Episode 2: Bounce

Description: In today’s episode we discuss long distance relationships, working out, and most importantly, cats.

if I were you if I were you

for you with but I were you

my way do it my way show starts

Wow holy crap that was better than yours

was you know they were both equally good in their own way

I think well yeah that one was better at being good and yours was

at the bad this is if I were you the only advice podcast show on the internet

hosted by us

I’m Amir Blumenfeld and I’m Jake Hurwitz that’s right and

today we’re gonna do you know more the same if you listen to our first

an episode thank you so much the response has been

overwhelming we are so thrilled with how everybody’s

enjoying it we were reading the tweets in the emails and

it’s going so well we’re going to do an episode every Monday but we thought

let’s keep the momentum going

and do a show on Thursday holy shit what a mistake

I can you believe that and now we’ve over saturated the market

suddenly were not allowed to anymore we’re a piece a crap

rupees the garbage trash day for lettin is no internet

I’ll yes thank you so much for everything and as always we’re gonna be

reading emails that we receive from you guys

that were sent to if I were you show at gmail dot com

yes we got many emails and we’re gonna answer as many questions as we can

but I A is that we don’t have two years don’t feel bad because it just means we

gotta lotta email

and we saved all the questions so hopefully we’ll get to you as many of


as possible that’s right i mean or your question was so

dumb we don’t wanna waste anybody’s time by repeating it on the show

that was probably it wasted our time and we will raise anybody else’s

I love let’s get to it ol

the intro oh yeah the for we totally forgot that was a

the new intro was a.m. written by gable wolf

in the first episode will make the intros written by Jake Hurwitz with it

was covered by gave will

well it is owed haphazard way I suppose that it’s so much better than you I

would say it’s rewriting

how Jake did the intro for the first episode and

we use that as a call to action trying to get mortality musicians to record

their own

the equally talented musician and we got so many great ones

we’re gonna try playing a couple during the show we don’t commit to one yet

because they’re also good but a gave my

have been our favorite right and if you it like always you know if you have

any music ability similar to my own or surpassing my own

like an adventure yeah I send them to us as well and we’ll talk about maybe plan

to introduce the show

i right first question ready for this one and I’ll

actually no I might I might head up cheeses and

yeah I needed a bouncing I know we set up at Mikes and

within half an hour time now and I’m just like I’d

to cap an article to set everything up just now leaving I’m I’m bouncin yeah

like God you have with that I’m

I’ve got about you call about the doesn’t sound quite like a bed in the


yeah I really am sorry I gotta bounce baby I know that knowledge I really

really need you

no I want to be a few but see you have to download hey they have to balance

right now

II do you have to reply I a defendant that I I know I had to let you down like

I always wanted to be there for you but I got about the peace out

at a Funeral I

alright so this is question number one as always we’re going to preserve the

and on a MIDI you guys like creating names I added the Blues

though this one was written by Kartik minced Kartik

minced rights well do you use his real name to those affected

I’m a male in high school I recently como best friends girlfriend

cheating on him we have been really close friends for a long time

and I know how upset he would be if he found out yeah

should I tell about this for sale let him find out about

find out about it on his own eventually I already talked to the guys she slept

with and trust me

he got what he deserved whom let me advise

he got what he deserved what

yell what did you do to you the don’t worry about him is bodies rotting in a

ditch somewhere

but do I tell my brother let him find out on his own I no longer be arrested


yeah there’s blood under my fingernails those so once again find out

hiya you go you served I high fived

recall the PIP yo

didn’t you you are the bomb you just stole my friend’s girl

see the smoke so here at Casanova and a pimp

your I supplied but my up my question is how do I befriend this casanova hero

drop by loser friends who can’t keep a girl in life

your legality desert which is a blue ribbon bj from the most amazing girl in

my high school my friends ex-girlfriend

the other now tell me what I deserve a friend is not a loser

a guys so will the next question

I that answers that pulling the computer

jumping at the Winter I got about half yeah

it’s the country um so any advice

would you if you saw someone cheating on your friends

are on your yeah here if you saw your friend’s girlfriend cheating on him

would you tell your friend what I tell my friend

um she’s yeah I think I think you have to you gather you gotta tell you if I

thank you

definitely definitely out adele’s frenzy as if you’re worried about his feelings

like I don’t tell my friends will hurt his feelings

think about how hurt his feelings will be when he does find out

finds out that you knew didn’t tell ’em and let him look like a child dating a

girl who was not be able to

yeah and also who’s your allegiance to hear it’s like you’re covering up for

the girl to

for this Cazenovia hero this amazing guy I don’t want to blow up these dudes

body he’s a freakin keen I will look like the troll nerd who ruined

amazing number one high school guys life

they see these in high school with other guys the history teacher more

it starts with an A on high school know the other guy do a

has done a girl gotta be in college like you know not in college with the thing

is he’s in junior high

yes I he still drives a Chrysler LeBaron now

its thirteen years old writing a 21 year old guy

up in seventh grade yet that take your girl

to my bar mitzvah so I guess our advice is that

if I were you I would definitely tell your friend because

yet what he can’t get mad at you can only be happy

that and if anything this will bring us closer together yeah dude you are

you’re a faithful friend unlike his girlfriend who’s on faithful friend

friended me I alright

as good that was great use

Hudson to your own horn like that

you you you absolutely have to balance its hard I

other but if you’re taking someone out yeah I’m afraid you have to I’m

balancing you outlive you know what you

frank we’ve overstayed your welcome and I’d like you to bounce

I absolutely will not tell okay as long as they got damn well please

he got what he deserved a force I forcibly balance them out of my life

%ah question to in

the Sun comes to us from did Jordan molasses

Jordan molasses I own a cat it constantly wants to cuddle with me but

I’m allergic

help what do I do well I’ll tell you what you shouldn’t have done

use in the got a cat what I’m allergic

I sorry I you are your writing in for advice

%uh a little too late you should do what the email said is that

is hi I’m to Jordan classes and I I’m thinking about getting a cat

but I’m allergic is that the stupidest thing I could do

the answer is obviously yes right oh there’s a follow-up I’m allergic to key

lime pie

I just ate an entire slays 00 my throat swollen

guy I’m on the way to the hospital but 00 the ER doctors in freaking cat

you today do I’m having a weird fever dream

a get ready the cat get rid of the cat you know you could do is you can replace

them with literally any other cat because all cats are

interchangeable that is thats that is coming from a dog person that

low I again also the

try to find a less needy cat or there’s a there’s hairless brands this is all

irrelevant though because you already have the cap

you didn’t like it you’re losing it at you should only covered by the cat

doesn’t like cuddling up by the cat doesn’t

shed I’m not going to get a cat there might be medicines for you but you are

it’s too late you’re

your typing this email with your swollen fingers as you’re just

slowly dying from inhaling cat for

your the cat there the cat kill the cat kill the cat

world make the cat bounce I about the cat are a question

the third comes from a lady

named fence L who

she sounds like a sexy lady hey Amir Jake my

brother have my brothers thinking about buying a motorcycle but I think it’s too


he wrecked every single car he’s owned and has miraculously survived them all

I think if he gets a Harley he might be pushing his luck

yeah please help me convince them that he has more to live for or to convince

me that I’m just being overly concerned

now you abuse and even exactly he might not be

I you know fit to drive a car iraq to every single guy are you

be my brother had a Subaru station wagon body I but it came too close to death

but now it’s not broken should he get a

a car with openside than two wheels

he’s a wrecked everything how many cars would that be like

you don’t say he’s wrecked every car he’s out if it happens just once or


he’s wrecked the two family cars know it’s like it sounds like he’s racked

everything least five guys and not just that accident

is a wreck them wrapped around a tree miraculously survived also the the keys


he’s miraculously survived will bury other people have been killed

you know if it’s actually advice I would give is yet give a motorcycle

I don’t think you I don’t think he deserves to live anyway he’s gonna ride


into some sort of grand canyon villains up yeah we’ll use just like you see

you the is a manslaughter he would demand

is that the man behind the wheel have any car with them with a seat belts

let’s give them one without one right knows

are you a motorcycle is it’s completely open on two wheels

and like the in a car you know you have you have a seat belt

airbags hard roof like a

a windchill that’s designed not to like explode it’s pretty crazy that

motorcycles are

thing anyway you guys like there’s no way those should be legal

it’s always worth it is not unlike you anything like you have a helmet

sometimes on a motorcycle yeah

or a a leather jacket yeah I’ve got a leather jacket and helmet and I’m

I end up going 85 miles per hour will you be in between cars a truck that’s a

lot you can do that

or like a yet its click it or ticket if you’re riding in a car you have to wear

a seatbelt

or the alternative is the strap yourself into a death a rocket engines go on the

freeway that’s cool too

by so either demon rocket or please please PLEASE buckle up we we love you

were concerned for your lies

have salute League its how many more dangerous things are illegal

then motorcycles I guess any drug right

whilst not all those early smoking is legal alcohol smoking do %uh

you know its ako and uncle enters it’s legal to

have two beers and ride on a motorcycle that through

I mean I guess alright if you’re alcohol levels below the legal limit

and motorcycles are let’s do it I

I wanna live why are we recording a friggin podcast this is the team is shit

we did you

I don’t even as they were wearing helmet is a lot about urs you’re dead

right here the hate mail you gotta wear a helmet few other motorcycle cuz when a

truck runs over your head

I the held that will protect you absolutely will not

there’s no others they differed Picasa motorcycle why make him wear a helmet

is a new fallout if your motorcycle going 85

on the highway just you know tumbling down running into a car you gonna need a


you gonna but you’re not going on the way yeah I freakin

clift mites goal against the freeway and I was the only

you no major damage I have to say is our advice is if you love your brother and

wanted to survive he definitely shouldn’t

be riding a motorcycle the candles other with four you four wheels don’t give

them something with

to that’s a really good little tidbit you should make that a bumper sticker

if I can handle something with four wheels don’t give me some to you

it’s like you’re really papers in a fast theory that is the bumper sticker I love

the girl whose

above the guy who’s has girlfriend cheating on her with a Casanova

cousin over from our first question is definitely riding a motorcycle

I of polling people’s girlfriends and the two nerds

huard speaking about how dangerous it is into a microphone feeding into computer

the guys that movie ago for their summer cheating on us right now

I with that with that thirteen-year-old in seventh grade

here’s a good time to %uh play another awesome

intro song that was given to us by Matt Gilroy

the Sun is also a really awesome let with you and I’ll new

hi show i loooove

by go by 10

take a break them and games


that we showed a cop I like that one at that plug for the web yeah it’s got

there a dude at the end the end

light after those killer cacti it is like a little God westerners i said i

I I see that’s what he based it on core is like a cow bell in there to israel


yeah gotta nice I you that called out tonight

in fact that like to hang out with you he’s clearly on a motorcycle right now

regret another about that what was it do that yeah Matt Gilroy that Gilroy thank

you very much those awesome

the only weird thing about alan is that he called it the podcast show right

listen to the podcast yeah I could be an issue

big it’s also the first time he’s ever heard of a podcast was nieuwe

cook is that your company logo confounded part actual I is alright song

other vulnerable or give up

what cell for the Jackrabbits see I keep sending us

us on soldiers make fun to view yeah thirty-seconds

how is that fair thanks for sharing your time and talent with both

you have to take a big fat load of duty on your chest

never gonna need pick the one thing you do not or small

where small losers alright question number for

are you on time how are we doing that I’ll four hours

holy sheesh were 15 minutes then we want to keep a two-round

half an hour or so haphazard our the magic a half hour

yeah let’s take a second mental break and just

complete silence everybody because the podcast is kinda broken

did my iPhone I question number four

this one comes to us this question comes to us from Professor

van strossen Burke yet I was a name that he gave us

process pretty good you can provide your own fake name a mere Jake

going on a vacation with a friend and a group of her friends who have never met

mmm something Jersey are hoping to make a move

on my friend wealth were down there however with this be considered

a bad first impression upon the ex-boyfriend who is part of the group

that I don’t know

from your long tournament up

long-term admirer in England professor von Strasburg

sides he’s going

on vacation with a friend and a group of her friends who is never met

yeah what are these friends includes the ex-boyfriend

and he’s wondering if it’s going to make a bad impression

that he makes a move on this girl on as the occasion that’s correct

um I mean

yeah yeah but why do you care

I do I have gone on vacation the last thing I want to do

is is make a bad impression at this girls export for who have never met

who’s also on this vacation for some reason

why what a terrible occasions Blanca it actually night ever ex-boyfriend as one


believe going on use it do stick as UN

I got you to questions can I can I sleep in your bed tonight

and why did you bring me here you

you 10 stress mean mean women you

the weird situation I’ve ever heard maybe that’s why they do it in England

they dislike create

re weird reality show type a vacations right dances

this is the name this is the reality show right now yeltsin kindly

viewed contests like how long can you stay on this horrible vacation but the

girl you like in her ex-boyfriend

what a weird weird time that must be with that was it worth our bodies with


I guess the advices who gives a sheesh

if you a have a bad first impression upon the ex-wife

I like that it’s a bad first impression to its late you’re gonna have a long

relationship with this guy that you don’t start off on the wrong foot

heat why does why you going on this trip

you my

just be like I don’t know if I should come that sounds like um

no no you have lingo is all your friends are your tax

are you sure you want me there I I haven’t met any of them

I am invaded okay I’m I’m going to pack my bags

I just I’m afraid I’m gonna like wanna kiss you on the X Liberals the NDP

our long relationship will start off on the wrong foot also maybe examine this

in the

through the lens a maybe she doesn’t want you to make this move if somebody

on vacation with her ex

no I mean if she’s inviting on vacation it’s she does it she’s not annoyed by


yes it’s true I would think so so I would say go for it

make the move or you can wait the back from the case you have to make the move

while you’re on vacation

rudnick II yeah you know go with your go with your gut

which so far has got you into this situation that sell its strength

other fiery I would not go on a vacation if I were you

a as much as making fun have you ever you have gone on vacation for a makeable

though a few but then you’d make an enemy at her ex-boyfriend who

you know could be your next best friend he’s gonna be the best man at the


that’s researcher hmm RA moving right along

question number five number five looking alive

wish to write like that not gonna have to okay a

I that’s what a big push over you

step it up editing the bug as myself throw you then

I it’s clearly

in there after the fact is take your laughter from a different Joe displays

that and

ever 5 keep it alive that hahaa

I just moved to the middle love but F nowhere in Ohio for my internship and

I’m extremely bored with nothing to do

this is coming from an Ohio State email account so I had to do some X is

investigative work but it’s coming from columbus ohio

an extremely bored nothing to do I finished exploring any internet

here makes a our show on Netflix take four hours to download

what should I do don’t say masturbate shit

he said don’t say master if we could still say

this is coming from a guy we like to call skinny Dennis

um we thought to be fun if he

we could set him up on a friend a right we don’t have any actual advice

aside from these gotta meet people and the way we thought

that we could help them yeah is if you go to ohio State or live

in Columbus and you’re looking for a friend because you’re also bored and

tired of masturbating and waiting for hours for your neck

Netflix movies to load email us if I were you show

at gmail dot com three and we will set you up

with skinny Dennis on a friendship day yes a friend a

and you guys already have something in common you listen to this podcast there


so set you up on a vacation with skinny Dennis and his

ex boyfriend or girlfriend

I mmm a yes

that be fun and if you do gonna French a date with them please email us let us

know how it goes

got a really hope it doesn’t end up murdering someone and their feel

slightly guilty about that

yeah I will we will have like slightly you with orchestrated the entire debate

I think you could be tried in the case of God

I feel really bad let’s listen to the third

gets on that we liked a.m. you guys

this this is another example the theme song we don’t we still have a theme song

so we’re asking

smart and talented musically inclined people to submit their own versions of

what you think would be a good theme song

we don’t really give any parameters but they should be 30 seconds or less but

all these have been so far

right here’s another good one from someone named Sarah Bush

the theme

the new the new

mmm I me you

me to you

what would we do the me Matthew

chai now the No the movie

I are you sure that’s solid

we love it cue were was a ukulele think

I think work i guess im us yeah because

close enough to play guitars 00 that a larger 0

I want I’ll I them balancing now all like you

thank you dick you devote prick ass

and you know I’ve got a bouncer you bounce

I feel you just wanna leave one of us had doubts

you you deal a doctor’s appointment right now you’re clearly this is trying

to leave or boundaries

okay it’s actually I’ll be there in five minutes I swear to God through that down

you it’s clearly have so the to do with the fact that is what about I’ve got


unfortunately as a really cute song the one weird part

is way as a as a have where we would make out yeah if I were you

would we make out that serve yeah

that’s a weird little mind-bending are you would you be me too

that’s cute that skew but with the makeout so basically if we traded bodies

would we make out

I get super curly making out we would why would it be any different

well if I were you I would we make out now probably not I guess maybe I know if

I were

somebody else and I saw myself I’ve might want to make out with me

just to see i cant I have I’m good come to flip the script and say I love that


ok everybody it live because it’s more philosophically interesting than

anything else we talked about on the show

all right we have couple more minutes looks

get there couple more questions couple more questions burned through

question number six number six stayin alive

I I see that’s what you want to do which theater

as they live the move on to the next question

what’s the fastest possible way to get a six pack

don’t make this a joke about going to the supermarket so

I’m not fat I’m really lazy and I want to spend a few minutes

as possible working out maybe as have some tips

your friend I really like Alaska um

a poor Trent

portrait and I where you at Dale

fortune Dale rights how do I get a six pack

with working out is few I wanted to talk to you

I like I want to look fucking good and I don’t wanna at

put any effort in yeah I guess everybody on earth could have emailed us that

because that’s what we all want

that yeah I don’t wanna work out I just wanna

out I don’t wanna work I want abs without doing anything for them

yeah I get free abs that’s interesting when every see someone who’s buff

out about I never think like oh this guy spends 20 hours a week working out

but maybe that’s or attracted to you psychologically I see like when I go to

the gym

I’ll go to the gym for like you know twenty five minutes to

half an hour’s like made I mean a good day like 45 minutes you know

and I like I walk in go to the gym do everything that I came to do be tired

exhausted and people would just

feel that were there when I got there that look like they’ve been there for an

hour are just staying another hour after early

and they’re just Jack Jack so you like oMG I like how do you get the body menu

I was your workout right

I obviously how do you do that by spending the fewest amount of time here

right like you you look looking good and obviously didn’t do anything

record cool I’ll cool a Bleezy a fucking fun

not fat i jus wanna I want the abs in a

the you have not really the physique just the ads one fires

the one where people can see on a day-to-day basis as the ad the other I

also the ads like the last

like that your core muscles that’s like this that’s the hardest thing the

hardest thing you have to work out here

but no I’d like to just ugh I’d like to just get it so would help with what

would you say is that

most efficient thing you can work out the least amount of time for like the

biggest physical difference

I think will like early

by several vice you know is you do is pull ups because %uh

pull-ups a really hard to do but more you practice than the better

you are at them and i won if you can do like

thirty to forty pull ups in a set like you know 3/4 at the 10

that’s really hard it’s hard but I’ll change your body you like

much better but I think what you really should do Israel advice

find an exercise it’s fun for you because right now you you’re lazy you

don’t like

obviously only going to the gym yeah but there’s like you know recreational

activities that you may be able to get into the these things that have even

tried yet

yeah and then you’ll get fit in be having fun it will feel like you’re

working out

already have ever like turn something lazy into a game like on their run

during the first quarter the basketball game then work out the second quarter

basketball games

like you can turn this podcast is some sort of like workout really doing

push-ups during

the unfunny parts and playwright yeah beloved during the

isolationist five minutes is give this guy a workout I

already did here you go you get on the ground as this the plank

I get a push-up position he never listens to it

a duly the download your second episode hmm

I well as that and let’s do one last question question number seven while

we got there more questions this time that we did the first time it’ll never

happen again

a mere Jake just finished my senior year in high school and have recently met a

girl that I like

we live in Long Island I’m gonna University of Vermont which is a six

hour drive from my house

the question is should I get to a full on relationship with their considering

the college’s

only three months away if so do I and the relationship before I go to college

or try long distance all rights to do it this is from

was there a.m. can see his real name what’s

with his middle name I am Saini Sanny San

said he sent said he sent on

let’s give so he wants to know if he should stay in a relationship with his

girlfriend when he goes with ecology out a six hour drive

with give ’em advice that he should not follow right now

%uh that’s good alright so um you know

you’re like 16 1780 18 I i think is Mike is gone might be the one

yes probably I mean what else you met everyone that you will

right are you gonna go to college but whose the air at Colony view experiences

college already had enough for those and he said download

you found the girl I think it’s worth the six hour drive back and forth every

week that’s nothing you can even if it’s like every weekend

I know for a fact that you can like figure out your schedule you like don’t

have classes on Friday

you feel like leave Thursday night get back late late late Thursday night or

like early Friday morning yeah just have the weekend together

yeah and that the best things that won’t get higher summaries of now

like that so not fun then you’ll be directed by anybody else in college

and you know it’s it’s no way what you’re fine but when you’re ecology like

wanna go to a party with no outs they always have my golf and that’s fine

exact that fund as college

yeah going out us meeting new people and experiencing new things it’s about

okay I know what I like and I’m gonna do that over and over stay with her

stay with her stay with her because obviously I mean honest this is probably

the one

at this point 11 that the one in with 18 up sure that this is what she wants to

yeah what you exact rights actually true this is what she wants to do

but a sarcasm aside break up with her in the next thirty seconds we’ll regressive

already done it

is that it turned out the park as an overtaxed I gotta bounce girl

this relationship has been has tagged ok but I have to bounce

but now it has tagged nope I

speaking a bouncing it’s time for us to bounce um

again thank you so much for listening to if you listen to the last steps that are

listening to this episode

were doing so well and it’s all because you guys yes thank you so much

it was crazy the first night our podcast we were that

I don’t know how iTunes does the algorithm but we’re the number one


in their little rank I think it’s probably

a combination oven views in a how the ratings we have and how often your mom

listens to it or something so thank you

thank you iTunes yeah and screw all a few listeners

said all we need is iTunes

Nana’s no out though into getting at

I’ll go to hell and if you want you can always email us at if I were you show at

gmail dot com

or you can listen to the show at if I review

show dot com is that it what you want to do I S will play out with the final song

holes the original sin like the most snow was there there was another one

with the disclaimer it

Ohio okay so here’s the fourth song and its by

Kevin hilt I was about to make up a name I he’s an artist that we should share

his real identity

I guess that’s fair as a thanks Kevin and thanks everybody else for listening

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