know I just you know

where sex code and then when every
relationship was is not tainted in

tarnished by this

stupid thing you did to them at the last
fucking couple weeks through you should

have you should be. be kind it both you
guys agree

or if it’s the other way and very are
you staying here because there’s that

chance at

maybe by the time you get to the end
it’s clear you may call you know or

maybe we should keep this going that we
move in by a

that something different if you think
the relationship has legs in you love

this girl and she loves your effort is

but if if you’re if you’re if you’re
literally asking

I one gonna cheat on this girl you guys
call that I was a I’m not cool with that

you should have a discussion with that

by late maybe she has the same exact
idea yet

yeah are you think that I should put on
the expiration date

readers an expert if you get your with
somebody like hey we’re gonna break up

in a couple months

just break up that second just break up
immediately unless you think staying

together will keep you unless you feel
like you’re gonna get the thing we

didn’t have or

I didn’t want to wish for it so you know
there’s an expiration date so you just


enjoy it while you can because you know
that sure is

but you’re still your Congressman Joe
this person because it’s fun to be in

it’s fun to be allowed to have the sole
relations I think you could just say


I wanna stay close to you like up until
we graduate but also my Lake

explore and do things that I didn’t get
to do while you’re in a relationship I

think we hang out a little bit

I think that has your shipment and Italy
at Bukit I think exactly what Thomas


is correct there’s there is joy ends if
you like you know what this last day

let’s fuckin blow it out let’s have fun
lesbian lover to

it’s that option or if you really think
you’re gonna wanna have sex with someone

else I mean

I may be your your gut is telling that
you want to but if you truly feel like

you gonna hook up arab sex with somebody
else and that’s what you’re inclined to


then you 100 percent tell this woman who
you just made a deal with

really like you know I’d I’m having
these thoughts I i should get outta this

because I want to hurt you

you can now be right you should make the
relationship good or your hookups that

is exactly it have both you can be like
alright we relationship him

animal hook up to them like your
relationships suck and %ah love your

hookups are

yeah a I was the only way to be an
asshole the situation is if you cheat on

your girlfriend

so you’re choosing to be an asshole to
do that here’s a question for people

that have cheated

is it more exciting to hook up with a

knowing you’re in a relationship or is
it when you ask that question because

you feel like it is

at they might be but there’s more
rushing to hook up with someone you’re

going I was on

yeah I would never I would be held and I
I’ve never done it now would be so


I G nine people all the time and there’s
never any

you’re doing alright I’ll set of me
sucking your nipple

not be owed nibbled there’s like not
know there’s nothing enjoyable about it

at all

when I’m the I with L Earth’s ID
enjoyable part with a penetration


I and it was never leave on the toilet
part wasn’t like

I should have its are the job or was it

getting away with so many yeah this is
this is illicit okay this is an affair

like that was the whole

the worst part though the only bad part
helped the most wild run around times

has been not so much in relationships
like all real hard religion just as car

like loose ambiguous ones

and you don’t feel guilt but when you’re
in a Berlin Germany stray

its you know that’s the thing that
that’s what you give up

you give up this you give up kiosks me
he trade

a sax for a girl yeah guilt does it feel
good at all

doesn’t feel good especially when you
know like that percent illiteracy at

that moment or

okay just hurting someone that you
pretending you care about that that

thing that you can

on it up into that point is now gone
irreversibly sup

there’s abuses you’re asking for
permission to cheat on someone just

break up with that was a real
competition we just have been no jokes

yeah that never happens with forbes I

that silly that was a really it was a
little the sushi delivery sushi an hour

although tired and we don’t have it

well we should explain there was no
actual cut in the episode see if you can

find it

we we didn’t stop for a sushi dinner in
the last 20 minutes into the microphone

broke a microphone broke so we had a
snow day at and then we fixed it by

me sitting next to Jake so close that he
can smell me I

yeah and I’m just leaning away from you
know it’s really its budget really is

I I wanna I wanna we have to go soon but
i wanna and

I think the opening theme song was on a
highlight I kinda wanna do a closing

theme song

here as my wish we could hear that all
the other will we need a creative guitar

as our body to make you getting in I am
so how to load the

signing of teams that can be any is
there anything specific in an hour just

its it’s the same as the opening theme
it so does this mean I should say a

if you have your own theme song or
question you can send it to a fiery show

at gmail dot com

alright the then shorts Thomas middle
d’Italia thanks for having us on happy


a episode I can’t believe it it just
happened and it’s here

a its crazy by the way 100 up yeah

the way faster you must really cashier
me now

no not give a real

K down


problems I O God

JK luminaire there is some %uh

do questions I’ve got home

and answers I hear there is some home

it by him if so I were you

if yeah beer

by over your cool do my

for you hi wanna go home

you by your room if II

when I’m you’d be me

and I had PU and he’d be we

dispensed Yahoo I now have video that’s
terrible that industry for the bud


does good sorry guys we would the
opening one was great

closing one or

I say we also ate were more tired the
air as soon as you relate I like them

both equally thanks guys for coming on

by guys I will be back will professor
101 which will be our last apps that I

should imagine the 101 at the end

I about a bad day it’s Mike after work
for the doctor weir

bloodline where the world’s
longest-running and best-known goodbye


the capital last year was only available
on your radio if your station he read it

but now

you can listen to us what when you want
where you get every love my radio show

is available as a podcast

should medical question male cool people
like fifties and get a big deal

strawberry primary

past well rotello the man behind PC he
don’t have to ever miss job because you

could download love like now

at podcast 1 have podcast 0 NP dot com

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