Episode 187: Old Bully (live in Brooklyn!)

In this episode we discuss Serbia, Yu-Gi-Oh! and masturbation injuries. Recorded at “The Hall at MP” in Williamsburg, BK!

This episode is brought to you by MeUndies, Leesa, and Squarespace!

this is ahead government it is December which means this is a a special holiday sponsoring their Christmas quite yet by Jesus Christ by by me undies as long as they have a Happy Hanukkah but it’s now by happy hanukkah is why I feel ya it’s it’s it is happy hanukkah Merry Christmas Happy Holidays yeah from me undies dot com it’s officially time to I’m just gonna say you have to buy gifts I hate it I hate gift-giving Christmas Grinch on the nasty little green boy but there’s a lot of people on your to-do list probably that need gifts can we recommend the most comfortable clothing underwear outerwear underwear for men and women for me undies dot com we’re done right now the only underwear I own it’s comfortable it is stylish and it is extra affordable because there is one free shipping from the USA and Canada and to you can get 20% off if you use our coupon code that’s that’s jake t get any undies dot com slash dick armey undies dot com slash mir we’re recording this from a hotel room in Seattle because we’re doing a live show tonight lou this was a very special live show in and of itself last month from Brooklyn we’re just chillin on the road and I love the road warriors finally wanderlust I miss the hotel scary out there I don’t want to get scared please enjoy this episode things got real and remember your holiday gift giving needs nothing beats a pair of meat undies for me and is dot com slash or me.com Amir they have seasons greeting design Jewish and Christian at the same time yes good you know so I’ll mention that this comes in a pretty small so it is a really good gift you don’t like when you get hands and it’s just like a plastic bag that people it’s very very chic enjoy the box enjoy the gift enjoy the undies enjoy the episode you put the Thunder is the package right but then the underwear when the real gift under there’s something there I think we might be shooting porn together we going to start the episode now whooo hoooo how do you ladies and gentlemen the two Jews were starved college humor and if Jake Blumenfeld wow why insulting backstage you knew even if I set down this was too low rates too low but I like what you do with the holding the entire it’s not even have either you can put it down ok nice to be back in Brooklyn where jay-z’s tonight tonight I am Carmelo Anthony last where more jewish more jewish Jewess doing well as we used to live here yeah I used this is to be my apartment it’s back this was a studio and I swear to god it cost me $9 a month levi’s store and I start so what do you say something i dont wanna talk to you juice hang out with people we fucking dark here came from not in Brooklyn to see the show where Alberta Canada just another reason how long of a drive her flight is it from five or six hours flights wow didn’t come from the show we barely Western Canada like British Columbia we have a show in Vancouver in like three weeks you have sure I’m still trying to figure this out borderline doesn’t matter but figured out at some point ya know it’ll be an issue i cant im gonna do it thanks man yeah do mind to both of them yeah all jugglers some she won’t do it does anyone have like a glass or a bowling pin draft a chainsaw now down I’m very uncoordinated and the old one was a pretty good one and done right you think you’re good yeah that’s it for you yeah and in terms of me I have to just say you’re fucked Papa squat that’s actually a night this is the master Mike and that sort of like rapper named Master Mike I think it was the fourth Beastie Boys Mix Master Mike to ya yes yes yeah alright so who here doesn’t know who we are this is us a tattoo and read earlier everyone had to leave and then we just loaded up on I don’t know lip balm but the egg kind you know the kind that’s a neg why the egg dick is your five minutes instead of the shore the whites naturally but what’s shown the show thank you thank you trying new shit out alright eggshell your dad how actual as a color but a yellow is now I mean it’s this goes on for pages and your dad did his stand up so for those who don’t know about his podcast it’s a radio show that you download and listen to it the gym and how these people will email us will email us to have irish show @ gmail.com and these are people who are in difficult places in their lives there and sticky situations they don’t know better their dumbasses they’re so dumb and we’re so good night everybody really quick taken her and really experts that much but we are kind of experts are being twenty-somethings yeah I’ve been at it for twelve years now twenty we turned 30 we survived our twenties so we know that much and usually it’s just jking I in our apartment naked holding each other in our study which is why we’re gonna do a new here tonight you guys are applauding but if we actually did it this wouldn’t be good and you you’d get used to it and you wouldn’t be nervous because you’re imagining us I guess he would even have to imagine as we’d be nude my dick would be out my balls would hit the pool a little bit lobby like this in my balls to just be spread on the store right on the corner to corner the store on the edge like a water balloon the slow motion of a water balloon hitting a face we don’t need more description than you then you’ve offered you know the Dali painting their clocks are melting the persistence of them just dreaming any sort to scream scream like that but it’s my balls the ball yeah this is me pitching art to an art museum getting carried out this is so yeah we are ok I mean I think it would be fun if we tried to answer some questions what’s we are gonna sit at this point I can use the makes them cool I’ll do this thing around just like I hate that I think this is like a casual chill it is the opposite of casual it’s contrived it looks to hand fingers are so rigid yeah so I’ll just be like hi I mean your hands not even at rest that’s also not arrested suit angled yet that looks like it’s trench more strains more definitely more alright travel axing everything nice not everything we got three bottles I take in the latter haven’t had water in a week I saw you urinating earlier it was thick yeah that is your people it looked like a highlighter mixed with whisky alright I have in my pocket a phone that standard but at the same time we should have like a cheers thing that we do live shows like a chance like a chant like still early we’ll get there we’ll get there are gonna do it we’re all gonna die it is fun to think about how in a hundred years all of us will be dead alright I have in my phone most of all yeah someone in here will be the first to die weird crazy got out with me know I get there to see all my new friends go away before I do how selfish that is I wish I’d die first I don’t want to bury a body you have to deal with that and I’m just gone you’re like the guy that doesn’t empty out the dishwasher I am absolutely the guy that is not the washer let’s read the question so these are real emails from real people r gonna given fake names you know just to preserve their anonymity what we need right now is a fake guy’s name to get a start I heard I heard crammed it branded his politics from co2 CEO on Tuesday credits was in Doolin burn in Allentown Pennsylvania where nobody is we performed to an empty house just grandis every single question his eyes on us burning burning eyes this is fine you guess having the least fun yeah her hand and you didn’t collapse so I definitely believe you read his rights a cool dude I’m getting bullied by a 50 year old woman that’s it I work at a dollar store in Canada like everybody also works at the dollars with the Vancouver folks course was at Calgary does although I said Vancouver I’m getting believe I fifty year old woman I work at a dollar store in Canada on one of my coworkers is an immigrant from serbia for the past few weeks every time we cross paths that work should make a comment on my weight she’s funny she left she laughs in my face and says things like I thought you were on a diet and well you’re getting so fat she says it in front of the manager of its it a few days ago she burst out laughing and yelled oh my god you’re fat so I now I’d like to emphasize she’s 50 so I felt we’re giving you the finger but I don’t know how else to react she hasn’t listened to me asking her to stop the following day she confronted me calling me rude and disrespectful I told her I’m sorry but I can’t let her keep bullying me she denied ever doing it like I would suddenly realize it’s all in my head out she denied and refused to apologize I walked away the following day yesterday I thought we were past its size and high and she said I hate you and locked away please guide me on how to deal with bullying by a woman more than twice my age who barely knows English love grandis let’s go bad enough when you were a dollar store in Canada a fifty year old serbian calling you fat really hurts which it sounds like he has to be at such a weird level of sad to make your bullies sad the finger you give her the finger which is serbia’s a lot worse and this lady is survived ethnic cleansing so it actually she’s been through alot at this point I mean I feel like if you get bullied the best thing to do is to just let it go the bullies trying to get a rise outta ya they’re trying to needle you get you to be mad you know what I do when I’m getting bullied sure giggle like a little school girl you often get bullied for your giggle I hate it but then when she flipped her off thats like saying oh you’ve gotten to me is the finger that it would be like what did I do this I hate you I hate you suddenly see already hated him a little fat you know living well is the best revenge I can just lose weight then she wins the gold factor that he died from a heart attack yeah oh yeah you think I give a shit stuffing a calzone in his mouth yeah you know the cheese not silenced its allies argue a lot of people don’t pronounce that correctly thought about it at all of course and you are Italian exactly is that an insult are you pulling me right now I honestly don’t know on a little guilty about I thought we were past that I gave her the link I’m so surprised that’s all he did he should tell on her she did it in front of my manager this girl doesn’t care manager she’s a fifty year old from serbia let her do her thing she’s just having fun with you fat ass on her side I’m on Team fifty-year-olds and Serbia yeah she probably survived a lot of terrible things in her around for Kosovo like she went to who knows when she went she she’s been she is mean she’s calling him that’s undeserved the nicest thing you can do in serbia I don’t know but now he wants that you want advice on how to become friends with her again my buddy the bully isn’t there a two dollar store oh that’s actually store what a terrible idea for a store that’s not even you’re not even a little bit higher quality double the price same quality to dollar store where I like you know fifty year old serbians allowed that’s the name of the store yeah how are they going to make that fit on a sign doesn’t matter easy the site is also fat that’s how it works so we didn’t help him but let’s answer another I think the general advice is to not be not be perturbed by bullying either one should not be fat not be ugly not be quote unquote gay words in my mouth and that’s not fair I do hate that with people or what says you said I hate gay people as an animated gif oh alright I got a good one I need another guy’s name middle name is what I hate Halloween costumes in November which is why we should have Halloween anime just like they are talking that’s actually true he’s actually here tonight than half now but let’s still alright smooth rights yeah we heard you guys huge fan of the podcast I truly hope you can advise me and my current predicament and I would greatly appreciate the help let’s get right to my issue me and my dime of a girlfriend of seven months have been looking for new and exciting ways to spice up our sex life nice kinda on the couch watching HGTV property brothers look at that bar n-dure eating an almond vacuum later that’s funny I ever tried to do I can what is the kind of vacuum sound like again thanks things naturally the first thing we were gonna try to do to spice up your sex life was to try different positions first on the list the old dip pump of course the department’s great what’s the diff pump used-car let you know the ground delays on the back of her neck with a torso lifted off the ground heels over head and ask to the heavens next ice travelers thighs facing away from my mates that she gets a nice view of my greasy brown eyes once I bet my shaft downward I start to pop some hardy squats and her delicious to my horror just a few bumps in I farted straight onto her chair and to make bladders worse legal matter that’s right I literally shut it onto my soul mates face naturally the tools are mortified and I immediately fled the scene of the chocolate crime she called me later that night and said everything was completely fine and she hasn’t brought it up since completely fine how can she act this way when I asked plus that a duty goatee honor what the fuck I’m terrified of how common ok she was with his entire dare I say fiasco do this shit literally should I be worried should I dump this cat dominatrix Dame or maintain a relationship with this vehicle fetish field love you move I think I have the dip up in my head but if we’re like them I am demonstrating with my fingers I could be the girl to be the girl so she gets on the ground and lays on the back of her neck torso lifted off the ground her eyes facing away from Miami so she got some nice view of my greasy brown eyes and then once I’ve been my shaft down I start some Hardees quacks delicious three squats and that a fire and run away she’s more captured we can undo that I graduated college man this is so much worse for me she was actually reading when it was happening to her email address she was holding a microphone oh dear he left without a word like he just grabbed his clothes changed in the elevator how I’m trying to black out what just happened so I can focus on the problem and yes you were fully clothed doing an imagined actually taking a shit on someone like you got away with murder he pooped on his girlfriends and she was like it’s cool and he’s gonna take that like golden opportunity to get off scot-free and he’s like you’re disgusting what do you think she’s into it and just start pooping on her more like a murderer like as if OJ was found not guilty he’s like well I don’t want to live in a society that would find me this way ok was found not guilty exactly but he took it like a man it’s like the karl marx thing I would never belong to a club that would have me as a member he’s given opportunity any saying no thankyou I don’t want to live with a girl that would be ok with that thing but she’s not necessarily ok with that she’s just being cool and that’s why he should dump her instead of dumped on her advice this girl has maybe the worst secret about you get there is if you are single then you it’s you have to lock this up right now you put on someone and she’s call with marry her her wedding about I proved time you and you were cool and marry you I am he’s gonna if anything our voices for the girl which is the guy who sort of looking down on you for being open and the fellas one of them being the one that spread the fecal matter the greasy brown one assumes he’s a good writer though I dug the pro-israel so should I should I be worried yes but not for the reasons that you think you should be worried should I dump this cat dominatrix she’s not as GATT dominatrix you shouldn’t jumper just because someone doesn’t make them as scat don’t put that you’re projecting literally are made in this relationship I would say maintaining if she’ll take you at this point if she and she’s really into music called you back actually he should break up there because I wanna know who this woman is this Wonder Woman this hero that this brown night when I was laying on the floor imagining you dip pumping me now is my everything part of the reason I don’t really feel like doing it and to do it in front of my all my family and new friends because i dont have old man everything old friends nobody over the age of 49 at the very least that way I won’t believe actually take a break now and it’s been half an hour when we take a little bit of a break we should say thank you as well to lyst.com for sponsoring this episode thank you Lisa Lisa L W E S edad es what is we saw I’ll tell you I’ll tell you what it is it’s an innovative and disruptive online mattress Co you know it’s about time it’s about comfort the mattresses are comfortable there are affordable and they ship in a compressed box directly to your door not only that but i wanna do little good this holiday season for every 10 matches as they sell gold donate one to a shelter that’s actually gonna cause a lot of problems at the shelter is like it’s nine cots and then one guy sleeping on and what if they sell mattresses and then they get ten that’s why we’re trying to help we’re trying to break out of this shelter and neither should you lisa has done away with that awkward matches showroom experience when you’re walking around talking to a kind of sleazy dude who chose used mattress sales sorry regular mattress sales for a career before we worked with ya I’m that guy with the come over really pushed yeah I ended up buying for mattresses will talk about it later living with the Madras check out their mattresses if you need a new mattress or if you’d like to upgrade your current one there’s a hundred and eight risk-free trial and the mattresses start at $525 shipping is free always and now if you want a little bit more sauce gonna if lyst.com / if I were you that as a dot com slash if I were you $75 off your order wow not bad 75 bucks off let’s do this if you do buy a fuckin mattress mattress with our coupon code forward us that receipt so we can not only personally think you in an email bookmark will give you a shout out next time we promote lisa is that they have a slumber party with them as long as they’re chill person alright email thank you good show on the borderline illegal personal personalized thank you next time we sponsor Lisa and Jake may or may not have a sleepover with you thank you once again to lease a.com as well to Squarespace for sponsoring this space where space.com is the best easiest simplest way to build a website you don’t know how to code necessarily in Squarespace makes it easy for you build a beautiful ya know I know you can make a professionally designed website online store blog portfolio regardless of your skill levels are you build a beautiful its trusted yeah I like to trust trusted by millions of people and some of the most respected brands in the world why we’re space build a beautiful idea sorry and prices started just $8 a month so you don’t have to hire a team of people to build your website it’s cheap it’s affordable and its you can start a free trial today without a credit card and if you want an extra 10% off go to Squarespace dot com slash if I were you square space.com / if I were you I know your thinking yes what about the free domain name that you get if you buy years where the Squarespace well there’s not a lot of good domain names available right wrong because every time we promote Squarespace we give up to three suggestions of available domains today that’s right today I’m going to suggest my domain name goat 33.com that’s intriguing goat goat 33.com I don’t know but at least inspire some sort of idea 33 with your domain and let me do you one better or should I let me do you $31 write code 64 to go to 31 less better go is taken one.com is taken but go to the third available domains goat 33.com and go to 2.com available lots of other stuff available at our website is ready to be built by you guys so if you ever need to build a website just thought of another one he asked once totally off the cuff got instant domain third up nickel bitch Nickleby whenever you want to build a website December Squarespace build it beautiful back to the show down bitches available it is not you can at least tell nickel ditched ways to the guy that runs damage let’s go back to the show now pages there’s also one of my best friends on campus food frequently when he got kicked out of our dorm building last year I let him stay in my room for an entire semester he celebrated my last Thanksgiving with my family and if he’s going to the supermarket or something I always ask him if you need me to pick up anything for him one day I was going to target and he asked me to buy a pack of yugioh cards at the store I tried to call and ask them what kind of service was poor and it was very crowded and loud so I grabbed a pack and I looked that look the prettiest me right through to my cart I gave him the cards when he reimbursed me for the $4 I paid for them when he opened the pac he found a card inside was worth $60 I was excited about it with him because $60 a lot of money to a broke college student I assume you would share the winnings but he said he was going to keep it 100% all the $60 for him it’s been a few weeks and the worth of the car has gone up to $90 volatile stock instances like this volatile this cowardice still adamant that I don’t deserve a penny for the money that he gets what he sells the card but I think I least deserve some of it after all I was the one who picked up the pact about he and I are going to hurt Brooklyn show this week writing into you may be here to see what are your opinions as he entitled to all $90 a dry deserve a small cut of that sweet sweet cash love shayari the booth is the yugioh couple actually here holy shit there you try to bring her up on stage above one has been hurt that’s a good question I think step up I get you again where do they go there are feeling money out of her purse alright I’m gonna take this guy ok I’m gonna yell and I’ll be the the morally correct side what is your name 11 Jake what is your name of God what’s your name Olivia Wirth kwan ok so let’s let’s debate yeah he paid for the cards I don’t even need anything right here i guess i dont know we have a real case but let me tell you what there’s a difference between doing the the legal thing and there’s a difference between the right now there’s not it’s just the law by a code for $200 now at a hundred and went up man what are you 58 how do you feel about what is clearly superior amir is clearly which I agree with but for some reason I lumping me in morally with one alright let’s just do like an applause and Olivia deserves a little bit of cash and a jury selection I would ask everybody now to leave who thinks one who paid for the cards that he got himself with a car after all of that is a record low number of people cheering for america let me tell you a little something I did some research on this question I emailed the lawyer that I know so I do have a legal opinion here would you like to hear it would you like to hear right we’re gonna just about what car do that it’s worth $100 I i couldn’t tell you what’s the news it’s called Archfiend eccentric so you didn’t know the entire time with 12 points I mean like he definitely lost the battle because he does play with the UU cards ok here we go this is from a real-life lawyer my dads at the glorified pencil pusher the room with this guy is a lawyer who deserves my mother my dad is a nice you see the Blowfish my mother is that my mother’s a clean my dad is a lawyer here we go 100% entitled to keep all the proceeds once he buys the cards and of stories she rendered a service for him on a new PSA personal courtesy and he repaid the full value of her cost $4 for the card she received $4 from him and he keeps the cards those cars became the property of the recipient once he paid for them ok there’s more looked at another way she simply sold him her cards for dollars once you sell something you irrevocably transfer title to the buyer the buyer does with this asset is the buyer’s choice and is solely for the Buyer’s benefit on a legal basis she doesn’t deserve nor is she entitled to anything what his moral or personal obligations to her as a friend and as someone who has benefited from her generosity in the past or something else entirely that is my professional opinion though personally I think this guy is an asshole or not depending on whether or not want right now is a personal courtesy I do believe I have sixty dollars in my wallet you give it to one it is exactly $60 to $100 my father’s money this is for you take it with you will have it out to the show let’s go for broke the newspaper what’s your name what I learned that I want everybody in our final question unless somebody has $60 for change my cell that’s really cool and yeah man I just under a major bug that’s what we do have one last question advertisers like a wet dream purple potatoes jerking off to this idea question about masturbation you know what I was thinking it could return it could be fun to bring out a friend of ours more than I do what do you think about that he once came just when he was lifting weight you know from our podcast from the twin evasion pockets coming up now yeah he’s not here voice still need everybody to come on stage yeah sure howdy what looks like it says hardy spilling all over a little but alright that’s fine I love you she is the light alright dave was I correct in assuming you’re a masturbation expert I love you David Cross one of those boots is 8 feet longer than the other it’s so interesting do you have a fake name for us at the guys name Naveed I’ll make this short and not so sweet whilst masturbating right or what can only be called the gas through the middle of my bell end with my thumb nail vigorous action of beating my meat no I’m left with a piece which is sliced or diced I don’t know I’m too embarrassed to go to my parents friends or doctor what would you do if you were me plz help I’m in pain love daveed is like its nature time hot dog ever hurt yourself general never thousand-member is flashing before your eyes are now having to be I love the idea to go to a doctor to this crack was job then I’m too embarrassed to admit that I was gonna make fun of me man he’s a doctor he legally can’t tell anybody eulogies will be so much more embarrassing what would you do if you and your dick Davis you take a bath yahoo answers are you taking the saltwater disinfect everything I’ve ever had any masturbation injuries shaping you know anything of that nature a little bit of change and then what you go to the internet you go to a doctor you go to a loved one or friend a little bit more Vaseline is my reactions to write to a podcast seeing a doctor no we don’t check your email that often if you’re not going but you’re not doing but when we answer one more question one final question to rule them all day here for so long I feel like oh hell yeah I know a lot of a blip on my part let’s get one last males named Earl Boykins I heard my foot 6 inch Jan am an 18 year old from fag year old England his words not mine would never use that this is entirely with you thank God I recently broke up with my longtime girlfriend of two years because she was constantly saying I didn’t do enough for her random gifts etc and that was really getting me down so I cut it off she recently went missing for a night and I was I was questioned by the place I recently went missing fernando’s questioned by the police for her kidnapping turns out she slept around with some random guys and do not tell her flatmates so after all this I decided to check on her she said it was a mistake and wanted to get back together with me if I changed i said i blocked her but here’s the problem I feel alone so much is it worth getting back with my ex that made me so unhappy just to have some kind of yes or should I just keep my chin just keep my chin up and keep looking to endure hopefully temporary isolation many thanks love Earl Boykins the question is he feels lonely after breaking up with his girlfriend he wants to go back a little little dangerous as we all know you don’t hurt yourself yeah this is what you’re not doing the back of this how to show tonight it is easy to get back together with your loved one that’s why so many people do it breaking up is hard to stay together as easy as evil master plan of course not if it’s evil plan his plan was to get back together until he found someone better yeah that’s ultimately never get back to you either someone had dumped you or that you broke up never ever also tell people to bleed while the party as anyone in a relationship right now the bed broken up and got back together some people was so enthusiastic for a reason you’re still sort of second guessing it here it’s like playing a video game and forgetting to see even having to play the same level I might have to do it but I’m still gonna do it never gonna work you think you can get together with something you have to like go on a first date again how many people have gone divorcing gun back together I don’t know I just 10,000 from a broken family I love you mom and you’re out there I guess the ultimate suggestion is that there’s a reason you broke up perhaps what you’re looking for doesn’t exist you’re looking for a companion that you already had already decided it was too hard to stay together so why get back together into this relationship that you already knows dysfunctional well let’s who is here who are single book luck but having a boyfriend fuck with a significant other break the fuck up tonight I love you I love you guys I think that’s our time but thank you so much for coming you guys have fun if you need us will be around after the show hanging out having fun drinking a little bit thank you so much you can imagine what’s gonna retire Dave one more time for Jake United already thank you so much that was a hit them