Episode 4: Cheeseburger

Description: In this episode we discuss life, love, and the pursuit of cheeseburgers.

for you

they say

you the

timeless do the

his tell you what they do

thanks Christian kar very nice folksy

the HOA this is if I were you the only advice podcast on the Internet

hosted by us al Amir then I’m Jake yeah and

we are still getting gathering collecting submissions for our intro


are trying to do a new one every episode to keep income in

keep arm comment some of them have been really great

other ones have been truly awful yeah

so I don’t worry if you run of one we are riding with scathing email

as we speak are serve your own offline don’t worry

somebody has omitted one worse than the one you you’ve recorded

right next week we’re going to have an awful theme song episode 102 pitches

and same the people with no musical talent who tried to make something for

free for us

yeah how dare you show effort that’s the first part a failure

thanks for your support loser but no takes

become a lawyer cell as always we’re going to be

answering your questions these are real questions from real people that were

submitted to us via email

at if I were you show at gmail dot com

you can also listen to the podcast that if I were you show

dot com oh my god I

we speak we didn’t get a single freakin he fell

only see it we just refresh the page in Yahoo

nothing just 10 awful thongs the new requested I

we started recording without checking the mail

that’s a haphazard we r god damnit now don’t worry we did

we did get a lot of good questions and a let’s start

let’s start with the first one how about that a good place to start yeah why not

ahead this one is from once again make up a name to preserve your anonymity

this one’s from Jamie

I’ve been for I’ve been feeling pretty guilty about what I’ve been doing

to a girl who likes me I know that this girl is into me because she has told me

that she is

that’s a good time that’s a good sign and has asked if I wanted a dater and

land she did I told her I thought she was really great

but I couldn’t be where she is right now because I had a lot going on

which is a lie I just kinda like the fact that she’s attracted to me

and I it dick that question was submitted by

me right yeah I this is your alter ego JB

holy shit buddy I don’t have any advice for you because I have the same problem

which is what %uh we should get a drink man I

talk he beat the shit out here I 23

growth pattern dude who trapped Aug

well what is it what is this problem may speak if I it would seem like you only

like three love the chase

and you like feeling wanted by somebody but you are too

much %uh a dick yet to actually I commit to anybody or go after somebody that you

really like

so what’s the mature thing to do and what the immature thing that you do you


yet do you do yeah it would be a great big UK

its you drooling eyes I guess the

the the right thing to do is that not string somebody’ll on

I get over yourself and don’t have ego that needs to be stroked by somebody

liking you when you don’t like them back

she’s a human being to a but don’t think I’m talking down to you because what I

do is just collect as many people as I can who like me

so I can feel good about myself like a like a human collecting pokemon cards

they just

take these people’s souls and at them to fuel my fire

yeah as the field it’s kinda like um it’s kinda like eating a shitload of

french fries it feels really good while you’re doing it

yeah you have like these really well moments we like I am a monster

I home filled with salt I guess in the grander scheme of things it’s just like

the idea

instant gratification verses long-term personal growth

right yeah and after french fries I

Guzzi over specifically sweet potato fries

so would you say this is the same thing as eating junk food or smoking

cigarettes yeah I could they be

at the instant gratification it’s like this is great I’m happy right now

but then later on you feel City and overall its

aid unhealthy way to live but if you live on healthy and till you die

would you say you’ve done a good job or you’d you

as if you’ll live on the edge the entire time it’s the only way to live

I yeah it’s always on the present is a disaster

adrenaline self-destruction another 30 years like me than 60 years like you dad

I those looking you do that you know mature as you tell me

I got no dice for this guy what about the female together

left but what about the personal mantra thing oh yeah you know I started doing

this thing I’m

my sister is that as I very good one might as well make this is a great

people wanna them specifically easily best I

what does that make the right here dori that

those for us to look at I go I we did that fix thick X is that if

on the so 10 then told me to do a.m.

sure those things called daily affirmation the affirmation about love

I’ve been doing it for the past few weeks nothing’s changed yet but I think

its own

source emitting itself in my brain to everybody should have their own so you

can make up your own ABC and every morning

to remind yourself what you really want over your

lifetime versus what you kind of want

for that day your life it’s hard to like say okay I’m gonna not

eat this thing or do this thing or smoke this thing that I want

right now because it gives you instant pleasure

for sacrificing something that you think will come in the future

right the hope love being a better person but I guess you have to place

your values

like on more of a long-term are then the current

what this is you this you I’m hyper logical I’m hyper aware that like

and I’m maybe too much so that like I’m starving myself I’m not getting like

I skip french fries I asked I’m that kinda guy they get salad on the side of

a turkey burger

that fries on the side of a cheeseburger that’s what I had

beginner live nah and I look at you and I like God

I envy you for that moment but then the meals over and then you’re like

over both full and then you blow onto and being me you know it’s

yet streusel like your and be less about 20 minutes well I devour a burger

and mine last for the rest of the night when you like

happily go home with your girlfriend go to bed without feeling disgusting

wake up and take a really nice solid nice poop

yes very well thank you very nice scoop yeah

I actually saw this document about happiness where it’s at

that their external like getting happiness from external factors like

value and money

fleets very instantly but the internal dow

like enter a value happen is that like being a better person and helping others

is what last for a longer time

shit because that despite I

I need to go volunteer I at a cheeseburger festival

yeah this Tyler white-hot to volunteers there that she’s very versatile

let’s get to some sell your questions like and yeah I don’t like the way that

turned I were both sorta

firm were both crying a little bit not

we’re not good right sleep overall demand

this is to real I

a okay next question from robber

hey guys long time listener first time writer my girlfriend is still really

close to her ex

whenever I tell her that I don’t feel comfortable with him paying and hurl

being in her life she gets really offended and says things like

do you not trust me I trust you I just don’t trust him

he’s been at the center of most of our relationship problems and I think it’s

healthy for her to be friends with him

what should I do Ono

I just like it sucks cuz they live together still I

and I wanted to move out you Grove and is currently on a date with her

ex-boyfriend alive

a d-bag for not wanting that the dude is always on our couch

I holding my girlfriend’s hand making out with Aaron shit

it’s like a well I trust you I do trust him

this dot kissing you I don’t think it even about trust like okay I’m not like

you know make you don’t think she’s gonna like hook up with them but it’s


it may seem uneasy but like not something you like thinking about them

doing then

you can request for him her to stop yeah I think that’s all you gotta do I think


just make your feelings very known and if she

refuse if she doesn’t care enough to change your actions like make you feel


then you shoulda rethink your relationship entirely

so you think maybe she likes her ex-boyfriend if she chooses her

ex-boyfriend instead have

him then she’s actually had strong feelings for her ex-boyfriend

well I think even if she doesn’t have strong feelings for ex boyfriend I think

you if the person you’re in love with asks like tells you that

they feel a certain way and you did nothing to correct it make them feel

better than

you know you don’t care about that person enough say you think you can

this person rock should just

tell his girlfriend flat-out I don’t feel comfortable with this yeah I think

you should

route it’s not about trust I just don’t like it right

I was think it’s funny where like a guy is

dating a girl and she cheats on him with another guy

and then the guy gets pissed that the other guy and not the girlfriend right

like you what is that guy have sorry I can’t I can’t

I don’t know your boyfriend but I respect the shit outta you

how dare you put my girlfriend under this magical spell

I sure its through

see she had no say in this matter you ask

and I’ve never punched another person’s face for sewer line now

yet damn right if I

I’ve only been punched in the face accident at thirty time I’ve been that I

I think I’ve just been that guy your eye your girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend in this


ray I yeah I don’t know I feel like you gotta just you got a teller

and when you’re hanging out with the girlfriend who has a boyfriend

do you feel guilty no I don’t feel anything right

but that’s all the time I understand I never feel

anything I solid bodies were you getting um

is from a hollow nothing man how does that make you feel

biggest girl eating a cheeseburger with the waiters a mile out

where he said that the yellow I Drake

day at right next question

and this one’s from carry on Tyrion

Tyrion the Criterion Collection I have a girlfriend but I think I wanna be single

things are going smoothly and she has no idea I’m having doubts

is it better to attempt the dist to distance myself to give you an idea

or just to be straight up and come out honestly with her and tell her I want to

break up

opposite based on yeah it was the opposite a nice

okay so this is what you should William

days do you should string if you don’t

like this girl right now

it will get better you’ll get more attractive are extremely long string

along just until you

started to feel the feelings coming back just exactly and they will come back

course feelings always come back like you fall outta love with someone and


one day magically you’ll fall back in love and I don’t

respecter enough to tell the truth know who respects the to a girl that you

that you lou love doing air quotes for a don’t tell the truth

bring her along just just just keep on oh you know what you know

distance yourself don’t even wait just like act like an asshole

right act like an asshole she leave you ensure and you know than enough to do

the hard and leaving a breaking up with a rebel XD break see you can be like the

bigger man day

do I totally understand like I’ve been kind of a jerk angrily

I had I actually kinda agree that maybe we should break up that you know and


also you get that sympathy from all your friends other girls you are you all go

to a bar your calls at like he just got his heart broke his girlfriend

dumped him yeah and they don’t know that you were just a jerk to her for so long

that she had to break up with you

so yet be honest with your girlfriend and Teller but the feelings are you

having maybe she’s having similar ones you guys can talk about it

or maybe its height and the relationship this is also serve the same thing

instant gratification rices long-term happiness like it’s hard to break up

with someone it’s hard to sit somewhere down to be like I just don’t think I

like you that much anymore

of course but if you’re worried about hurting her definitely the thing that

hurts more is to like

stay in a relationship for months longer than you should have

somebody loves you start to be a different bad person

right then have to break up with them that may not hurt

as much as breaking up like let’s say breaking up is a hundred at a hundred

and this is only like a 20 at a hundred

but a twenty at a hundred for a hundred days in a row is still a 2000 yeah I

mean you’re a musical you with the match but

I absurdities the seventies so these nerds listening to the podcast

the goes like this: yeah I mean use you don’t want to break up with her because

it’s really hard and sad

so you are going to be an asshole and make her breakup with you

make her do the hard way yeah fuck up here if

I be a man I’m selling my cell

%uh in a beer right I for

still eating french fries I always

alright next question help I told my fifth

happened um holistic but see give us your number

we we’re gonna call 911 for you well it sir does go in that dark period

it ends with help I told my school counselor that I want to kill myself

last week

as a joke and now they want me to come in for a weekly suicide watch checkups

really alice is being dramatic and I don’t need their help

how do I get at it without everyone think I’m thinking on suicidal

cheeses Christ that is pitch black

we should have a segment on the show where were you bring somebody and just

so we can slap them across the faith

are you surprised that you got in trouble

after making a suicide joke to a school counselor

do you with kidding let’s go let’s go let’s go the counselor

okay you need to the you to learn how to do your job because some people that

they they’re gonna kill themselves are being sarcastic

yeah not everyone is that is gonna kill himself actually

does it you love ’em do yeah zilch 0

you to relax mister thompson I think the school counselor maybe just doing his

job because

every do we give this person name let’s column Jon Snow

Jon Snow cool so John on your school counselor is doing exactly what he’s

supposed to do

he’s you’re you’re supposed to look for the signs and what are the signs

is joking about being suicidal right so your counselors doing his job

or her job love you know watching out for at risk kids and you are not doing

your job I fucking with your counselor

yeah if you were kidding you shouldn’t have kid in this is your punishment if

you’re not kidding you were just being

overly dramatic but you are kinda sad that it’s good to see a counselor anyway

totally so whether or not you’re suicidal the fact that you’re

you know even making jokes about it maybe a sign that you should be talking

to someone like an adult

or two man children on a podcast like a

I I don’t know what this professional can offer that

is any more valid yes a hurry flannel

flannel pants and a muscle shirt right now your day like

you look like somebody want to kill them I quake zone to kill themselves last

week I

emotionally I’ve given up well

I I really like that think in a

I want you to feel it alright next question

dear Jake and Amir I’ve started seeing this girl she’s really nice

and everything but I recently found out she’s a virgin and plans on saving

herself for Mac a

yeah that’s gotta get outta the relationship buzzer

ditch the proof I need newt I fide and you

I know that doesn’t have a good to go public coverage

did but Harry’s was defined news I don’t know

I guess ditch in normal woman and hang out with a stripper a different way to

a non driving way of saying leave Thursday I apologize you could pose the


I feel awful about myself you it’s the prudent Biden

the fifth I’ll to me

a physical attraction is important to relationships should I stop seeing her

or other ways to be intimate with that going past quote-unquote second base

so save yourself from educating go to third base is this girl

is the ask if if is if he’s allowed to get a blowjob

do that scare I can I can’t think blow Jays

till marriage and I’m it’s tough because it feels like you’re being shall you


looks like oh so if you can sleep with me don’t wanna be with me

no it’s not about that but it is kinda about that only about that yeah

we talk about shallow she’s I didn’t sell its entire podcast why stop now

interview I mean a physical

this class was a religious are very important to some people and if it’s

important to you then

you’re with the wrong person isn’t it important to everybody

what percentage like if if the relationship is a pie chart how

important is physical versus emotional and Mike personality attraction

imagine its different it’s different chart for a lot of different people may

be for this girl its

that’s a very what she doesn’t know yet but I I don’t know yet

I think it starts the first thing like when you first meet someone who might be

like a hundred percent physical

right 0 percent emotional and then over time the emotional personalities life

grows and grows and grows as people get uglier and uglier and uglier you’re left

with just

the human shell and the personality well

how do you know if she like has had all messed up with these are seven

I II drug they are home on our wedding night be like I

0 what I do

years ago how are those daily affirmations coming um what

that’s actually let your beef you every morning

with tiered Jake how do I know for

policies not gonna feel like oh no what’d I do

you deserve love I don’t deserve love

on that yeah i i really I think if

I were you I would probably get outta the relationship

I mean hood till marriage thats years for some people

well that’s why a lot of these people who are saving myself for marriage rush

into marriage maybe

right through because they want to get to the physical part maybe if they’re

able to have sex

that hear that pope whatever your name is

I it’s just the pope’s idea that’s the only reason it’s still a rule

the pillow I you do that you may have if only the Pope changes my

and then there’s the idea that girls are like China like find their way around it


loopholes rightly anal sex yeah

yeah I definitely feel like the pope is not

he’s not advocating anal sex and blowjobs

full their theories that God thinks it’s okay

anal sex is okay make i am certain god-like only entangled that

I like dude with that you put it in the butt

I you can still go to have has tagged ok you get to go to the special having

words with

hit my special club in having it all anal sex all day

its it situated on the top have an enormous ass hole

hot guy grounding to see it looks like health everybody else who doesn’t like

an old legs but the year with the depraved little slave to detail yeah

evident how the same thing I whether or not you like living on a giant specter

hookah put that on a bumper sticker

absolutely not a.m.

so yeah I guess if I were you I would also if

physical attraction is important to you and it seems like it is then

this certain situation isn’t working out also she seems very religious and you

don’t see very religious that emulates a

if the indicator the bigger problem beyond just the sex right her life

views are different Valley ol I like this go biking fucker it’s like I like

this girl and she has a different outlook

and way of life the right exactly

so dump the prude and hook up with the nude

health yeah a next question

let’s remind people where they can submit questions through that’s why

you’re here and

had alright really I think the reason I

and that’s why I’m leaving okay

like dot you’re insulting me again is stuck to the chair

gain selling 3-d TVs Oregon fried

here is that this I resent this live accusations leaving any for lunch today

well had a cheeseburger and french fries last night today

today it since I’m feeling awful I think sell it actually policy like

you’re one of those people like that slips back and forth between the two

yeah that’s what did he ever made I

deathly débat back and forth between oh my god

everything might i live the vacillation up

we’re getting your wisdom teeth out my city as much sell food as you can

oh that’s true gonna be on like an all liquid diet for a couple days

yeah and stuff has the magic

klaas them was made it there with a gun glad I thought myself

save a letter that I did was that you won’t do that Brandon FL what

moving right along

a okay next question do we remind people with this had the health

you’re literally worthless now it

oh yes he’s finally that it all these questions are coming to us from real


and sending to us only get real people who are setting up the glasses

at you know what fuck it we tried and failed we have to move on he give you

the email address people wonder why these podcasts only half an hour life

because I

weekend arm mainly I can speak coherently for longer than 20 minutes at

a time

you can speak coherently at all yeah it’s not a good thing

I you can send us your emails at if I really show

at gmail dot com yes yet so many great questions

and if we don’t say if in a trance your question don’t be offended

it’s not personal we just answer the questions that we think we can

provide a humorous answer to your yeah speaking of which

here’s our next question it comes from Aria who

I really like that name here’s my problem my friend is 230 pounds

I on the other hand and very pretty so when we go out partying I wear revealing


and so then she thinks it’s okay for her to do the same

I want to tell her she’s embarrassing herself but I don’t know how

how do I tell her that the clothes that she wears are flattering without

what are flattering without straight out telling her that she’s that

I so wanted to come out and party with me know your problem is that you’re a


I and your awesome

revealing clothing partying I you’re pretty

can we hang out can I string you along for two months and then a

be a strange from you for the rest of my life with you you know you’re not being

very fair to this growth can you imagine being a petite lady wearing

revealing clothes and you have a 230-pound

lady friend which is not you know morbidly obese but

overweight I think that might be morbidly obese

and she is wearing revealing clothing to and maybe you don’t

you’re not offended by it but you see that it’s not doing her any favors in

the social scene

rights I think well maybe

maybe the lesson here is that you should be wearing revealing clothing either

if you follow your example but I’d also I wouldn’t wanna advocate against


you know not doing them I do you gotta you do you

and let her do her if she’s okay with %uh like the negative attention she gets

then you should be to you yeah just would you say love yourself is a good

a good way to live are you asking me now stalking myself

I think the answer is No I hate myself cool I hate myself to you

but is there but is there a

gentle and friendly way to tell her that

she’s wearing to let’s say the wait was an issue is there a friendly way to tell

someone that is way too revealing a clothing

I miss the big fan if not like having you know that kinda uncomfortable

conversation when I think you can I think you can steer

her life in a different direction like if you went shopping with their you know

like you go

say hey let’s go shopping she tries on something that she doesn’t look

that in you say I really like that I would wear that out

on Friday or whatever I wouldn’t wear when I wear because it’s a small and

you’re an extra extra extra wouldn’t think anything like


the ant yeah Journal against I think we have time for one more question

who know us unanimous okay

here’s a good one I think it’s a good one you know what

I know it’s a good one it’s the best question yet this one comes from

sir see sir see so I C this is there see her name

I am a female in high school have I have to apply to colleges in the summer I

have had my mind made up for a couple years that I’m going to school for

engineering and all the schools

I’ve looked at are mainly engineering schools all the sudden

I feel like I don’t want to be an engineer anymore I thought parents and

they got mad

I know it’s too late to change my mind now and I don’t even know what I’d

rather do but I feel like this is going to be the biggest regret in my life

who Wow whole use it I guarantee no decision you make before the agent 18

will be the biggest

any right here also problems you with not too late to change your mind yeah

only see it if I if I didn’t change my mind when I wanted to do when I was 18

I I would actually be doing exactly what I am doing right now

and it would be the biggest regret if you’re left-handed is

yeah before college this is and even through college

and even slightly after college is the time you’ll ever even after that yeah

you’re allowed to change your mind do whatever you want exactly but

it’s not yet fag if you’re already feeling this is going to be the biggest

regret every life you actually

don’t wanna go to engineering school anymore or is there some other pressure

that you’re feeling that

you don’t think you’ll succeed and engineering school cuz

if that you absolutely won’t yeah you’re reading into a podcast certainly nobody

that does that is good engineering anything

you what I just this is a little mantra

say with me OK okay fucked you mom and dad

okay I I want everybody that was through the park has right now to reno

that now I’ve been in your car you riding on the subway

use in your computer at work alright just 123 with me

iPod you mom and dad

saying you if you into the abyss while you’re in a car with your mom

I what are you listening to this is amazing

who love that podcast I 28 my mother your grandmother

I think I it’s not too late to change your mind you’re young you should do

what you’re passionate about you if you don’t know what it is yet you should go

to school with the

clean slate like figure out something that you do wanna do

I promise you you’ll change your mind when you find out what that thing is

to right exactly you not gonna nobody at age 18 knew what they were going to do

and stuck with it for the rest their life

rights it’s hard to hear that you’re young because when every year

hearing something it’s always the oldest you’ve ever been as you’d like

are I don’t think when I was 18 our jobs existed

no like web series makers got its

I ever got that’s what our jobs work it says that I’m a big guy

web series makers outcry that I could TGI Friday’s

code guys question mark yeah

question mark question mark exclamation point so much like the lady before this

year saying

do whatever you want yes I think that was the best

almost always made by except for out do whatever you want less what you what

makes you a bad person then try to change

a says life is not negatively affecting anybody else yet

the maybe try engineering school then if you don’t like it

then you can change your mind or go to a school that has a good engineering


and that’s something else a that’s good to go to a school that’s just


open your options to the little bit its cool I want you had like a great

engineering school

but it also had a great others Texas cool now you wanna tell everybody we’re


okay with Yale I deal I would be al- police it you’re a liar

I and I think that’s it i think thats our half-hour for the week

that is a half hour for the week what do you how do you wanna and it

would you wanna do I don’t wanna and white

is insane another half hour here we go

yes thank you so much for continuing to listen to our podcast

sending emails and we’re reading all that tweets and Facebook posts and

everything in it it warms our hearts really does thank you guys

and i watch you want to end it with them the old the old stony Sun

yeah we like this on a lot so we’re gonna end it with tires one of my


theme songs from stony you can listen to his stuff at

Steph comedy on YouTube later everybody later



glitches do

yeah I

yes Louis is small and demanded yeah


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *