Episode 6: Tattoos (with Ricky Van Veen)

Descrpition: Our first guest! CollegeHumor co-founder (and our boss) Ricky Van Veen stops by to talk tattoos, middle names, and how to tell if you’ve found your soulmate.

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Wow I’m freaking crier’s are they

o’leary Jason Razzie yeah that actually was Jason rather like your energies


or it was skittles commercials 0f

who probably at CIA is if I are you the only advice podcast on the Internet

as Tobias on the air I’m Jake and we have a

our first ever guess today while very special guests it’s Ricky van Veen

you know it’s funny I’m for servicing the show

I was in on them by the way thank you so we don’t like them

I first time I

locked out its focus has been on for three weeks I

so I into it and I was driving it

in LA thousand turned around thank you the best part about party asses

no guess I guess has like yes you agree that you know she’s breaking up with you

same people on every pot I

and then Bay you know but I think this is good yet

advice podcast does depend on me guess I could be horrible and people still

listed in my queue

they had so feel free idea as horrible as you

those they listen to this one though the stuff

happen this I a so

the reason we had Ricky on the show I’m you’re sorta

because he’s our bosses that sucking up to her that yeah I made

I gotta this article a suggestion by like

overs but I i the first guess the email the host

had to be on the show you’re sort of like a

very logical person thank you would you say you’re the king of common sense

I covers and other you know i think thats I

if yeah I am very logical yeah

hyperlogic Hyperlite but so also fault amir is

also hyper logical I would say to a fault I

okay this is %uh is a battle between cue large

like this is a belt for the cake logic Catholic to robots in a really

passionate human

saying a I don’t know whatever the hell we’re gonna say

a I’ll the interests on by actually by Jesse Gould

right sure this is Dave Jason rather he’s over listening to this podcast for


I just eagled we should tell I think I can remember what is a

you to her Facebook page is the property price that is name into Google

just search Jesse gold J esse e

space gold the usual spelling found it

ago its Jessica love music just tickled music go

%uh yeah that’s our time thank you so much tricky effect Jessica music you

this five after a similar as it the skills that can I

it’s a completely new candy website should we get to the questions

I think yes don’t see why not he has already I’m ready

I in this one is by

a lady who will call her lucinda

great you send a real questions real people fake names

my parents despise tattoos they’d is really really hate them

and privately make fun of people with tattoos when they see them in public

my new boyfriend has a tattoo on his neck and shoulder to the lyrics have Hey

Ya by Outkast

don’t ask my parents want him to come over for dinner

said %uh covering up the tattoo with a scarf would be very difficult since the

weather is warm right now

what should I do aside for break up with the guy that got

hey I had United back how much haa

if it goes on to assume of the whole day

it just says alright alright alright alright alright from the neck that ass


shape hate yeah I would like all the Asians they start below is here in

and around as tricep I’ll what would you do

it is like a modern-day guess is coming for dinner but it’s that the person

being black is just had to

I invented a word a while ago tattoos old

and fact is though is when you hook up with someone

n you remove a piece their clothing and Co they have a tattoo

up to the minute am puzzled by that has two yeah well

that’s true yep couple and tatties I don’t know it i ke about I reset

I resent the idea that we’ve that we that reveal is on the podcast

north as it has two has maybe they’ll

but has has 2 his APM them to use of

I it’s whether hooking up with the grocery bill the giant has a lien de

Velde that the owner

the OSM I the exclamation point like

question mark are peaking over her shoulder blade alright

cell I one even as they keep on they try to think lyrics the hay as I can make

funny air

I’m yes got a bring em

bring the guy and just if the parents don’t like the tattoo

like that but they’re gonna find it at some point Nokia says

nothing lasts forever I except for those that do that

Elizabeth you could even say boyfriend Mike a maybe even

just make a joke about it have defused going to be looking at

Raso you know like if within two minutes

dinner Victor ago a mistake

comes up you back well obvious you know I

and yeah class if

but you still love that song I I like I

still has no saves that yeah I mean

shake it like a Polaroid picture that changed my life which I really bad

advice for

you’re not supposed to do that alright yes laureate metal there that I like

having to release a state our advice is to I

you know don’t shake your polaroids and with no

day with breaking up with the person be good advice

no with the business the sea it’s ugly I mean if you want to stay with him

forever she was like be with them like enough that you wanted to do said

to her parents like people are going to have to confront the tide to you

yeah but think it like zoom out a little bit do you really want to spend the rest

of your life with someone his decision making is so flooded

tattoo to popular sizes when their likes 1828 titties my butterfly text

if has to fit about a year lease had the wherewithal not to get lyrics to earth

popular so I do other is I don’t have the money

I I I tried to raise two hundred dollars like you get a masturbating

angel on my shoulder that’s true yes it’s true thank God I didn’t have any


they got kick started in the then on the Dave Matthews fired

a fire dancers thank you on my other bicep mid-year

to you is just like getting no eager to getting

jewish graveyard yeah I’ll and ironic his

graveyard had to on myself so that it can get buried in a Jewish cemetery

body on with third base break up with the guy

by both the systray to break up the guy that’s your advice yet you can’t

you can change your parents your parents hate tattoos you should not

respect a guy who would actually do this to himself at any age

and I think it’s not worth a I know your parents are gonna give you a lotta shit

if they privately make fun of people attach is in public

and just as regular tat is this just a straight bat jury

your if you’re a big hitters yeah

I don’t know how yet but I think your biggest

him I take me to the next level said you have people like that to some people

like girls that pretend to be dead I do like the people like

weird shit but I say this if you like these tattoos if you

if she’s into them if she’s not into that yessir break up with them

you know they’re not going anywhere but she like that at it she doesn’t mind she

likes him for who he is

for whatever reason I with Ricky bring the guy did enter

and and let confront it head on like had

look at this for you go through an old trick you know it’s like tell your

parents thing worse

anything that big I gotta tell you he’s got a swastika on his fork

I got my guide hey I I

not that the swastika I would prefer the slice I

LED really stands for sale yet disguises like somewhat complacent and into the

fact that you like

hey I’ll other hiya how does it start

think he got it who you think you got it but guy we can actually sing anyway

because that we had a few

we know that got money in our ID is actually charges us

a okay so one break up the boyfriend by the way you have a email yes

%uh um if I resell it you know the couple you please take a picture every

way for that to you

and oh yes that’s great we’ll post it on I told her see that she is that ok

I you guys end up getting that we did buy through the cheese here

records you are dummy are radios there right now I hope we should get the


see so you don’t recognize it still a I am i other devices to seize the cheese

of hits every other better advice that I have

right second question that was good to run the people love the

email yeah and I already did it so moving on if I were you show at gmail

dot card if you’re ever in a sticky situation he don’t know what to do you

just wanted by sees wanna be made fun of by us

please email us at fire you show at gmail dot com

they decisions have been great alright

I just started about this one is from another lady will call her

louanne would a pretty I just started a new job last week which I am extremely

qualified for

and know I’m capable of doing any task they give me

but it seems that because I’m pretty good looking they have been assuming

that I’m stupid

and have only been giving me really simple jobs and when they do give me

something more challenging

the always check up on me to see if I need any help but I

dealt I get them to stop treating me like a moron

police your you’re all birds that I

you really hot and I you hate has risen more than they attack UK

I this person sucks in my book I

she’s like I’m so hot that no one thing some smart but I i’ve brilliant

no I i think the I’ve

place a problem with the promise to quell I

we want your advice actually lady so you think she’s not very expects you to

qualify capable of driving it has a beach

I’d like holy shit your your bosses you just are

nude a new job your boss is it like he is everything going okay there anything

we can help you with like fuck you I’m a hot and

fight what it would mean I

attracted people have an advantage yeah hello

what what’s the complaint also please and prof. yourself

about 30 the chaos at 200

actually insanely i they had more than corrected

I’d also like to point out that the emails is riddled with typos

I you’re not smart I

even her email addresses miss bill and I she gots email it 2 L’s but

here with gmail I

gmail I don’t know my advice is how do I i the question is how do I get them to

stop treating you like a moron

they’re not really like a moron sounds like they’re like the if they give you


challenging the ask if you need help there too you like their on your team

also think

like if you are really high and some guys like Haiti help with that like they

might be flirting with you not right might not be

told them I just wanna like flirt and talk to you if you’re really hot like

don’t know Mike

at least that I get out as right now

I I know you’re listening live can you

she’s Christ I you’re mad yeah

we she’s heard noises like how do I get people to stop treating me like a moron

because I’m too hot that’s right Jake as a very high percentage

I you know I actually am tired of getting treated like and stupid all the


year I don’t have advice for this girl I

let’s give our office address in Lacey communicants I

or somewhere else look to me is that way to just like kinda push you and Kelly

would be thinking

ek II living on

where do we get very nice yaa I get over yourself okay

yet I this one is from a dude

will column Louis so the day was girl for five years

at have no where she breaks up with me through text message WTF

she says it’s because I’m not happy she says it’s because she wants to be a lot

she says it’s because she’s depressed

he’s done all these conflicting things I’m just one confused puppy

what should I do

move on I if when someone breaks up with you

only thing you can do is move on cuz if if you want to get them back

you’re not going to be like please run with me with attractive than just like a

pathetic deaths per person

like so move it’s such a simple answer like like there’s so many complex

emotions going on

you think he s gonna be complex but the answer is very simple

be done you always like to lose yourself in it be like none other like my

situation is different right

really really know Karen okay it’s you like it she would not want me to just

move on she lets me like really try

yeah me the truth is depressed that and this and that

evers made up it’s also she broke up with him at a with

ida on a text message after dating over 50 years

let your ingrained in the family about yeah sweet girl I’d

yep but whatever hey where is a I mean this woman is Friday up our defense that

where is a

Lucy she out what she texted me here OS is it gonna make you know it will she

text me earlier and I were done so

my what evening how’s she doing let me say this text is it along to how long

was the text

what is a text you said you like them email cuz you know like I need like they

all love this like we have a conversation per sec

may get all this off my chest right now text is like

let you know how you’re not happy we are done like a snapchat

like I W what any wealth know how I did it outperform miles up the road is that


I would love to know that happened being down vs that check make money as they

have to read it so quickly doesn’t disappear forever

yeah yes a five-second like there’s no evidence other if it ever happened

sweetie should break up with me I don’t

by the time this picture disappears I too will be gone I

so you even if someone even if someone’s going crazy like wants to break up with


but you’re not sure if you want to make aliyah maybe this press as I worth

keeping around

anyway yet I’m with Ricky

cold turkey you’re done move on it so easily a when you’re not in a

relationship for five years though

rate yet which is why we’re doing that which is why we have 25 I

your situation so it’s easy for me to give advice and ridicule you

okay let’s give him that the email address up the hot overqualified

I can go out on a date with that the hay out that two guys

take a picture and Senate of yeah if I resale

Gmail backup love to just take all the guys out to dinner um

do you know anybody who’s been in a relationship they broke up

got back together worked out by

yes so you’re saying there is some hope for a break up get back together yeah

but it’s not done by groveling yet and is also

through its always its always going to be weird like if they get back together

like a

happy we’re together but I A you easy does it

tax I year ago you’re all like you didn’t want to be with me forever it

seems like she’s too unstable to

like if she can break up with him over taxes like that stage yet

there’s no more affect the way getting someone else getting someone back

and dating someone else and not talking that person lol

if you really wanna back it you really wanna back go date somebody else

that that that’s the depraved device but I have that’ll get her

so you pretty saying I it’s possible to get back together after breaking up it’s

not going to happen for you

your under your current situation now you’re done

you done did so so far we broke into relationships up in the matter

eight minutes that’s not bad these will be there for eight years and even though

the an attractive girl that she was a

I I should quit after this podcast the

we are recording live from an ivory tower

I’m blood to now you’re not you’re perfect give a podcast for crying out


have a butterfly tattoo iTunes rated podcast

you also have it I i touch over tribal Sun hearing make them on

I would you get a tattoo now or would you like I learned my lesson nothing I

get now will be cool in 10 years I think about getting tattoo now too late just

cover this up because I even though it’s actually cooler ten years it’ll at least

be like relevant to my life

now is all it’ll keep a simple yeah I mean like

right now if some I like in talking to a girl the barn like

can legally buy you a drink I put my head out like my car like oh what’s this

butterfly tattoo

the conversation started no it’s not like not a conversation ender

it is a conversation starter but it’s like head I have to talk about something

that makes you uncomfortable for like

a full minute right no I don’t want some

on what age did you get the tattoo I got stuck to it as a team

and what days do you regret it when I was twenty you

maybe my boobs New York when I was 21 first of three years attack

three years there was good lovin it and let you know it

it worked I made it work in high school and college like it was cool

and how I think I could get I think yelling sleeve tattoos walk around

Brooklyn to be like

hip issue I got back at school right for me obviously

that is never go out of style we’ll see up and I’ll try it

I would at least here I is gonna be a big epidemic

people like this whole generation that is going to act is now

will be old sometime right and you know trance dance will go to grab stamps

I oh my god tied to the graph them

I words going on this Wow loose

so ramstad I you’re skipping the dad staff

goes straight to the second generation ambery I became using like see

a pool at a retirement community like four years from now yeah and it does

have sleeves

sleeve tattoo go to remember this song I

no ya I I remember my girlfriend’s dad berated me for an hour have

restaurant we’ll see a clear out I wish you would have broken up with me

a good times in alright next question

real question fake name will go with

Larry now because the lady about Larry Lari

Lori yes modern 103rd

this industry from Laura Duron police in her purse 11 growth

I Laura Turner eighth

when I was younger my sister and I we talk about naming our children after

each other

well now going to have a baby in December and she’s constantly asking

what I plan to name the baby

I hate to break your heart but there are so many other baby name options and i

cant decide whether to stick to original plan of naming the baby after my sis

or choosing a new updated and modern. name if you were me

what would you do was this is the mister true I

we were modern yet there are so many more options yes there are so many more

of a little early every day

except one I I think turn sisters with

the sisters durning yeah was gonna be that works with Aaron

so well added the considered as nice

how do you promise to name your baby after it’s your sister that’s weird

I think this is why these promises where your in 7th Grade you said you like your

best girlfriend like if we’re not married by

225 were married each other and then it’s like and about 100

likes what I like you know that the Prime you like you need a TV getting


I actually had this weird packed with my friend began to get married I have a


with middle name who a see this lie on the seller

I just pray that we not helpful cuz we usually have to let you know stretch

things out

I exercises like sniping like perfected by

like what I can follow that it is that’s right that yes

real name for their first name bury that

lead ferry that lame name as a middle name

because that’s what people do everybody’s middle name is weaker than

the first and the sister just like

insists on calling 5 middle name IQ you go by the middle management

yeah if they have a cooler middle name yet but what is the deal middle names


they that you hide the worst am in the middle name no I think it’s cuz like

when your debut

you’re supposed to like be named after like you know there’s like a lot of

people that played one

the honored the kid being named after them I have three

three nades yet the middle name right now have two middle names but I’d like

to take a pain Cooper

herwitz right so there’s like I got something for my mom size my dad’s a

to people for my dad side they just crammed alaskans like Jacob and then I

don’t know

popery Lithuania like Cooper I

I think we’d like we never figure out what the rules are for middle names

your NPR who cares yeah it’s the weirdest

brits how fuck this league blogging my my I feel like I’m hi

I name Raphael is

and I think about that maybe once every three years I

on the dot iraqi Rafael van yeah

or Gaby dual you which Raphael

oh my god r2 d2 that’s the coolest thing I’ve ever heard

yeah or the worst and yours is a mere snow it’s not anything

I’m thing i buy the MacBook and programs like that do well

I think choose that that’s the difference


very funny if you got the 20 middle name I never happens like the cat that people

to get communion or something

when they like thirteen you to choose in you’re like Catholic name really

on on jewish I know I am Alive

if show like Wikipedia show without Wikipedia we just

guessing and that we have a furious I can always be run out of hot guys when I

just like they fax a pic I know

just like their ged thousand people is going to hear it and some people are

gonna take it for you

like at face value they’re like mentioned it to their friendly oh you

get to choose a name

communities like but I think I’m gonna convert I want to change my name

my little some losers that it on a podcast

and I just I think it is a fact

middle name was great that’s that’s a bulls-eye answer bull’s eye

snipe r2 d2 nailed it

for the epic win

let’s keep moving right along Jillian a.m. alright

this one is from a dude named

leviathan love hi said yeah its combat

bakula well as many as 11 a

school level via the 11th then leventhal

title the email was seized the cheese CRT right after that it’s catching on

guys ashtec sees the cheese because I’d

I think you can get a trending in subs or a city result was a large sweatshirts


FB tear away pants see the cheese on the ad

clear a Packard cheesehead he said you gotta see that

the only one who eats the you have to see I this cheese

is to sure that we only make a 100 I like you can

whenever you see it in the wild you’re allowed to grab it person has to David

it’s an international game of tag so dope actually

I really am hi if I got a weird little things really blowing my mind

yeah well I did see an attack mescaline candy bar before restarting

holy shit that’s what that was right life ins question

I don’t usually date girls I generally just have one night stands & Friends

with Benefits relationships

however girls always ask me to date even though an asshole

my question is how do I tell a girl I’m scared of getting into a relationship

and I don’t know why

without hurting her are making it sound like the whole like

the whole it’s not me it’s you routine I i mean to say

why would we even attempt and as we have taken with I

if you like an idea sick actually wrote this question I

others like this I could have a question is then just like sent from my brain and


I so would you say all this is true for you don’t usually take

the girls yet one-night stands your friends with benefits and you don’t want

it tell

you want to tell girls that you want to date them and not just make them on a

date you

her know I guess yes um

you know a little bit for food %uh

so so my advice is you can just do what I do which is just sort of like

fade away stop talking to people and strange everybody and everyone is like

%uh like that it was cool for a little bit yeah

like we start talking I you must have been busy

your efforts Calif a dick on purpose ever stop liking you

no I’m never ever mean like the meat as they get is like

I won’t respond to a text for two days and then I responded really sorry I’ve

been super busy but ANC

your problems your prom out says the opposite you’re so nice to people that

they like oh maybe he does still want a relationship that is like

yeah I’m totally into it let’s have an adventure let’s go crazy schedule makes

me a monster like I don’t know how to be

I can be actually means I’m I can be like outwardly me

sorry I would be nice but I’m actually right and you find that makes girls

even more into you than previously I don’t know

I and my experience I think I I

dating girls are like mature enough to be like he’s childish and he’s an


so I don’t think like girls alike oh man I really want this guy is super nice is

just the luv

right there like oh this guy’s probably hooking up with other people and I don’t

want to be with him

which is true yeah I with it to you after the sale at work for you left

I they often say like a I wish that like I wished

like this if girls into your like and she says

I want to be with you you like steer your phone like no you don’t you don’t

want to be right you’re wrong

you’re like you think you want to do with me but you couldn’t be more mistake

yeah he’s I suck I’m gonna hurt you

I like I like you like no no don’t know I

you’ve you fucked you RTN

intramural whatever goes like I like you I had the it like that should be nice

but in my head I like on No

I tricked ur yet I’ve duped if I

fell for my see it and now I don’t like you because you’re gullible

I I would never belong to a girl that would have me as a member

I like God what do you guys like and pay something on

I’m like sweating right now you both like he committed really added to the

state in a gate opener yeah

years to be you in a relationship like that just means I’ll let me

year wide being in a relationship better than had a one-night stands and being

and fucking whoever you want

we are actually at I well I mean its role the obvious reasons without being

too corny I mean you go home and you either have a one night stand your

completed by yourself

right we had to go home hang out with someone have fun have an amazing time

you have a partner in life

you share stuff with them how does that sound or later life in Jeff Rosenberg

I better let you see people like 0 my friends just had kids my friends are

starting a family that looks amazingly

to create a child to be with someone who doesn’t have this project that you have

to raise a kid with somebody

you think that sample that could be cool to

you love being an uncle you love seeing friends with kids and saying like

I’ll dislike this is i really genuinely feel like I’m getting advice

yeah I think ever meet somebody you like

your you feel like you can ask him a question

you can’t wait to hear the answer and be with that person well that’s cool

say that again because I have hours picking my nose week

a good cast like where you had said into the microphone a test whether you should

be with someone is a few

ask them a question like for advice you can’t wait to hear what the what they’re

gonna say

but a lot of people think that about me Jake yeah but

the podcast I

yes it I love that advice that’s another like van Veen snipe r2 d2 yet

%uh ass on a question you can with you like what that

my problem is that I feel like that every single day about a million

different people

like I I’m never said anything I don’t mean when I tell somebody I like them

when it was when I love them a little something like want that wet fuck admit

it but I don’t mean it for very long with preventing you from

engaging I’d cuz be committed for being gay because there’s somebody else I

could do that with that like that like big moment like you would like to hear

what you have to say

yeah Aten a TD for people yeah people ATT

well you’re saying the bed have I think for Jake and for a lot of people

probably the best part of the relationship is the first

week-and-a-half yeah so why a stay with someone for longer than that when you

can just get that first week a half over and over and over

you know it it is like We R Who We talked about this before we compared

dieting it’s like it’s great you have that we can have but like

the longevity over like over a course that many years it’s like

oh I’ve you know feel bad shallow and you writing

and then but dieting even though it’s like not it’s like doesn’t have like

immediate benefits like

looking your life like I generally feel better right

said I’m enjoy my life more I’m eating a salad now excuse me less gratification

and eating a cheeseburger

but the flip side it is I’m gonna feel healthier

in the long run in little longer life let’s talk a lot about salads persist

I can of food were starving hey that’s only

a call then are emailed in the other days like four to five titles or five

guys are food

I remember that quote I’m for Mad Men PCs is back with that girl I like the

beginnings of death

I am yeah so good I always got that attitude over my body I

so perfect like the woman leaves donners just like you like beginning things and

it’s like

well yes that’s a lot of people right that’s definitely that like really slow

to me and also

like two weeks ago um that he said exactly what was that like

she doesn’t know that loving you is the worst way to be close to you yeah

like yes on cells like knockout like death

me and it’s like a good show people are very like lotto ladies

usually like give don these one-line zingers that really reveal a lot about

himself and is obviously

taken aback sick huh yeah I guess that’s true anyway I’m gonna go fuck a stranger


right me that’s a problem you have %uh this like this

this seemingly like good thing like oh I it’s easy for me to have sex but then

it’s like

kinda occurs because it’s too easy you can have sex too much like

sorta don’t want to stop doing it right it’s like when you can eat cheeseburgers

your metabolism is so fast why stop eating cheeseburgers

got its not like that she’s good you got it is the cheeseburger it sees bigger

the cheeseburger

there’s bacon butties rewrite a what work a

is is there anything to if you’re in your twenties this type life is fine and

then what’s the older you get the satyr becomes ours

equally got any like yeah pretty true if you desire for me

on a per cent you’re not you’re what 28 27

okay my crazy so wanted to become said I think it’s it’s just

just now I today June

10 just 2013 to coincide with the 100th he remembers his middle name

I everything here because that guy in it New York

like in your late 20’s early 30’s I its

the a I think that’s good what’s considered like the prime

being like be able to go out and you you know people you have little money and

you know I think it’s

I think your final answer freaking out 27 cool

I crap ever did fake God

over other 33rd birthday everywhere not changing at all ladies

I email the show I’ll forrest sawyer

how’d you like the kids a monster I

at the tag right to monsters inc. 2 City

I that was a that’s our time that took us over the limit

dragon applied yes yeah I

nothing you want 100 outcall become a movie yeah I

is on-demand everywhere it’s like Peters July 9 stars Ben Schwartz

who you as I say no you guys on our audience probably knows him

going out in Steve little aging 25 lights Josh Groban

Johnson gonna be real star castle I ninth down Murray

you enjoy it how are they and how they find it it’s on everywhere

every cable system any website you go K will have it

I x-box Amazon iTunes

you know 100 say yes you do it’s a funny movie sees the cheese and Dalit you get

these the txt file

not be downloading with cheese the cheese meat stealing your parents credit

as a line I

July 9th July 9th calmed down thanks so much rikki for being our first guest

ride me up his comeback any time like we need

L’Oreal advises like nights that yes the that middle name

the middle name killed it the the 19 advice about like when you know if you

like a girl

yet holy shit to have a promotion

I more than anything else that lever raising a promotion ask you on the air

but %um

I I really feel I deserve it Ricky says

know right away with the same /url he that he said let out

I I alright let’s stuff play another

we’re still receiving intro slash out through music

you guys are submitting your theme song suggestions

same email if I were you show a gmail dot com musician summit

first or suggest the golden this last one is from someone named Chris

a who cause insult I mention buckets all use that to place out

thanks so much for letting everyone if I ratio gmail dot com and the shows a


show well bulk of it that fight back

effect listen to these people listen to work

yeah listened about children easy

situation that’s fine

this is my mind

if I we

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