Episode 3: Noodles

Description: In this episode we discuss cool kids, smelly food, and whether or not we should edit our terrible mistakes. (Spoiler alert: We don’t.)

you

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glitches do yeah

the showcase Wow

that was legit hell yet that was written by

stony desire you know remixer extraordinaire this is

if I were you the only advice podcast on the Internet

hosted by us on Amir Blumenfeld and I’m sitting across

Jake Hurwitz Wow hello whereas not wearing a shirt

pic our pants but I am below a table see you can’t tell

well i cant lol out yeah I wearing one sock

I and once you it’s not really think

a yes so this is a fire you the only advise podcast on the

my god I’m sorry i restart I

all the end is it that I will you do do you restart or are you

are you oppose this entire thing either I guess

let’s do it who this is unedited rock

observers with you about that he gets a cut the diet thing ellen is right this

is the game we’re just grinning at each other and now not knowing whether or not

I’m about to stop the podcast

countries studied smiling and terrified I RA we save it

hey a so what we do is we 351 only

by 5p for ok brad home I gotta get thru ok no

all yet I’ll just staring at the time I’m moving a lot closer to like this

30 minutes is up yes

okay interests on written by Stoney we still haven’t decided on an intro song

alan has written by whatever favorite internet remixer who does

you know much about a tuning take any rapper said he said is that one we got a

bunch of other great ones were gonna play am

we haven’t committed to one yet but a thank you so much standing

yet there anything they’re so fun the email to send that or

any question is still if I were you show at gmail dot com

areas are changing the email address every week if it makes you fearless make

not only that but we ought to check the all the email yes so like let’s say you

listen to the first

two episodes now have the upper hand you guys

that’s right you I which I do then tag to audiences little doubt it

absolute zero the most loyal person ever

a yeah

so she get started should be just dive right into it

yeah let’s get some some people in need advice

some advice yeah okay this one is from Peter

he says again fake name completely conserving you’re an animal easy as they

make it they go

you don’t know how it’s spelled a you know it is p ET RRR

Dr while sell my problem

he says my problem is that I hang out with a group kids in my school

that would be considered as the cool kids in quote and I feel like they don’t

really like me I don’t know why since I try my best to be fun

I always try to smell great and I’m usually the funniest guy in the group

we like hang out a lot in school but after school it seems like they try to

avoid me keep me from hanging out with them

so why they’ll only like me in school and not afterwards

how yeah I try insanely hard that though

throws me don’t think it’s the lack thereof effort

I’m trying harder than anybody I promise you you

idiot you full dumbass

got ya you know I’m not 16 anymore so I can pick your stupid I

I don’t even remember the feeling they had when I was your age

a the maybe it is the effort that is trying too hard

observing physicians they like making fun of him but you know

obviously calling the cool kids is a start yeah I mean

any you think the cool kids are walking around in like a where the cool kids

no doesn’t occur to them that’s why they’re the cool kids and that’s why

you’re the nerd

that we’ll never hang out with us it is

wreak like revisionist history here yeah I have to see it

I still AM at book

you think you know Hornets and your

part your call group yeah actually I I actually I think was a lot like this kid

I whiz kinda like a class clown so I had a lot of friends in school

people would laugh at me and brand but I mean outside a school I didn’t

have a well I had time to friends if

2,000 pounds to be exact and they would totally get that

if I said it today and yet my school is just filled with

nerdy jus cell there were no cool kids which makes

everybody that cool now there was a cool group that they do you know

they would like do you know some drugs and some drinking

and hats Kahrizak no matter how great you smell

ewing dealing weed Sun you feel like nerve

you want strength you have friends you got to get a piece

you gotta roll a Jay hang out in the courtyard

by playgrounds them sit that’s what the cool kids go

the cool is so subjective like the cool kids then

I wouldn’t think they’re cool now the cool and like the ones that I would hang

out with I guess grow up to be quote unquote cool kids because they have

their life together

I no I think there’s nothing wrong with having a good job

there’s other cool financial security hey that’s pretty cool

what are you doing okay asking for advice a big cool from %uh the biggest

loser I know

me what are you doing now deal joint

oh you’re running your own music business very well very neat

we’re both doing good then can I have a job application

I would love to score some Ameren want a cigarette love you

so I yeah advice to you Peter

is a one uses targeted leads to the shit

doesn’t that likes that’s true I’m at everything that with the quote unquote

cool kids are not

yeah I’ll tell you what matters because cool

is everything your reputation is everything ed

guess what buddy the cool kids stay cool after high school

I’m still trying to make it will call grout if anybody know that he called 28

to 30 year old I would love to hang out with them

I smell great on the left the party on my way outside a bar for an hour and a

half last night

screaming i’ve a got damn podcast it’s ranked in the top five in comedy

the bouncer downloaded it listen didn’t crack a smile

and they confiscated by Eddie how is that fair

I’ll tell you how does the fake Canadian one that said I was still under 19

they’re trying to get a cool kid in high school

now we have fun next question the songs from Roger

I’m 21 in from Australia I was at my life

girlfriend’s house the other night and I needed to fart badly

we’ve only been dating for a month and we’re still on that honeymoon phase

where everything is cute

innocent I held it in for hours and blew it are

and Brick Lane let it brew until I got home

Cup but let it brew I love that it’s like it

drink as I was leaving her house she hugged me so tight it forced it out of

me

that’s adorable election hug me so tight yes you heard like a giant will because

then I let one squeeze that

needless to say I was terribly embarrassed what would you do

if you guys need to fight badly in that situation offers the mall you’re in the

honeymoon phase so is in your

your flatulence might be cue that’s true everything is cute

the honeymoon phase who want to date I’m sorry baby has it funny how it smells

like sulfur and beans

now I’m so sorry but yeah when do you start fighting in front of girls

um you know I think you gotta get out the way right away for state just

about are I this is me hey I’m Jake nice though

ok cool where you going there’s like its it is weird

how much you got your from Lake no foreign relationships with you the first

time you do it’s kinda moments like

yeah you’re comfortable around me there you go and then you start like getting

too comfortable around somebody a friend too much these

they smell awful men like but there’s no returning you can go back to holding it

and once you right

what’s the let the first one out it’s literally the flood gaskets opening and

that its open for ever you can shut that door again

I think that I am I get my I have to Pisa

at pieces of advice here okay one but I just restart the pack n snack

I love the first few minutes a

absolute messiness was fine but don’t like say I

two-piece a bit but oh I could absolutely not year scolding me

in the rain on its front step right about you can come back next week I’ll

try to do the podcast today and we don’t have to release one every Monday do you

think you

you stutterer you stutterer your stutterer sir

you started your words I iight so

the two pieces %uh advice I have are know that one

i’d you should use this as you know the

its its shepherding your relationship to the next stage it’s nice

its you finally you have you know you might not be in the honeymoon

stage anymore but now you’re in this like this other growth period you’re

comfortable around each other yen

be yourselves let your farts rip that’s beautiful

pc-based few go to the bathroom

turn both the faucets on brown water as hard as possible drop your pants spread

your buttcheeks and squat down

that just gonna be allowed air for no one’s gonna hear that she will not know

it happened

cheeses Friday’s I’m not saying I did it

now I’m just saying you forgot to include the part where you use to to

to her toothbrush is to keep your stethoscope wide enough to let the air

passed through his lawyer

that has 2x AAA to get now that’s what I call the honeymoon stage

to the plier effect is what it’s called else do that while burping

so I what i’ll do is to stick to my middle fingers down my esophagus

and just stretch my throat out so why that it just a

constant stream love silent gas instead of a burping know it’s it’s like a

and that it ends with a with you vomiting because your fingers is that

more than you through

appeared on the spreading your ass cheeks out did you into a sink

or yeah i know i mean you just the think you there too

I’m another I’m not I’ve never done this so I imagine the sink

there to %uh you know there’s some noise I

yet to cancel it I have you done it to I

I will I guess is cutting up

there’s some kinda bad I’ll reception here right there a tunnel okay

anyway yes oh how right and

a a next question this one’s from done

well odone in the office I work in

we have a lady who that sits nearby eats for lunch at her desk

each day very sad the issue is she brings in

this one meal in most is the week it smells very bad

it’s some sort of my grave herbal Asian noodle dish and smells very pungent

it almost burns your nose my friend and i can only describe it as smelling what

we think MSG might smell like

along with large amounts of sodium it takes about the

it takes about 30 minutes for the smell the die down

in the rumor and that dot gross

my friend and I comment how bad it smells basically

what would you do if you had to tell someone at work that

her food that he brings an Evo Morales don’t tell ur

you decline he didn’t tell is that somebody to do

he said ok I do with I thought it was a what we like how do we tell her

yeah well you know tonight us here saying not just yet

and live her life is so sad do you feel Asian noodle dish every single day

when don’t will it be sadder if she euthanasia you do this alone if you go

everyday scene

she doesn’t like doing that don’t go up to review Lake

hey I evaluates you he

you %uh you are the talk at the office you’re disgusting

own %ah to get away the not a good way at all you maybe this is like the one

nice part every day she is love the vehicle that she hates the jobs they I

work you go all day but like

one how rested my Asian male extra salty buckwheat soba noodles

right at my desk but is it nicer let her know that like

hey everyone’s talking about this um if you stop

we’ll be held in high regard to everyone in the office or do I think that matter

what

her attributed to always be the lady that is this really does like you

is he the one that’s currently do you know the one that used to do it

united to let her live her life in ignorant writer blissful ignorance

what could happen is if she’s quitting you should say hate your new job you

should meet you

I because and their fire

if legacy a one your noodle dish

awful smell too you’re very depressing not a good worker

who I mostly about worker I

as my base -ism you could

invite her to lunch sometime baby you know getter she brings this

we’ve cut the and we love you to I

or you and your body could start leaving the office for

lunch go eat somewhere else that could be nice study of

they should avoid the smell if you have the time your lines

the white ceiling would you thoughts might let you that think that’s it

hook the day over noodles be ready in the microwave is when you go

the half hour for the snow to be a big ongoing of noise

you guys racing at the Army’s or I I really think

you just have to suck it up I think it’s so it’s I’m so sad for this woman

I don’t feel bad for you that smell and I feel bad for this lady that if that

everything ok everything go day a microwaveable

Asian noodle this they can be healthy and lessees eating like

only kale salad for dinner and like a nice

breakfast smoothie every morning she’s not having not getting our nutrients

yes which is an LV so Jake says don’t say anything I say

I mean I would in theory should say

hey can you not I if it’s if it’s your body if you go you know it your lunch

smells like shit

the a-league fine whatever friends to tell right maybe that’s a good idea

yeah it just any part thereof have a genuine conversation really

if you’re reading My credible noodles a desk every day i three don’t have any

friends

right your will you have friends at the noodle yeah happy

renovated you taken from the labor ok

a next question here next question

hey guys I hooked up with one of my friends for about a week one morning

after I left her apartment she told me she didn’t want to keep it up because

she was developing real feelings for me and she couldn’t do that because she was

moving across the country after college

a answer I already laughing at how beautiful I that is

I a

I just don’t see any work because I I’m falling for you

and I can’t care about you as much as I do

because I’m leaving sorry just delegation noodles

couldn’t get out of my room she said we could still be friends and I was totally

cool how it ended

since then we haven’t talked and every time we run into each other she avoids

eye contact and tries to stay as far away as possible

you notice try so freaked out yes was never

felt like this before anybody good I can’t fall in love with you

withdraw troops and the shutdown the more they love the body the fuck down

the buildup these walls

what you gotta do with you get a battery we have to break through the walls

she’s faking inviting you over that she loves you

seriously what else would you tell you that she’s moving across the country to

avoid you and that you can develop any feelings for you

you know he says he will use of creative baby I’m coming with you

I do you like that now you have to be afraid to me anymore right

I were being sarcastic ass holes but

the gist is this girl sounds like she’s not telling you the truth

she’s telling you the nicest thing she could possibly do to get

at to stop looking up with you right this is tough love and that we don’t

need to make five you I’m sure you’re a great person

it’s just that we want a funny podcast to sell right jeopardize

and you know use you if you will that will whose blood fanned

to gain other ones that like we were mean to people but it does you get what

we’re doing everyone else tough living cuz we’re here

s we write every single person you’re right that a question

a personal apology for the way he to you

big so the question but we are sorry about how he answered it but it is true

I mean everyone’s been there before it’s not like you’re unique where

a girl didn’t know how to tell you that you want to stop being with you right I

which is growing actually asks for advice because I would not give it but

like don’t

if you don’t want it be hooking up with someone you should be okay I

can do this guy like you too much nobody has ever meant that genuinely

right nobody has ever been self-aware enough to be like you know what I’m

developing real feelings for you

but I’m moving away lightest I gotta cut it off rain

so selfish about their feelings yeah feeling if she likes you just yeah I’ve

got

know it non-stop let’s do it long distance yeah

nobody is that rational about love while

I just alleges realize now is that rational love your crying

I’m sorry your week going of

EE crowd carefully with there’s still one cool here

make your own answer move you to tears you have

youth all bad you smoke a little prick I

you’re writing it down fool you

value evidence like yeah you could go to deal

using a big band you nobody there at school bout love

it’s not even that good ok

verbally okay text you were the No

do you use it isn’t you have a breath

even more so insane is getting in on a mug I

nobody that resolute about my I

is holding back Holly Mac cup of coffee in the office

saying had it with needs is a new morning

so our advice is to outlet the friendship and relationship

die let her move on it’s already gone it’s already over you had something

you lost it you’re better for it because you experienced the highs and lows if

you know having and losing someone

and now you can find someone who wants to be with you despite

being afraid of developing feelings for you that doesn’t make looked just listen

to yourself man it’s obviously a lie

when it sees like about she’s being really rather than as they just look at

the May

like I just don’t want to hurt you but I care so much about you it’s like

the most selfless thing anybody has ever done over it is ridiculing every five

minutes

this is as like keeping Romeo and Juliet apart from each other

because we’re making fun of them they’re gonna play it is that they’re letting

their love was so real they’re gonna Bertha future president of the united

states and we’ve just

ruling that we will settle the kid in the beginning to sell we

I please don’t follow advice yeah I think that’d be a disclaimer and

everyone ever episodes that our advice is usually

probably number one the priorities to be humorous into it to be accurate so

probably don’t follow our advice so

go after her go to her no one is that rational about love including you

do we’re headin for tires as he’s back together

I dare you if he does that Ono

we get sued mercy

0 this is something I it’s a one point this is our first plug

we’re going to be part of the college your all nighter this Thursday that’s

Thursday May 23rd

third yeah and if you listen to this afterwards

sorry missed it but if you’re listening to it before Thursday May 23rd we’re

going to be part of the live casper gonna be like casting an entire

like all night and party like ass is gonna be me and Jake doing a live stream

if I were you which is pretty fun we never had a life before

yeah and actually we might takin callers

utterly awesome yeah that would be really fun so look after that we’re also

gonna be making

lots of funny videos and other people are gonna be there lot of funny

comedians are making me as

on night to check it out regardless love whether or not you wanna see a life if I

were you

yeah next question from Peggy a

if so I driven about having this

network

I carry it anymore okay denim Peggy says

I’ve just started dating a girl things are going really well though she keeps

texting at work all the time

got a cute I guess but I also have a lot of work to do which they do together

text me less

without just ignoring your it’s so transparent that if not kinda cute idea

yeah so much she’s is cut you I guess as one like

if you like that kinda have if the glistening I said we’ve got a cute

Jets against it was good cue who have good better than knowing its cue

party thinks it’s adorable and party wants to strangle you

yes I yes anyone just stop responding

because then it’s like oh you’re ignoring me and then the text come in

even faster

why you ignoring me where are you geil your body I got

like during a board meeting I ever everyone is just like had to be doing it

but we can all hear your phone

buzzing in your pocket incessantly

yes what he did to get on a text you less tessick

but that’s like a very rare problem I feel like most the time a mic

try to get people to text me more right i sending out those act in our time you

hear

sending out those hours yes this is that this is my cool persona as a set out

those tags hanging on the united and taxes yeah I i

I it takes cum in it does go now okok

I’m ready to skip this question to get you set up

I think you just have to the you respond %uh less and less frequently with your

words and then

you should’ve course senate like one reassuring Texas like hey I’m

like a and thinking about you too and is really busy today

unlike as you have there’s like did your days she’s like

out I get it you’re at work you know you know I don’t you have to be like

listen don’t text me at work yeah I think that’s too late user

but you know if you just respond less and less up and always apologize there

was a guitar team or just

really busy okay next question this one comes from

Joan in Syracuse it says I just finished my freshman year at the college

a ac I’m surgeon idiot ya

Gatorade we’re taking on the podcast I unfortunately bluestein read the

questions

free books I’m illiterate now dear Jake linear

I just finished my freshman year of college at Syracuse University

and I didn’t really like it because there were too many leggings and ugg

boots

so I applied to transfer now I’m deciding if I should go back to school

at Syracuse next year

or if I should go to the College of Wooster in Ohio

I like that that those are her two choices experiencing went to syracuse

and then she applied to one other colleges gotta be somewhere cold

I it’s gotta be Worcester a the people at College of Wooster seem cooler but

the academics aren’t as good what should I do

you know had better be interesting to bring in my girlfriend who actually went

to syracuse university

now and almost Travis Frederick what the static

you try to bring your girlfriend on this show since we started the show

didn’t really go to Stanford are sitting at a Syracuse you can go to the fair to

you

how to do you have a girlfriend actually okay here’s putting on a wig

I I sell are you went to syracuse university right huh

yet I did and how is it as a freshman I

he did because a too many leggings and admits

they weren’t they were definitely a lot of leggings and I birds and also like

those sweatpants that

did you see on I’ll ask you that’s where I should I

there aren’t enough for those two things like that that Hunter I

it’s funny that they’re wearing sweatpants in like -20 degree

temperatures yeah it’s pretty absurd

I mean I like rolled into class like in which emit pajamas I like I’m

disgusting month I which is true

yeah I said you apply to transfer anywhere I didn’t I i think i

looked online it like you know i mean as those economies

but I looked online you also may apply to Worcester

adjusting did trust me I wanted out I was when it was the retreat years that

will boost

heavy lake-effect snow that would like the one that got you

I you know I looked into it and I looked into what it would

would take to transfer a and then I went back to my second semester and I got

it got better as they say on the internet said it gets

better what gets better if you’re having awful freshman year lilac

I think you know like my freshman for kinda sucked into the lot alike

sorry for you if Hall you grow the president floor you know who you are

you own a bit I know your ugg boots 23 flatbed

Laura was the one wearing ugg boots if we ever run scoring

yes bully girls get peoples were lit

the word yeah I don’t know I found I found cooler people

like I actually I think the nice thing what’s your kisses are so many lame

people there that it makes it kinda easier to find really cool interesting

fun people at the truth

so yeah it’s like a kind universal college experience to

like I didn’t enjoying my freshman year I did transfer

yeah if you want to like five different schools every year was repressing I

I was good I was on your show I’m only a certain right now this is a god damn

intervention you’ve gone without

you’re calling my dad yes no

I have no son named no it is good you have the wrong number

I I but I do think that like

you know it’s it is not easy to find your people after one year takes it

takes some time

well I think what it is is freshman year years forced

hang out with people on your floor and then software you start developing like

hobbies in you

starting out people just like high school does anybody Republic remember

the freshman year of high school fun with

you do I hits I answered before he said finally

their does anyone remember their breasts your house and you have the words you’re

my life

fondly go at

so your advice would be stick it up yeah I was worth it

I mean I I don’t know I started doing improv com

he yet at the studio by her pile I do in Cali

well you know it’s early but by something that you’re into an like start

doing that like a clubber

some sort activity and that’s had someone to god damn Worcester alarm

on its alright so there it is John

stick it out and was you hate the weather and the school and the people

as I believe it was just liking that ugg boots stick it out

cool last question this one comes from

lane Pryce a gold star I

paying himself and then reading Lithia hey guys so my girlfriend who I love is

almost

a ye yeah I was level like let’s start over

let’s start over in like no you can’t saying let’s start over in maybe better

than actually starting up

it’s like the same exact emotional relief is there

I so what you have right now is starting over we do not

you know it’s too late obviously all right lane Pryce

rates hey guys to my girlfriend who I love almost a year

keeps going on these crazy conspiracy rants about the government corporations

in religion

this kinda weirds me out because I prefer having a more relaxed outlook on

life yet so we’ll ask that you respect

a year dealing with her insane rats that had broken up with her

he just comes over their lipstick all over the law 9/11 was an inside job

crazy weird math problem I hmm

or regular math problems still crazy weird yeah

this so how can we resolve these differences

I can’t believe you a two-year try to its I alike and the park has only

existed for a week

I and there you go I can’t believe you waited a year to break up with her

yes that is I mean would you say that the deal breaker

I yeah it sounds like she’s a itself which is a crazy bag lady screaming at a

wall

you as the their answer about government slashed corporations last religion

why do you love anybody that goes on crazy rabbit like that what it’s like

only once every other week

just too much I I feel like I could be the situation where one crazy rate would

be enough

really I really do I think I can handle one every other month

one every other month no one could have easily fundamentally disagreed with the

somebody you cared about was just like alive in a strong opinions about

anything

well as good as disguises with ur I your the yen to hear her yelling

your perfect for her you know use to start going on the rats to you

you heighten it get like even crazier than her like she’s so far gone you got

even further she has to meet you like just a pullback

Friday hey you gotta chill out you think 9/11 was an inside job

I really think we are real I I like bat

you’re a robot I think thanksgiving is an inside job

huh think about that a cool

i think thats all the time we have for this process but we will be back next

Monday as usual you can email us at

if I were you show at gmail dot com

again we’re so thrilled and overwhelmed excited about other

awesome feedback you know you could just email us to say that

you have notes about the show you like it yes suggestions

tips comment wheels read that or appreciate it but I mean yeah shouted to

a

to a black void if nothing is you oh that’s what the internet is anyway

that’s what my life is a yes thank you so much

any last words Jake oh you know why we should remind people to you

review and rate read about it but yes I to be athletic helps the

make it available to more people that’s true unless you have the podcast in

which case a

yeah reviews don’t do much yeah I just like it when he played yet one star to

star the thank you

bring down our Emilie yeah 25 if you had a show

all very funny so it’s like I hate your show

a law that would really get us if you have lives are you like sarcastic tone

you that love you so pink

food so if you love it five star review genuine hate it

five star star caster give you all out at a very long way

okay as the yep thanks so much for listening oh we have one last

intro song to get it today this one was by

a Brett field and will and with it so

thanks so much for listening to

0 a real quick I just realized that said I fiery the show starts now

that’s because it’s usually can start the show that for that dot com at the

end

are really yeah okay demolition said anything

looking at that right later everybody

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