Episode 12: Kick Ass Dad

Description: In this episode, we discuss strong dads, brain surgery, and how to be a better person. Also we announce our first three “If I Were You” t-shirts, available right now, on BustedTees! #Dope.





glitches do geology

showcase tell ya toda I

dodi I this is if I were you the only
advice podcast on the Internet

hosted by us unamir and I’m Jake and
this is a super special

exciting episode for two reasons one
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a you so we’re selling three shirts
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yeah feel weird Jakes if you take cover
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it’s just you not actually a cooler
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the Box nothing but yeah I’d wear that

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because we’re excited about a holy shit
the first I heard you say see the tears

that you just come up with added you
know you’re gonna say that today

you wrote see that this is not going to

these the disease you gerry white Audi
at least make a note

by the background of your phone on

see after those if you’re watching us
for the first time you can listen to the

show every Monday for

it’s a half-hour episode is just taken i
doling out advice that people email in

you know they email us in at if I really
should I come

now fiery show at gmail dot com with
their sticky situation confuses with

there was Thunder conundrums and we

read the emails and try to answer the
funniest questions

yeah that sounds about right us why we
get started

you know what fuck it was not well I

let’s is still there lesbian you just
tell this is the podcast you headed read

questions we don’t request you just
wanna see is

Shack yet or we just sit in comfortable
silence would that be nice

yeah but it’s it’s a 10 CS let’s sit
bones for like

a couple min down %uh no talkin its
video they could watch as do it

you know I was gonna check on every
freshman’s again feed literally

no hay I creative FAAC I

the one lot I hate yeah yesterday a week
they’re looking like they’re alive


later I go ahead you a

yes so let’s get started the first email
was submitted to us

we’re gonna use fake names but real

to preserve your anonymity so the first
question we received

today is for about six months my best
friend borrowed some money for me

because he never has any and I wanted to
help out

I knew you would spend it all on
cigarettes and booze but I trusted him

that I would get the money back

now six months later I still haven’t
gotten them back and I remind him all

the time and he keeps making excuses

my dad is furious at him and is
threatening to kick his ass

so they keep staying patient advocate
let him take his time

chris said I love my dad did teach my
best friend a lesson so that he knows

I’m being serious


so you know the big fear is I here

so city this guy let his dad take his
best friends as 230

you then you gotta give you my number
let my dad KK wrath

you rearing to go yeah let’s say that
i’m gonna let it go

beholden the lease type but how much
money was it that he spent it all on

booze and cigarettes

thirteen dollars the six-month

I do that is furious at him and
threatened to kick his ass

should I allow my dad to teach my best
friend a lesson so that he knows I’m

being serious

that’s what I allow my dad should I let
my speed at have I

is cue but that is it

is 75th year old war vet with no legs

I my bed spread to the 18-year-old

true a triple sport adequate it is my
dad is was the green light so they can

have added fees this kid alas it is
gonna kick this it out at my dad at fail


yeah alright here we go here’s my yeah I
know you knew I was serious

like that go get ’em dead all the fight

I dupont spied at it’s like god damn

dad you as well throughout his dad by
the cigarettes and booze

I dad is is a nice

few your old black belt

fell city let his dad kicked his friends

um what now your dad’s guy

your death not good kid and that that
guy how the world have you have a

distinctive he did

police said my dad is beat the shit
outta you I carefully bed

like they have been feel so good is like
a 50-year-old just know you could still

be this is better than a few

able-bodied 20-year-old I would love to
be able to beat the shit outta someone

who can buy cigarettes and booze here
you got like dad strength

yet dad strength everyone just assumes
dads are strong right

like at what age do you think your you
became stronger than your dad you know

there’s them

is really nice poem every with by was
just got to the next crisis

excuse me I just dollars that use that
poetry is it

it’s all about how like the day this guy
beat his dad and I wrestle it’s really

nice here

out right now it was on the dad’s death
bed love to look it up but you obviously

a pistol I look at my phone

now I got his because he said you want
to spend the first five minutes the show

looking refreshing your Instagram feed

okay you know it I we can learn how to
take that in five minutes

I love all rights are advised to this
guy is

if I were you I wouldn’t let my dad the
say it like make an idle threat say okay

my dad’s gonna kick your

I your friend will be like excuse me

you’ll pay the money back now made my
dad is not gonna be

that he said he knew his friend was
gonna spend it on cigarettes booze they

gave it to me anyway yet so it was a
little bit on you at like one look at

the camera

this is this is on you if years if your

gave money away and a was not getting it
back would you beat the shit outta that


if I was violent and probably wanna
punch my son but

i think is a parent you have to stop

violence right now I guess not

you know how you go to jail for abusing
your child yeah but what if it’s not

your child what if it’s somebody else’s
job for fifteen you punch a kid

you’re like thats jail that’s child
abuse to get taken away but if you’re 58

you punch

a kid had no work

I as it were not lawyers I get sick your
dad on over we’ll see

footpath I bet your device layer that
kick this yes and no I drop

that’s how to drop the lease let him go
accys earned a want to see what happens

alright address in a person’s them

we can remember let’s review the tape

let’s figure it out I will call that guy

go us thanks Jennifer reading and

I am this next question comes from

Phoebe mmm with the above the names for
this week to get

I can’t figure it is weird names that
ended a I just at

my friend does drugs and she has been
trying to get me to smoke weed with her

and I said maybe but then she started
taking Molly and that was her thing and

she was China

get me to take Molly with her but molly
is bad for you so I said no

and now she is trying to get me to take
a whip it or however its spelled

but that can kill you and I don’t mind
smoking weed with her

and I know almost everyone experiment
with drugs in high school so I don’t

think one time is that big a deal but
I’m scared that if I smoke with her

as you’ll be willing to do more stuff
because I have almost no will power my

brother said to stop hanging out with

but she’s a good friend what should I do
I she’s not a good plan

I can’t have that entire purse paragraph
and then and it would but she’s a good

bread cheese pressure you to do fucking
with its

you said she wants to do something that
could potentially kill you and you try

to get you to do it

as I like that she’s like strengthening
the drug every time she says no liquids

or we’re fucked up negotiation is this

like let’s start doing Molly that
started doing with it yell

I feel like we’re too late to this guy
are you doing crack

I both living in a cracked and I don’t
want to do we do with the alright

um Ali not and I’m always dated 5 fine
with its

no idea i reset I don’t have the most
fun a I’ll

I’ll do the weed house like I don’t
think everybody does

Mali in with its in high school I didn’t
do that in high school yet but maybe it

wasn’t around when you’re high school

yes that’s true I mean I didn’t do any
drugs in high school

except for weed you did we’d I did we’d

yeah he did but we aim to drugs from the
earth I

Gerald road with some nerve girl and you
know it technically

molly is actually from the earthly grab
even the chemicals have like been

that yeah it’s made honor they’re all
matter that was their drive the Big Bang

yeah it’s a stardust yeah it’s all
natural whippet that naturally active

humans made whippets know that you are
you’re not from the earth yeah

no legs though I checked there from the
air thank you that they said with 87

whippets and pick for Molly pills before
this podcast artist who knows what we’re


a I’d say if I were you I’d listen to
your brother

%uh he seems like the smart one in this
relationship she’s not a good friend

right not a good friend which is
pressuring you to do drugs like you know


that’s not a good friend that said

yo like weeds though I can issue the
High School

like I had no don’t do any drugs they’re
all that for you

and I used to try to get your friend el
Teo she’s if she’s going down this

this spiral ok we had to Mali to with

it feels like there’s no end in sight
try to help her out as she is actually a

good friend she’s getting closer and
closer to like

from like drugs to like pharmaceuticals
to like

just something you can get a grocery
store to death the ultimate Trulia

I thought that’s beautiful that’s our
next year well

Jesus that growing I’d like to take that
ride tonight actually

let’s die together brother

now for I was joking hmm I

II women right along trucking

this one is from Ross I write rosty

Rossy Ross he says Han

dear Jake and Amir I have a mano brow
the problem is my girlfriend wants me to

shave it off

although personally I think it completes
my look what do I do

it doesn’t spirited no luck there’s it
doesn’t go away over

I you know it’s like it doesn’t know

sorry I alright cool movie on alright
moving on

you know usually ask people to us ended

audio versions of them asking questions
and this week

we got a very special video version holy

so if you’re listening you can hear long
if you’re watching check out this

paycheck Amir I’m cuff oxen but that was
on a show for a little bit

I’ll what time listener first time
caller and after your

advice in were the last episodes we said
we shouldn’t get into

a long relationship before college

I a completely ignored that advice and a
had to do me

ands now I’m moving out Scally for a
little bit

and I’m wondering how do I stay away
from the slump buster

festival Harley newt’s thanks

wow so there it is that is insane how
one answer your question but i cant

stop thinking about how much you look
like Rick I

place a direct box every day to so he

wanted he didn’t want to be in a long
distance relationship but you know what

he ended up ultimately decided to do it
he did have to do him

and then now he’s wondering how to avoid

ladies on in college freshman year which
is a difficult thing to do especially

when they’re at tall handsome man

yeah so my advice to you is um

sorry I you’re fucked yeah

you won’t you well you just won’t or you
will and it away on your relationship so

much that will eventually that’s all
destroy it

yeah I you’re so handsome and cool that
i won its give you like good news but

unfortunately no

yeah with each I don’t know havoc
imagine his girlfriend watching this


like okay there OJ can hear you can make
you guys are I

love is you have a different I

every other least she was honest what
are beyond college like in general how

did people resist temptation maybe that
used to take it like that okay

at college and obviously it’s its its
own the unit its

way harder yeah because there’s a lot
more temptation there’s a lot more

partying there’s a lot more like

there’s your around so many attractive
young people at once

usually I world right so let you ask me
how I do it

yeah cuz I don’t I to resist the

like my tail light is just getting into
today to temptation to temptation

so who fits do I this im

you advise their what do I do I guess it
helps to think about the long-term

okay you’re enjoying what you’re doing
right now but how we feel tomorrow

do the cons outweigh the pros well the
pain of the next three weeks

be worth the joy of the next two hours

and if the answer is yes sheet on your

well are you kidding me dunno

yeah dope Island

you literally have that cut like
internal conversation with yourself now

my brain is wired in such a way that it
won’t allow me to you again echo you and

the third I can really think I need a
friggin love

bottom that’s not a good brain surgery
could you queue

you like are you have to think logically
I give your heart like to do that anyway

I can’t see aids I really think I need a
frickin neurosurgeon

go in there and change me I can’t do it

you know why I have and while you’re in
there yeah I make it so I want you

healthy and workout

can you ask as your question how do I be
different I

how do I D a different guy doesn’t his
just give me he is sorta

messing with my shit right now I I look
in the mirror and every day I see I’ll

this asshole so I’d like to change my
face I could be me 24/7

up that’s not very fun I go to sleep
I’ll okay I wake up

and ok here I am again I drink I smoke I
take pills I try to escape my body but

every single time I come back I hate
myself a little more

you just when you think I’m done I pull
me back in full you think I can get me


0 there I asked to remind you I’m still
a shithead

so and it is you talk to a brain surgeon
yes so I do at an out there so that you

can cut out that’ll make you feel better

I gonna change she had me down for a
monkey bread is

like the view that would be a good idea
to prove it and they have the knives

looks like you’re operating you kill me
that’s fine to you

make it look like an accident doc I know
I don’t have the courage or willpower to

do literally anything positive you can
give me a lobotomy to give me the

courage to kill myself

please do that that’s what he does

I %uh the operation was a success you’re
the same exact words than just that be a

courage to you you know

and it I guess well yeah I feel that

shit I hate myself and I thank you thank
you can I recommend a Starbucks I don’t

know if that

pleasurable for you all back yeah %uh
you get a reward the fans who have been

there the longest while still attracting
new audiences that what sort of Newark


on it out great says that no new friend
no new friend yeah

Jens no Iran’s it’s really did mean
sentiment actually

this there’s so many people here right
now that I didn’t know last year

what am i doing yeah oh yeah are y’all

oh yeah that’s right I’m doing me I’m
doing me

or he’s meeting people I guess what am i

oh yeah that’s right I’m meeting people
that’s what normal people daily make new

connections yeah

now non non-defense say yeah

I don’t have a wife yet so I’ll never
meter because I don’t wanna meet anyone


head on the defense they don’t make new
friends keep the old

start from the bottom not healthy but
yes live my life and Drake

I the only people I can meet again are
people that I had lost touch with when I

was four through eight years old and
have to reconnect with

other people who started from the bottom
with me in our tire a commute thinks

you’re a coward

please do not hurt me mister Drake it
definitely wasn’t even about path

yeah he was ordering at these the teaser
events like what

I’ll hell nah so with our advice for

Kyle and a ship with his big men

%ah really I mean we show you the
setting is videa

yeah he is israel’s I blurs faith have

in college try to resist resist
temptation as much as you can if it

becomes too much then maybe the
relationship is it worth keeping for now

if maybe at the end a call you want to
revisit things have at it as always be

honest with each other

yeah be honest and you know it either

you’re going to have a great life year
very you’re you’re good-looking smart

tall dude and you have nothing to worry
about yes to stop asking for advice

you’re perfect yeah

I would I walked Lee what your devices
how can I make Rick Fox my daddy

yeah how to work we have to be a workout
regimen sir

how do I get my chin to look like
towards I do

I’d love to be as attractive as you are

I am alright movie on expressive thanks

this one comes from jelly

I have a friend whose girlfriend cheated
on him I told him about it and they

talked it out and are still dating

however I recently discovered that she
is sexting the guy she cheated on my

friend with

I told them about this too and they
talked it out again

I really don’t think his girlfriend is
good for him but I’m not sure what else

I should do

Yahoo it I this is a big thing this
silver tongued

she’s service dogs away either any
problem I

she is she’s talked yourself and have to
situations where he cheated on her

boyfriend thing say

what is the way in which you say is this
a contract carried them

that that fucking tells honor every
single time do you think he’s cute that


year the guys is looking up wit I

I was have major Goldman Sachs premium

a yeah we talked it out that’s okay sees
Israel up

he’s okay with it too are you talking it
out and we we should say

we like I’m sex i’d sex did someone
nations like so attractive that the guys

like you know

whatever whatever you wanna do that’s
fine we talked it out twice

what else if I mean if you already told
the person in there okay with that what

else can you do

yeah I mean you bet you basically told
them what you think that she’s not good

right person and clearly she’s not

but I mean mind your business do I

their problem I cheeses

if you saw your friend getting cheated
on would you tell ’em

I think I mean I’d probably do it he has
done tell ’em

she does at the end tell ’em about me
live where you can like busy

tear people apart side as to be there
for for this like

for this discussion which is clearly
brainwashing him she’s like the

the the of Oct is the like the red
priest the fire

I’m just gonna have two guys and a
camera them though in what and the

give it throws his the the red princess

another an Ernie there’s a lot honored
much as much as yelling at their

computer right now if i think is Jessica
Rabbit yeah

I feel I clearly my thinking about your
friend is being stands for at the end

right now

yes are totally are you clear that the
yes Bradley and his girl who’s not good

he added you’re

yeah you’re like Jon Snow and she’s like
out now

um let’s cut

I let the cut me out a lot

pulitzer suck let’s and the show not
this episode were for good

and a yeah I think we’re done but we cut
me out of my life right now

and I just go home and never talk to any
view again I’d love to see a brain

surgeon tomorrow

a brain and face a roller derby not me

doc a few while you’re in there can you
take my wisdom teeth out

I I want no wisdom teeth in a new
personalities last lease on life

00 PS how about some packs I

this is not year you to walk in clinic

he me to leave we can treat you for your
gonorrhea and that’s it

I ok fine I’ll take it they do you a

II on next question the guy both

I the Act you did what you can do

and you can’t do anything else I mean
you told your friend she was getting he

was getting cheated on yourself in the
situation keep an eye on the serpent

the smaller ways I wanna know yeah we
should have run the show and be like

what it would have these conversations
are having that you have to tie the

record I

I jafar style with

a a said alright this one is from

gunther gun third yeah gunther

after a few days have texting nonstop to
a girl I love she mysteriously stopped


I center a few texts until she finally
told me to stop talking to her

I’m pretty sure this is a gift but I’m
gonna play it safe when it comes to


fortunately I know where she usually
goes on a typical day

should I go surprise are at work school
or home thanks for the help

gunther the the advice is where should I

yeah the advice is this girls

obviously wanted to text him join a
giver let’s give opposite advice

%uh cats get a so what’s your opposite
advice for this guy

um I mean obviously she she thinks that
you called off so I would

I like double time your effort right now

school work or home public school work
and home okay

I we have text every vertex is the hail
coming over I know you live like that is

the pictures that you driving over there

is I know you where you live a little
threatening no not enough

yeah I’m sorry let you know as shown
here plays with your bags

I love it that’s good you lover like you
can’t you can’t slow down

be a a and when she said %uh stop
talking to her

doubt he was right that was probably a
good feels like her with being like okay


you gotta earn this booty yeah you gotta
earn this booty

so like a lot of time it with

you you you got her earned 53 pp

would you say that again you gotta earn
this boutiques like that that’s the

thing together earned his booty yeah
busy life as a girl Sadie assets like

stop texting me

yeah turn this BS all right let’s kick
it up a notch

is nothing I love more than like you
doing vision that girl

when they wanna hook up with the guy
could you clearly don’t you don’t know


if you gotta earn those booty has had to
deliver that to you

she said I mean multiple 10 15 30 girls
at a time

throw things you gotta every year you at
least editor

yet like I’ll go for go until I push me
away like let me guess I gotta turn

Israel into like no not really he
decides never want to be with you

got the earned bodies before I haven’t
earned a boutique yet

a couple times I’m like really
disinterested in a certified

let their guard down enough to stop
talking to me that’s like whenever I go

forth all is like

get highway oh I gotta earn that baby
that they don’t say I save it it’s like

gregory et like than the blood thing cuz
theres at me as I hey I’m just trying to

earn a foodie

yeah could added you on the booty
habitat yeah got

leaf I we can meet the dad goes over and
beat the shit outta me

58-year-old work that I um

stop texting a write your soccer at now
the it go go to work to go to school to

go to Home

if you really like someone you don’t
text him more than a text you

yeah a good indicator how much to text
someone is home to the texteo

right is to it I some guys do the
craziest shit when I like would like

girls would like the email your facebook
messaging or even text they had like

I would used I would you like Microsoft
Word and put in the words to make sure


my word count was always less than
theirs wow when was this

I ideas like fuckin think so weeks ago
at this play

it was not it was not like you’ll see
you know I you never want to put more

effort than the girl is

right where at least equal effort you
never want to put a more just equal

tell still that I don’t want anything
less is a good move I’m always like

equal effort everybody’s on the same
page I think that’s the way to do it is

that every like cycle at have like
proportions that’s like

are I do a little bit she does a little
better than a little bit more than you

imagine that it’s like holy shit we’re
setting like full paragraphs on to their

fucking excited thinking about tax

I think that probably doc I excited I
brat why since we’ve been here it’s like

all mountain one of the techs that did
the text say

keep that part in my braids change
literally everything I like that

what if you’re born 20 years ago I

be a better person I could be better

I text is our number one game yes all
that doesn’t

fucking number one that did it it yeah
number one and that’s it you on

you also said that if he didn’t have an
iPhone if the atty is like a different

phone oh yeah that was another thrilling
really a game

I was thinking that night tell you it
will we’re in Iceland I was thinking


a.m. trade you my iPhone getting just
like a shitty little flip phone

a make me a better person because I’ll
text less yeah

interesting you think you’re ever gonna
do that

I promised myself I do it in the fall
why you’re gonna get a flip phones they

are text less

yeah that’s her way to becoming a better
person yeah

getting worse phone getting worse on I
was think my phone enables me

well I think you have such deep-seated
terrible issues

you know respect people so why would you
get a letter is me

yeah excuse stop recording my desire is
that people there you have a go at it.

all the start I can all be fun however
friggin razor

I want to I respect you now is there I
gotta crazier

I place make too much to abuse you
emotionally or physically

believing on conquering now obviously in
this next game

if I so a

our advice to you get a worse phone
right week

was as good a stalker yeah never alone

I hmm I’m cool I think

that’s all the time we have I don’t know
how long we’ve been gone but I bet 30

minutes at least

%ah thank you guys so much for listening
if you’re watching this for the first

time you can go to

if I were you show dot com to listen to
all of our previous episodes

I if you guys like this video will try
to do one every

now couple months just to keep it fresh
and that email again if you’ve never you

know the show if you have any tips
suggestions are sticky situations have

your own is

if I were you show at gmail dot com

and yeah oh yeah the shirts shirts
remember certs at Busted Tees

you can get a fiery show dot com for
more info about that

thanks so much for watching I oh we’re
also accepting theme song submissions we

open the one with

today with stony who’s our remixer
extraordinaire because we love it so


we’re gonna and with another classic %uh
virus the let’s plug our

are fearless crew on Twitter

you guys can follow I’ve got pictures

right that it wiseguy pictures on
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have never seen good people like sonya
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okay the know why I Mike I know on

like I know on Twitter I

follow a man by the cert sees the cheese
follow my kernel on Twitter

way out 0

this on this from Matt Gilroy the song
from Macklemore

police yes it and I’ll news

hi killed by Louis

by go silo

take a break them and



that we showed a condo

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