Episode 32: Jake’s Mom (with Laura Hurwitz!)

Description:

In this episode, Jake’s mom joins us to discuss text messages, ex-girlfriends, and if Jake was always like that.

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thank you scratch bass response in this
episode as one’s very exciting

your mommies on it my mami yeah I love
her

yeah you there you’re a mama’s boy at
the hue and cry did tell you let me

record a podcast with your mom that was
the

is our smaller be allege he killed it
see absolute crushed it my lover

so without further ado let’s get to
Jakes moms episode please enjoy

them

yes that was tight cuz really tight
actually I was punk I

honey I actually liked it a lot I hey
this is a fire you’re the only buys

podcast on the Internet

hosted by Osama near and I’m Jake and we
have our most special guest ever so far

well I mean this that this is Allison
Williams is really I see is your

my second favorite you are my second
favorite deaths were joined today by

Jakes mom Laura

hey how I at is it okay that I sailor
absolutely and you know you miss her

wits and no

warehouses her wet snow really is down
gradison

gonna miss him I Cubs the school

yeah how dare you it is your dad
actually a miserable day

I for it we’re recording that’s from a
shed in the backyard have

it takes parents home in New Haven
Connecticut yes I don’t think have my

mom is ever actually spent a lot of time
and share them now

my brother and I have raged here waste
your time

it’s super uncomfortable madeleine it be
in here

I had no adult let down like the others
just

PBR cans strung up on the ceiling like
Christmas lights there’s a

there’s looks like what have a bong over
there

are you at all lawmakers that by the way
not mine he is it this

the fact that the shed existing there’s
a bong here means that you’re a cool mom

missus hiii means that I’m a clueless

mom yeah I i means I i plead the

yeah but also holds just posted a
ceiling fan

well honestly I think the thing that’s
scaring me the most is

there seems to be a lot of stuff that’s
like been stolen

like the street signs and their I just

this is gonna pan out a real this
podcast playing in a courtroom

I you’re going to be on the witness
stand so this your voice I

says users appears to be a lot of stuff
that is all its yeah

no it’s not I absolute tonight

I’ll thanks for coming on israel is a
very high a highly anticipated ever

absurd everyone wants to know where it
came came

I there in disbelief that he was a
raised with me that I was adopted yes

gonna ever raised by wolves are act like
that have exactly

dog like behavior yeah

years in this is an intervention yeah

someone help you have a comeback in part
will yeah

well you know who who wrote that song
well Jason

are Jas day J cigs

cool liaison is your when you read a
metal sign in paying your name is Jason

you have AJS

right that in mind Park yeah a lot park
but edta don’t get it my mom

I that’s what part yeah it does I have
to get it you’re not supposed to get it

yet why it’s park that’s what makes it
picks up for people over thirty

at what I mean I really liked it may
take offense to that amino their ego

I really didn’t like TV Guide or yeah I
figured these young kids these days we

appreciate it

and so I V you do list you to listen to
the shower right

the ideal i do. I I have to admit there
were a couple that I’m

okayed the STD test one I listened to it
up quite good at it

the result so that objects STD test
we’re going to be revealed

her and I’d just couldn’t do it and I
don’t know whether or not I have STD’s

oh yeah and I don’t wanna know

gonna I can however my heirs now

and eliminate herpes want herpes yeah a
palestinian to clap

you know there’s a simple is too I think
I have that too

is also cool yeah drug-resistant strain
of gonorrhea which I

yeah don’t really have as much as
started I

together the confluence of the another
nine STD’s are joining forces like some

sort of Voltron to create this

mega disease that aside for every day
the SSTP

the SS minow TV I have not

storage a completely clicking no I’m I’m
really glad to hear that

free and then there was another episode
it had something about hot moms that was

one of the things you were discussing

and it was the third thing and I knew
that if

I happened to be mentioned I B horribly
painfully embarrassing

but if I wasn’t I would be really heard
FL

I away from now on as well now there’s a
bit too I did not intend that’s that’s

pretty great and I think my parents have
listened

or talk to me I’d probably like eight
years later on or about your brothers

though

yayla when the doctor the other
designers they’re doing very great

themselves

I’m considered a third a marketplace
you’re doing a podcast in a shed yeah

haying underneath the I a sign that says
football pint

with a dent in the ceiling yeah I know
really tiny disco ball

they came out a bit serial box I that’s
bad you know it’s buggin me do you see

like there’s a lot to graffiti on the
walls and there’s something that says

you haven’t been somewhere until you
drank

a beer there now just the grammar in

side are really terrorizes yeah I have
the syntax near 90

I know and that’s what I find most now
lets local entire

a human tooth in the world for that
finally yeah

ratner drank not bugs me I should

as you take a photo of this place cuz we
describe in cellars it’s very a

I don’t say photogenic but at least
interesting ahead for you guys to at

least see

maybe I’ll put that on my answer is to
be in da com slash Amir Blumenfeld we

really like paula is over there saying

I here your your small man you’re ready

how to get started okay do you know how
the show works

proceed on YouTube clips leoni this a
dove the 31 episode

absolutely so yes I do know how it works
that for those are you don’t it’s a

we basically get emails people who are
in difficult places in their lives

are so desperate for advice they
actually email a podcast in

mean Jake sift through all the questions
and try to answer them as best we can

that email is if I were you show at
gmail dot com

notes oftentimes I have a problem I
asked my mom for advice

so this is everyone else’s chance out
there yeah it was true eighty five lucky

P

any disregards it all the time pretty
much but that’s okay

but these people are these people won’t
take it for granted right because I’m

right

that’s exactly right United I

alright so we’ll call this person this
can be a fake name but a real email

and will say it’s from Larry Larry Larry
rights

so I asked out this girl who stands next
to me in chorus

and she said yes I took her out the
Thursday before fall break

and I feel like we had a good time I’m a
junior at a school in the ACC and she’s

a freshman

I casually texted her a little bit over
fall break

and when I see her in court she is nice
in Lhasa my jokes

however last Thursday I sent her a text
asking her out again and she didn’t

respond

obviously the optimistic thing to do is
to hope that she legitimately didn’t get

the text

are maybe she’s giving me a you gotta
earn this booty

the crack so my question is this: what
is the statute of limitations on texting

a girl again if she doesn’t respond the
first time

the girl is cute and we had a good time
although I wouldn’t say great one

I can tell she’s not my soul mate or
anything so we don’t go out again I’m

not gonna be depressed

on the other hand I wouldn’t mind giving
her a hot beef injection

yeah if you don’t think I should try to
take her out again how long should I

wait

if at all before I considering asking
out another girl in chorus

thank you for your sage advice my
roommate and I love the show

love Larry Larry that’s a weird one

well it’s it’s a very common question
it’s like you you said before you

if a girl texts you text a girl she
doesn’t text you back you’re basically

never going to be able to speak to her
again

every relationship early on as one
missed on return text away

from falling apart entirely 30 I will
say that

I think the excuse irv the text didn’t
go through

doesn’t work anymore never happened
there are every text goes through now

and it or it’ll tell you that it didn’t
get real it just acre it went through

she got it a lot and it says a bit to
read or not this is like also be iight

big my mom

you don’t even know me this shit do you
well actually I

a little bit I do i mean you know i cool
with

yeah you had met when you were

but when you’re sixty it and i know i 14
points on US 40 at yeah my dad was

was 41 I tender actually I

was that it was a typewriter I just hit
the keyboard but you have to swipe to

the left at the end of the row

you know how to text instahub I denied
it saying I had attacked the ensign

everything what are your tax with EXO
EXO mama

a yeah reasonable care I and with XO
mama

yeah but thats I mean to my kids I don’t
like do that tho

like pace and attacks other people X 0

I only a single I can cast

I I but now I totally agree and I i

I’m sure that the text didn’t go through
thing I

agree with you i great that that any
name I think it’d go through so if you

have on now

what would you say like if if a guy
texted you and you weren’t interested in

you responded back

is there a certain amount of time that
he could wait they would be appropriate

or is it just like a lost cause

you didn’t respond once thats you
sending the message I mean

like the thing I don’t get and I don’t
get it with

you guys and I don’t get it with your
sisters is like the whole like

you know you have to wait a certain
amount of time to be like cool

yeah like be like the desperate person
you honestly rasa

you know hey you know did you get my
text right with

honestly that’s what I would do because
I’m

that kinda percent desperate needy

I no wonder

I am that way I if you can imagine I’m
one step

more desperate need that I am willing to
commit to this painful waiting game

until the entire relationship is alright
I’m so needy

I want that i’m gonna like buy into this
this horrid

awful game know I’ve seen you fire
second bullet

yeah %uh do occurs world but how long
the away well I don’t give a fuck

I to lick

I guess I can get too proud but I really
like someone has my the second bullet

but never 3

said two emails is the most to her
credit is it yeah I think there’s no

statute limitations but I think that
light

one is definitely a message these she
sent it to you don’t like

anything the second attempt should be
even more feeble just like

don’t invite her out said like there’s a
party here say there’s like something a

like a group hey 32 if you like a wanna
get ratios respond

I would text her and other something
going on and I’d be like are you going

to this thing

yeah that’s good advice yeah actually
there probably is good advice cuz if

he’s going to be seeing this girl

in chorus and the thing that’s throwing
me about this is the hot beef injection

in this famous email as right forest I
that’s a little weird I know who are you

are you are you in a harness are you

it has been giving people hot beef
injection that

at three honey UK UK game chorus and
talk about you don’t have you don’t have

a needle that injects hot

I does that in korea the beautiful boy
I’m in a bad habit boys have an angel

and I had no beef I and a penis that the
devil

yeah serve me again dog yeah

diving hot beef injection is a Simpsons
reference so maybe

that goes along with the nerdy thing
they are ya homie hand and I miss that

and I’ll admit it yeah

other I’m not good enough to be in
chorus either I’m sorry that you have no

talent

yeah I like a nerd without their any
redeeming characteristics

yeah I did have a kid that was like him

yeah well yeah

and I L and you’re awesome obvious that
I’m decent

you do have four daughters and only two
sons missus tram

surlis your marva daughter expert arm

I I actually I’m treating

kid with both but I’m probably hangin
with the girls more

yeah I have to say yeah I would say you
don’t know jack shit about

I you listen to the podcast

I guess the little bit of a leg up lets
their use you for sure you’re supportive

I guess we’re done

but I mean know-it-all I feel like I was
on my own mostly trans-pacific earlier

nyse: filling out a college I felt like
I was living in the basement you’re

feeding me but I were a call he resented
it actually

actually the sad truth is Jake was
living in the basement he’s not even

like that’s not even an any badges yet
aside a metaphor I have gathered in the

days he wanna act to live in the
basement though I have to point out

because he liked the bill code or cuz he
could sneak

in an out and he on several occasions we
would look out I just

I fairly quickly with a look at our back
yard and we would see girls

sneaking out the Delco door South dodge
a close that you said that

yeah I’ll I would add about 10 I’ll

I how would you rate their believe that
the right now

I sometimes there was more than one girl
rather let iraq I did say PLO /url

I Deanna yeah

for you were you disappointed in check
for failing at a school because you knew

that deep down inside he was smart
enough to do well

the only applied himself I’m no I knew
you could do or yeah I was the saddest

part of our

yeah I mean I yeah I was disappointed
for him I guess

but he slick ridiculously resourceful
and he’s also really likes

stubborn so and he’s not gonna do
anything he doesn’t wanna do

us the accomplishment any direction
exactly I mean we kind of her hands out

there are like you now

whatever happens happens yeah an
iterative after the third

the third college yet school technically
they went to different high school

there’s like it as good if not for handy
a

now maybe he’ll be like one of those
occurring people are take our schools

not for him but maybe it’ll be not
really like your way

like Bill Gates yeah the qualities that
I have that users like I just doesn’t do

you want that bike he doesn’t do
anything he doesn’t want is really

stubborn

sounds like of a like I should have
failed I say I deserved

do get value out in addition hours aside
from school at your dedicating it I

think I have a third quality which is

that i am. lucky just hand I do what I
want

and fuck that I get lucky by this w the
college humor it is also very modest

because even if these

is attributable to lucky not to any like
census this where is this luck in a mere

yeah I well those aren’t ports are the
same thing

think about it look at you yeah why why
take the hard road when you can just hit

your wagon to someone else that it right
I

not we have never done it but really
I’ll really good right

and here we are full circle back at my
parents house I I might stay in the yeah

I think I’m gonna dunno beings was our
second wheel to you

you’re beautiful unicycle my friend and
I appreciate it

I am Sharia move on to the next question

yeah some questions it if we can do it
as good a job with that

as he did the first one doubtful okay
this one is more

but perhaps more in your wheelhouse ok
CWA

alright hey dudes I’ll call this person

Mendez Mendez hey dudes I got a weird
kind of problem

I’m in college and I sort of a joke my
parents send me a pack of condoms in the

mail every few weeks

the problem is that they are sending me
the regular size Trojans and upon try

one on for size I found out that it’s
too tight

and a tad small I went out and bought a
slightly larger size and found that they

were far better

I would kinda feel bad trying the ones
from my parents out or just giving them

away

but how awkward would be to ask my
parents to send me larger ones please

help me with this conundrum cell

how awkward would it be for your child
to ask you

to send him larger condoms wow I know
I’m uncomfortable

I because you had the opposite problem

I bob is gone how does our borderline de
Leon I

I a dental dam yeah

it’s like a skinny man wearing a XXXL
raincoat and is moving around in there

it’s not doing god damn anything I never
work

I yeah and

I don’t know I feel like he should be
going out and buying his

own condoms perhaps calm and not kinda
troubling is parenting in the thirties

small

but that does seem kinda pissy look at
her parents send their children

condos now that you know a lot of
parents I mean I would totally do it

actually and there was and probably
saying something I’m not supposed to say

about

let me stand and yeah I’m so many people
back at I’m

I and my younger son Micah who is I you
and I love the immi

do this right now I am sorry
hand-lettered for a reminder here this

guy Allaah

I’m he wanted me to get his I’m
lifeguard

swimsuit out at his bureau because he
forgot it he was on his way to work

and he warned me that there was a large
box of condoms

in the drawer are and rather than being
shocked

I was like yeah yeah alright someone
tonight you well

yes he would happen there who taught him
well that didn’t each’s older brother

I’m it was probably Jake who taught him
how I think imma I tell him to wear

condoms

I’d I say exerted by anybody out there
were condoms and I should UN work on as

I do I i mean i tryed

ideal for while I am on my iMac tracking
right now I don’t

I but there was a wreck on and I did it
because I love my brother tell him he

should be using condoms

so as as terrible as a person you are to
yourself you’re not a bad influence on

the young ones around here

hate me I love my brother I you love
your brother more than yourself

right or another way to think about as
you understand the consequences you just

incapable love a change in your actions
because at that

right yeah I don’t I yeah I guess I’d he
say

I think I understand consequences but
there’s also a party that doesn’t

understand consequences

I mean I that you know what they are is
that there are real thing right but they

never occurred to me

in anyway it any real way at all

my cousin it back yes do not see

like when you’re feeling class you not
like oh this’ll

adversely affect me in the future I’m
just like oh I don’t want to do work

right now so I will not

yeah and I do think like oh man this is
on you know people are saying this is

gonna have a bad effect I understand
that how it works but then I most like

know it’ll be fine like what’s the big
what’s that

if I fail math then do I not get into
college and I already like

now get into college said I a sad thing
is

you’re right yeah buy it and I didn’t
get into I was like

failing at a school was like well I’m
not gonna go to the school certain to go

somewhere else

and that sure enough I went somewhere
else like I like this one

and I may go somewhere else I

I always think I like it by a I don’t
know is that if they fuck up I’m not

going to be like

dead intellisearch point when I am in
the morning yeah

so maybe your luck thing is absolutely
correct this comes back to the nothing

bad as ever happen in Jake Hurwitz model

anything that happens to me where at a
hundred people act like that maybe

ninety nine at them all

learned their lesson in a big way but
there’s going to be that one person that

just feels invincible and is

yeah untouched yeah and untouchable

I did you feel that growing up

are when Jake was a youngster d act in
that regard as well yeah

actually he was kinda teflon I mean

stuff and that would really adversely
affect any other human being

I me like okay Hebrew school on

he would run away from hebron from his
wouldn’t show up the rabbi would call

where’s Jay when aid is there on

a from the time he was probably arm

tend to time that his farm its power 10
to 13 jus running away from school yeah

and then the rabbi like made this
special half

have to our %uh that was like ok really
think there is a small dick J he edited

the Bible

yeah highway and bridge stopped or
because they didn’t learn the whole

thing this is true

and every it was the best bar mitzvah
ever

meet with thing he did I get once again
you didn’t learn your lesson like I can

run away because of the love the best
permits they ever right

was the show up in give me money and
there’s like four people in this entire

congregation will realize that I did
happen of Torah

and everybody just gonna be happy that I
only did happen look at those short

ceremony

I mean this these were things that were
going on in my mind you just think that

the universe hands to me

I I realize now how amazing it was but

but that’s totally different like the
way I was like I would never I would be

afraid to get yelled at in school like I
would be afraid that I didn’t do a 100

percent on my homework like I had that
fear

that I would have I would feel like I
had a feeling fear a failure that was

basically like

on the other end of the spectrum to
severe like I would cry

if I missed a day of school and i’d like
oh my god what I don’t know this thing

having to catch up

like what would what does that say what
does that say about me with my healthy

that is so interesting I was more like
you growing up definitely my parents

you now I M I just didn’t have that
kinda leeway with Jake

I don’t know we gave them my really long
leash I

to your more progress in your district
when I was little I am

I never feel like they’re I wasn’t any
in trouble how was it like I’ll run away

from he was cool my parents wont even
care

it was like that US cared a lot and I’m
get yelled at you as a time in my room

in my cube I’d be punished

but I was just like what I got there’s
like okay the islands over now I’m happy

I and I don’t think a were you scared
your parents yelling at you

I was scared over it I wasn’t scared my
mom yelling because my mom never really

yelled

was one time in high school when you
called me an asshole in that order all

gone I

being an asshole well as I so much fun

teenager boy that you could take a very
yeah as national had her life you

finally say

I Biggers okay and now I feel horrible
about

hacer I but my dad my dad late yell at
the top

half for no reason just shriek screen
and maybe that’s what

what it was because he liked yelled
about things so

they were so innocuous that like

that I gotta came to send the data to
yelling and discipline is something

that’s it

that could be a likely video it you feel
like taking to be governor

bite yeah it was they are you taking too
big a bit which you still do by the way

you still shovel theorizing about that
people are you ready for literally

everything is so important got home I
think

I relax I so like the end there wasn’t
make some

it wasn’t specialize punish I was just
the of I

my dad disorder doesn’t have volume love
you are a great dad ruined

I which is likely give you a lot better

yeah why are you with dad I

I here so I did dad leave you I

I lower so not true he is so often and
and

I just want to tell the condom guy go
out and buy your own don’t trouble your

mom and dad yet right yeah seriously
handed

and don’t even tell them don’t tell them
that your condoms were to you

tight died at Nara is not a good thing
it’s like I’m like oh i’m too smart for

these classes

not quite not quite at the information
they do not need

but it’s better that way then the other
doesn’t matter on better that way that

it’s too tight and includes

are you you ask her what I say as a
their delight your kid to be racks

stacked in my acting as a parent you
like

don’t wanna know just like as a kid do
you wanna know anything about where your

parents are doing

now you really do you want to know about
your dad now

yeah ideas now do with Jonah Televisa I

design series will continue right I I
swear to God give me three ish lives and

I find you three batsmen I better than
dad

smaller than that definitely stronger
smarter

funnier even richer than that if you can
imagine you can imagine third richer

than the guide imported bitshare I

I love my dad that you get the money go
to college and daddy let me go home I

I went to home and then my dad fed new
clothes ni

he yelled at me but whatever I forgot to
play gameboy in the air

sorry bad buddy I gave me shelter and
money

I love my dad dad a

for iron for learning

we’re learning we are learning that me
now I

as you don’t have to learn will there be
rock bottom for you will you will you

have to tell you force yourself to learn
something

are you think you’re just this is it at
two at age 28 you’re not going to get

any less stubborn

I’ve hit rock bottom a couple times I
feel you have been with you and I was

like this is I have to change this is
like really bad I’m like super hungover

on I like done something really

like mean to a girl here and i’d and I
change like a couple days in the latest

I like forget the way I just like the
could forget feelings which is

maybe a it’s called regress into the
mean and usually means average beers

just actually means mean you’re actually

I mean yeah

your mean is being mean ay regressing to
aim

anger thanks I really appreciate that

you know it at age 30 I think and now
that I’m 30 I can speak with some

level love with them you know me in your
mom are over the age of 30 we’re like

sort in that same age level

I think once you reach our age bracket
you’re gonna eunice realize that things

aren’t as

things aren’t as young and happiness in
anymore you have to start

addressing year your actions with
consequence and you’re gonna have to

start adjusting your attitude and your
behavior

one near that wasn’t good you know it
nevermind I’m totally sorry you’re fine

you’re here

and ethical I believe you you were
saying that is something that wasn’t me

I so I was on tender during that speech

he was not even joke I get away with
everything

iPad I’m amor OJ Simpson in that regard

who also got away with everything and he
finally got cut

yeah for selling his own memorabilia are
stealing at whatever price

held a gap at knifepoint well that was
part in taking his memorabilia that

missus

well I know I’ll I’ll change anyway next
question know what

unalterably quell JJ anyway I

alright ready yeah hey guys about seven
months

LA this is a from a dude named

Healy Healy rights about seven months
ago I broke up with a girl because I

wasn’t that into her

since then I found a new girl that I’m
crazy about she’s hash tag dope

however I find I get really jealous when
I hear about how my ex’s been hooking up

with other guys

I feel the need to look up with my ex
but I don’t wanna ruin things with the

new girl what should I do

yeah yeah I feel the need to hook up
with you our ideals behind he doesn’t

like you anymore he’s with a better
person but he’s just he really does feel

the need hills that poll

yeah Mina because she’s a girl well with
the momma

I think this guy has a republic US ego

let it go but yeah

with my momma I I love my mom and I love
my Tay give me everything even though I

don’t have any

I K but this email was written from you
till

I I mean

I think it’s normal to feel jealous
after

and after you’ve broken up with someone
I think it’s

it’s normal to to you know here that
she’s hooking up with people and be like

I’d I don’t like that but you can’t

act on those feelings in like going to
ruin her life

and the girl who you’re with just
because you’re jealous

yen actually what I find really
troubling is you’re with a better girl

and you have no intention of going back
with the other girl

you just wanna hook up with her wide to
like show her

like you know how great your lovin is
now she’s in

you know is that I really yeah I yeah

I’ve done this a million times I so

what it is is you don’t want to feel
like those guys have something that you

don’t have the union’s

go back and assert yourself and be like
not only do I still get to sleep with

you

but you still have feelings for me and
everything you do with anyone else from

now on it’s going to be meaningless

yet he had to go back to the girl that
you like any it to be like I have a

secret

ruin your life I tell you suddenly I
have the advantage over my axe

my current and my future I’ll always
have something up your sleeve

yeah here um totally

that’s me do you hate that I’m your son
I

can’t even and that I mean I’d Joan
being cured

I think you’re joking around right now I
am I

serious magic I can imagine you having
that impulse to go back to somebody but

I can imagine

ever acting on it cuz I think you’re a
lot more

because I can’t imagine yeah

a good you’re a very Lake I know I’m
nuts but this Billy terrible thing to

say

I think you’re like a really good person
like basically good insensitive deep

down

how yeah country maybe a couple years
lol yeah

act as if you go deeper than that I’m an
asshole again or is it I a good guy

asshole good guy

I collect such as a ahorrar

guys shell then just bad guy

bad guy they almost down to the core and
yes or there’s just sort of a thick

tender shells good to hear is it is it a
peanut butter M&M

candy-coated asshole Nokia reported a
nice guy

chocolate asshole peanut middle good guy
again

you interested I like bass lol you’re
you’re a

your candy exteriors what attracts
ladies do you take %uh this guy’s a good

guy he’s so nice is suffering is a
wonderful conversation with his tall

attractive funny humorous whatever

now below that what they don’t see is
the chocolate like I’ll maybe five

really knew every important but that he
had I wouldn’t be as attracted to him

it then deeper down underneath that is
the fact that you’re self aware about

that chocolate there because most people
are chocolate and then you get to the

middle on this is chocolate is chocolate
M&M’s

European nnnnn that Pena is that level
of self-awareness they had a says

you know it that chocolate layer does
exist I am an asshole but at the same

time I’m not too inclined to change it

you don’t want to just be a candy-coated
Pena yeah Wow

Wow amir is his parents and mazing

that was as as me I I really am

power on a chocolate-covered P nah nah

happen and are you doing out there and i
cant whoever I’m yeah I don’t need to

give a shit about me they are

any bike fail at something goes wrong
I’ll move on to my dad not apparently

and

I really think that’s what’s gonna
happen as set as my witness

I Iran or Consequences who me

I that the sign I’m working on I’ll have
the first line right I

I was too busy on tendered said my
one-man show there are no cut

for me I you were talking about doing
stand-up a talking about your exploits

because they are very entertaining to
listen to yeah I really wanted to do on

that seventy scared

because the you’re afraid that I’ll
expose is not a nice guy I think noted

really afraid out forget the words I was
up there

I write it all down

be funny satire I do much more
superficial amount that’s right

I’m afraid I would like my voice Iraqi
people dead at a party a as a gateway

more people in like a one-man show at
the UC deal with gray

said but yeah this is like down register
for a job you like actually terrifying

anything to get up there and

you know me I’m tired but there appeared
a key talk about this podcast is there

be what about

a exposing yourself in front of
strangers like is this that’s what this

is

money I get to do it for you yeah it’s
been doing a lot probably would be

deputy

justice too nervous yeah and I NHA

I K can she can imagine me doing it to

I also CC’d I

let’s take a little %uh mental be there
right now I wanted to ask you up all

your children

you have six kids right yes their real
dad and her cell be strapped

a for those guys gonna jake has an older
sister then Jake was born

then you guys had triplets yeah and then
you had a child after the triplet right

a surprise yeahh known as Janice appeal
yeah

on well well this is a question I asked
her husband actually a couple months ago

what would you say is the perfect amount
of kids to have in retrospect

you know in retrospect why can tell you
we started out to have

our intention was to have three by

sometimes the best things are beyond
your intention and honestly

6 was perfect great because I he said to
without batting an eyelash

hi I didn’t even finish my question
before you today I

and was a big mistake with a slit and
under that wire year

in an area with Diana yeah when I
wouldn’t very different if I only had

it was just me and Hannah yeah there
were interpreted or Micah

yeah yeah I think the whole family
dynamic would have been a lot different

yeah but did you worry about Jake the
most as a child life in LA

oh you mean just kinda behavior reality
like when Hannah was 18 Jake was 16

triplets were like 12 and make it was a
of who have to see whose future did you

fear about the most Jake

without a doubt I haven’t say the Jake
was like this

I kinda trailblazer in a way like
absolutely nothing could surprise me

after Jake arm by I’ll love

I actually love that about you I mean
honestly jakey EU

meet me open my mind a lot it being

it’s just trail a lot of my friends who
had you know good kids

doing air I not like Jake yeah

a traditional Saha headed charity and
work mean to people I

in it to be woken up at three in the
morning because a friend over the years

has gotten hit over the head with a bat
and or to have the

some the police you know knocking at the
door saying

your sign um drove off with the gas pump
things sticking in the car and he broke

the pump in now

than mobile station once you guys to
make restitution I mean

you know this I and

I it just like we kept saying it can’t
get any worse than this and then it

would it would gather so you know you’re
not a rock bottom and actually

yeah shit United have I had such a cuts

sheltered childhood and now that Jake
and I have ended up in more or less the

same place I wish I had

been crazy because like what’d I will
was I such a pussy about poor

now I’m sitting in a shared across in
this at all doing is everything at him

he had an amazing

childhood there are none atm at camp
every summer gonna be at the base rate

academically further my career here I am
the same got their shared how is that

yeah how is that good like is not fair
it’s not a meritocracy that’s what

I’ve told many people not a mere stuck
with them you know

food that was good at my new book
actually I

a meritocracy on peanut butter M&M’s and
you

yeah well but maybe if I was like you we
wouldn’t end up

I doing what we’re doing because it
doesn’t take two people like that yeah I

think that’s like probably

what was that like we are opposites that
we like found some life happy medium

that we won’t make the podcaster kinda
like your marriage

I dad is that she had a weird robot your
I

out yeah I mean well dads very common
sense a call he is definitely does acne

brain is like you

yeah and he was always like you know
super high achieving in school

and she is wrecked and his mother wanted
him to be a doctor

I need to find my own Jakes mom Dharma
to my Greg

yeah ed honestly that when that show
came on I thought

it that last or did there was the show
called Bridget loves Bernie

that was on in the seventies about a
Jewish guy who are you my okay I’m

and shoes were reborn sixties I

but I do you think you need to balance a
new guys totally you balance each other

really really well yet again scares me
is that I found my soulmate and it’s

just a mere cell

I binding but not like this doesn’t
happen twice

I think at this point is it’s like 2am
may be better to just be gay

yeah like I the hard part we’ve tried

I actually wanted you on the podcast
doin it okay tell me he didn’t a

there is hardly a day in Hasley did as
he was about was getting a member that

yeah and I had A’s world you remember
the guidance counselor in seventh grade

asked me about that merrimack yeah he
was actually wondering if you could hook

J covered day game does he like dude
like a

well right now but I’m pretty cut I

was US predict guided I he was being

on bullied on the school bus the
remember this Jake now this is another

embarrassing story was being bullied by
guys on a school bus and they were

calling him

gay and the F word can’t fathom that
they don’t talk like that

and I’m when I went to the guidance
counselor I said you know this is very

disturbing mJX

you know coming home really upset I
think you were crying every day it was

warm but but

anyway the guidance counselor rather
than saying those those kids should not

be bullying

Jake he said well is he gathered know a
thing ever

it was the seventh graders being picked
up like UK you how is like

missouri’s I have some pretty bad news
for you you know a ride in the back to

the cool kids

there under the suspicion that you said
is a homo

yeah he’s a career loser die by the
bullet I

digest the Jake is in fact a queer no I
today so that has them but I don’t know

there’s gotta live alone

I did what I did for me to yell at them
and they’re not then be right

now I love them to think I am gay 4 what
a terrible

again it’s gather that he was on the
boys side yeah

well as hope truly disturbing because I
won’t be like that

yeah I wouldn’t like that school and
that’s why you went to private school so

there you go

I there that’s cool for another four
yeah

Thailand on Friday we wanted you to
toughen I was beer spent like

I spent all you know firstly k to 6

cool having friends and then we moved
one year

and I went to it and a new school for
seventh grade and i was just the hugest

loser

for one year and then like I went back
to school in eighth grade

anything people forgot that it happened
but I it wasn’t who I went back to the

same school

and it was I was in college as I was
normal yeah yep that’s Joe

one worst year of my life with a big win
like retrospect was kinda formative

here because no comedian is cool
throughout their child that otherwise

they would have to be funny

we’ll see so fortunately for me I just
had one year a bullying

yeah and that shit now let me be a
comedian so I don’t have to injure

yeah another thing that said yes they
worked out 30

in yeah I mean that’s actually really
true you know that one

of year where you were in to wrestling
figures and I’m so I won’t go into

wrestling figures were cool ocean not
loud I

David coolest thing about the one thing
I had going for

yeah well as the loser is thing about
here I don’t think there was nothing

like

losers about me it was just like I was
on the wrong bus line there was a good

one kid who decided that I was gay

yeah that was it where is he now you
know it’s amazing I get to the good

stuff

you tell a chick I this asshole this
little shit head that like ruined my

like at least half my years at you wanna
say his name I and II

I can say I like I

thank I listening fuck all

yeah this is a small and my game I’m are
any yeah

I I for you we’re now

so I i you know I didn’t think about it
for a long time and then

one day head am as at work as a charger

in terms and he applied to be a college
email out you should

you should have a higher demand made a
beer like lackey I talk to Iran talk to

Sarah Schneider about it now like

told earlier all that like the whole
entire store eggs I was so like

oddly happy Justin no like a huge send
his resume likes already been up to

jack shit and visibly his name I do I
really don’t wanna

I is the ubiquitous name it’s not like
that not even his real name age area

yeah and in some different I’m

but us so you had been up to a lot and

he also named drive to me is like I
think Jake Hurwitz works there like what

school together and I was like i jus
dinners I just like I’m the treated like

a tree every internet were not hiring
its won’t even respond

knows it he’s actually see another
fortune 500 have been gathering at Intel

and I started but I couldn’t believe it

and is standing outside the Shaikh
declaring that danger

the bulldozer in a deed it is our son I

me honey

I if both dad dad

me only care that eating daddy’s money
yeah

money I don’t have my cell phone I don’t
have my car I don’t have my apartment

figured out that money I

he daddy your money

I it that everything you are Demi

I we should add your dad as a guest
later on I was like as the most

practical pragmatic I love my diamond

yeah I would that would be really funny
interesting Shaw

para I am should get to one last
question before we have to get outta

here

with the one final wanna do it I this
one comes from another dude a

will call on paper even though that a
female characters name alright

aidid’s so I was skyping with my
girlfriend she told me she was watching

the show naked and afraid

then she made the comment I would love
to be on that shell I couldn’t help but

feel

incredibly disappointed in her and I
told her that I would not be okay with

her being naked on national TV let alone
been

with a naked guy for thirty days in the
woods to enter that I was being crazy

for being weird about it and
hypothetically if she was asked

she would accept to be on the show even
though I would for bedded

because I would be selfish for robbing
her be experience

we then proceeded to get into a huge
argument am I crazy for having an issue

with the thought of my girlfriend being
naked on national TV

or should she respect my feelings
initially hypothetically

would be asked to be on the show she
should say no thanks

paper that is so convoluted but also
agreed it’s amazing that the two

relationship

problem this this hypothetical but yeah
I mean such a huge fight over nothing

yeah the word hypothetical with you
which is way too many times I think for

the steven is really do you know about
grammar

programmers their point here yeah too
much hypothetical anything hypothetical

you should not have a huge

issue with its hypothetical yeah I by
but maybe there’s a real issue here and

that this person the

this relationship isn’t built on a solid
ground one in the issue is that he

thinks he can use words like for bid

for its growth like I for bid this I
absolutely permit I do like that you’re

you’re like oh you’re a mean husband but
nineteen I

buddies her bidding a hypothetical which
makes it a lil okay you’re right you’re

right I mean maybe it is an issue the
word

for bid is also yeah there is a letter
here I don’t think you should be you’re

a link that anyone

now yeah I I don’t know details it
doesn’t matter at all

I think I get my advice for situation
like this we like

getting upset over hypothetical is
alerted the guy who is the girl was like

um

I would rather have a threesome with two
guys and two girls and a guy really

upset right

just like I mean just immediately drop
it and

keep in the back of your mind if it ever
comes up that’s when you come out

swinging

there’s no need now to have this for you
not to put your foot down on something

that doesn’t exist right put on the back
burner and if anything you’ll seem cool

and its it’s just gonna die down it like
our data showing naked in a breakneck

other be awesome to be great

that I never came up I would support
that and then said it never ever will

you’ll never have to deal with it or if
it does

they just be like actually I’m really
not okay with this and that he has had

the big fight would mean something

but you can never forget you just state
your case and see if she goes in there

now for bidding

yeah at wow you guys are really wise I
was hung up on that word has it that a

car but you’re right I mean there may be
is an underlying

issue thing I think it is the word for
bid and I do you think the fact that

this is all

hypothetical what object at want to be
on the show naked and afraid with a

naked person on TV for 30 days we do for
bed

not at of highway out a lot at I just
wanna be on white spot

I want I slop I did and if they were
still doing the show

an appointment if they’re not doing the
show but I was out there down a swinger

what I have no idea

New Years party and died 01 everyone
left argues in the ball

it’s like they made the guy who packed I
email the people in a swingers party

their way

there together and live together you you
guys know what Wives Club is right away

it has nothing to do with swing you know
that right yes the at

and yeah right I wanted to be clear and
unable to get there

that as you become a mommy at a
different house for a week or two

yeah and I really did any of our money I
yeah

I wanted to find the polar opposite have
our house

yeah I LAN apollo opposite data which is
just like a strapping handsome smart

charming man is like before I’m dead
serious

I no people aminos people injured at for
instance may

maybe I some friends were doctors see
agassi my dad’s friend doctor

yeah same the slumming I

with this fuckin with his bike and I
don’t even wanna column a dude really

how how to do it. the

he’s a weird little man child I can’t
believe that I’m happy and I really

I I’ll go to try to say that I’m 100
percent yet

I’m a job governor bear ISO shoreham

or or so gotta immaculate conception or
something

we’ll go with that but let that you’re
engaged shed the

has I mean this is designer bad law is
her giving riders that turbine operation

shellfire Shekhar I you appreciate all
the material is the Grainger item on

their return my call on every week I
approved

I sell I don’t take out the trash
anymore my gear forty thousand dollars I

can a week

and I really had a thousand four to
eight thousand I

I’m not crazy 48,000 week 4 to 8

that’s the whole lot 4 determines
whether it’s for five secs then the

number to masking

and I’m always asking for 10 but like
sometimes read odd sometimes these are

the podcast nears be calling out by
Donal

I love you dad I think your money is
great I think mom can do better I

this is an army annual nothing I can
have a better dad i’m saying she have a

better husband

I instead Mika’s it is what it is

I the people versus amor I

are spammers as their I

hallowed CuMn a two-minute the ranting
against

that one casual aside United released
any other building one foot odor

I now whatever I love you meant anyway

you dated started dating at age 14 yd
you don’t have any experience with taxes

and stuff like that right

well oddly enough I’d I’m weeks at them
and i were really good friends

I’m when I was 14 and he was 16 but we
didn’t start dating

Intel I was 16 and he was 18 so that
two-year period that was it

yeah there was a two year period I V
High School of Arts Hao

yeah my momma yeah

today down a bit I mean I’ve and in the
bed I

there to let it go well it a go yeah I’m
know he i

I did have I a couple of high school boy
friends one of them

his his oMG girlfriend’s parents were

professors at yale there on sabbatical I
was his girlfriend during that

sabbatical year the girlfriend came back

he dropped the soap like he went to pick
this crappy airport

and that was that gone while I have read
it has laid you

rebounded added that is dead that is
exactly what

dating I the pure let the whole world
may well not only him but that name at

pay gap you home who would I’ll be
listening I want you back I gotta tell

you I had six kids

the same man we’ve been married five
years but I will throw it away

I’ll pick you up at the airport I

claimed this is my last Sunday figures
like there’s some

I got

good a get up a survey thank you very
much there’s

our listen this is a really fun even
though we’re in the squalid shed

it was like so much fun you guys are
awesome the acoustics in here great yet

we think you’re awesome

and actually you know if you wanna hear
more of my moms and I’m using

she has a blog where she writes I think
they’re very lovely

essays postpone sometimes yeah they’re
they’re touching and funny at the same

time there Jer their drama de

the 18th like a yeah and it’s lovely
blog

that tumbler dot com yeah that’s what it
thinks lol

II bolo ji that on the dot com

right so if you wanna know from the
makers a Jake Hurwitz comes out lot I

my second find of Ray I

goes well yeah Jake the blog your other
kids

I yes and I have if I if you guys wanna
email in

add to the show that he million is a
very showy gmail dot com

we you won’t be able to get Jakes mom
sage advice because she just in the

shower she probably won’t want to do it
again for a long time

but I will try to answer them as best we
can we also accepting themes on

submissions

that personals from Jason this I Lacson
will be from Tyler

and we’re also giving shout-outs to
people who left reviews on iTunes page

was a really helps is a

so much Chinese under steffi love to
know I want to 339 sure line B and a

sheesha

we really appreciate that you guys I am
yeah that’s it

I was dotted with real pressure
littlefield on November 6

in Brooklyn so you can buy that we’re
also going on tour with streeter

you can go to college Unite com slash ch
on tour

that we finally figured out the URL for
that yeah so if you live in Doraville

somewhere along the eastern seaboard or
at the midwest would love to see there

for that

but thanks again for coming on our show
yeah home and his mind if really bad as

when your favorite episode

I O all second favorite because Ricky
killed a

highlights debuted at number two harm
and that mean that song last summer

night of

I you’re still gonna feed me cute after
this right you know okay great thank you

so much

I’m gonna go eat some pizza let thanks
so much for listening everyone but

yeah I you’ll Yano good on their

like your job the link to your blog like
the botulinum was a dumb blonde

dodo large day I sags

my way to go Xiao Wei CA by I’ll die

job

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