Episode 68: Hemorrhoids


In this episode we discuss boobs, watches, and anal discomfort.

This episode is brought to you by LegalZoom: Online legal services, made easy! Check out LegalZoom.com and use either coupon code “Jake” or “Amir” for a discount.

a Jake you know a month that is I

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for this episode an

how would you feel best describe

the way things got yeah I do

they were they were actual

they are genuine okay there were

they were they were quite they were
actually a bit gear

what’s up with that just a dis area

there are real Cakery let’s get started

was gonna ask for possible for you to
talk about feelings

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doing tricks for gumbo here to feel like
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in nineteen done

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just a thought like to go on a first

date was a private placement about the
film actor that pressure to keep it up

with a break today

sprint photo of a pin Oak Grove over 16
months later global mamas late in the

luxury of literally

this release was pretty messed up early
but estado Crennel

is about how can I ask for help to
better myself what the hell

what OJ same time on this bus but just
but Caleb

be able to remain with pocket an angel
is about anybody AG I D

the mail that haha that they can make it
home to get through this tough job

guided much fun to make for the
situation up but sometimes so come

Friday June I get that help

gonna help me out now that I’ve said
this e-mail

cast bill answer to be a retard King

fix not Wadia parking to be apart job
told AAP I

letters good-natured supersonic speeds

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a a parity them in a trap God

yeah get into it if you weren’t
impressed by that you should listen to

the actual song rap got yeah a little is
again he realizes Dubai can kill Dave if

you can imagine rap got even better than
that parity

but not by much not by a lot because
this one actually I might like this one

better because without me

yeah and things that are not mere better
yeah yeah I enjoy this version get its

me to do is be

yeah I’d like that when my friend of
mine right the attacks residue think

that’s better than any novel ever

yeah that text messages about me yeah a

I like it when things army related the

an M&M is so good that I overlook the
fact that his Lee

like the actual lyrics themselves are
like homophobic and Dom

and rolled and weird references the
monica lewinsky still

yeah he that still dogs that monica
lewinsky and

I like is sitting shit talking NSYNC

with their so far broken up he just it’s
always been present how little he gives

these like

I’m gonna do it so well that like I can
say things that like

are like Gary tired like things that are
considered no longer cool but lay

it doesn’t matter because its it said in
the surgeon Impreza where that I’m still


yellow Marshall you’re so hateful but
you said itself bad a

when lyrics are coming at me at
supersonic speeds I couldn’t help but

it barely understand how impressive it
was calling people the F word

yeah is fine for you at me cuz the way
you did it was

bass says he did it quickly into a B I

if you’re if you don’t have time to
listen to the entire app godson cuz it’s

like six minutes

really impressive but there’s this one
Barnsley to our podcast wickets

guy I was a forty minute to this podcast
but I’ll grab God six minutes

I got places to be badass has

the there’s this one part where he

wraps insanely quickly and clearly

I think what is it like a 130 words and
16 seconds

yeah 153rd something insane like I went
down a rabbit hole over

I just searched bass part rather fast
fire trap God

and then there’s like Eminem’s version
then there’s like

this it’s like white teenage girl doing
it very impressively well

young a Jewish looking dude doing it
well then there’s a

video called teaching you how to do it
where they start it’s really slow and

build up

I may or may not have done that for a
good half hour yesterday before we get

you showed me your

yeah pretty good youth their path X did
I read it

I read it vastly yeah and I can you make
funny how does not directly I was like


you my friend is dope event is so

fucking good that you reading on the

a it impressed with some is the most
impressive thing I’ve ever done jail

yeah IRA itself what is this show

Avars this this pod got I’ll blow Eminem
for the pretend that we forgot to

mention this guy’s name that wrote it
Adam flanagan

sir yeah yeah Adam planning and yeah
actually a cooler name than Marshall

Mathers yeah

Marshall mister matters I but Marshall

Bowl just getting man aka a he does it

the shows got the fire you with advice
podcast it’s the only advice podcast on

the Internet

hosted by us yeah al Amir I’m Jake

I almost got that part is we have
recorded in like over a week

it’s been a while yeah almost forgot we
had a podcast a hug really

yeah yeah I came home and you just had
all these mic setup I think what the

fuck are you doing and I was like we
have to record a podcast I was like not

now I’m drunk yeah

and its two in the afternoon raise its
90 degrees in los angeles were hot

this got this brew is so fucking night I

we almost deserve it II

it’s good to be here a really nice out
it’s good here

nice its nice and its lifeline it’s fun
to be warm and comfortable and makes me


it gives me the happy feeling on solar
power yet I

my serotonin is linked to the

Earth’s closest star that the how is
that good

but the way it works is people email us
at a fiery show a gene other common

they’re asking us for advice and we do
our best to offer it

let is that

I think that’s it let’s get started


a share at a time no yeah we blue M&M

close the 41 minutes we had a perfect
game going assented Selection Sunday we

thought we’d give these real

emails for real people fake names to
preserve their anonymity

but and the theme would be a number one
seed in the tourney meant

so this first email comes from someone a
British dude

will call University of Florida alright

the University of yeah the Gators right

dear guys about a year ago my friend was
fooling around with a girl

sending nudes back and forth he sighed
as a little bit a fun and it up showing

me the pictures affair

after about a month or so they became
official and he brought up the fact that

I had seen his girlfriend’s boobs

he told me fair is fair and that he
should get to see my girlfriend’s boobs


we ended up working out a deal where he
can see a new dove my girlfriend if he

was with his girl for as long as I had
been my

with my girl which was about four years
at the time

I thought nothing of it as he had never
really had a serious relationship to


fast forward to the present and they’re
still going strong

my question is when the time rolls
around do I honor the deal

I think I grover would appreciate me
showing up for nudes but

a deal is a deal isn’t it love the show

University of Florida so

you want to do the math a little bit
yeah so he was within our also worked

for four years a year ago

they’ve been together now for a year so
he has about three years left to go

before yes the show his girlfriend his

his friend his girlfriend’s boobs at
that point they may or may not even be


right but shitty honor this deal I guess
it interesting

it’s an interesting thing to do
pontificate on yeah but I don’t think

the is that went on in any

dire there’s no urgency yeah he’s got
like four years

but it is an issue it is I guess it and
its deets on the deep back-burner

yeah but it is on the burner called as
deep deep back-burner

DDB on with you

show your friend your girlfriend’s boobs

course not I would never have agreed to
the deal team but what if you did agree

to the deal

I get more important falling through the
dealer not showing your friend your

girlfriend’s boobs

I think people are always growing
evolving and changing so I often do feel

that it’s fine to call of a deal

he’ll run a sub-group or like any you
know like you like oh I promise there

will be this way forever in their

like your oh wait I change my mind I’ve
reneged so yet this is a new version of


yeah says the old version to me was
wrong see you get your he say it’s

it’s more honorable to reno eg then to
not show your girlfriends boobies I

think keep you

you just have to choose your loyal to
your girl friend or your friend if you

love your girlfriend and you don’t want
your friend to see your nipples

then I think you could be like hey you
know what that was your call that you

showed me that hook up boobs that you

lookin at you don’t have to do that
there was I didn’t know there was a deal

going into it I don’t know why I agreed
to a deal

yeah he already seen the booze why was
he agreed to the deal there’s nothing in

it it’s nothing in a form anymore it’s
art show me your girlfriend moves I’ll

show you mine

if you had a girlfriend I had a
girlfriend would use it would you do boo


Anna I don’t think so

could I would feel bad if my girlfriend
found out right

but you never find out how to find out I
guess if she were you promise me she

would never find out how to sheer
curiosity I would do that deal

wow but I would do a lot of stuff better
sheer curiosity that I don’t do for fear

people finding out

so you’d be it but you would be afraid
that you find out you’d say now

it’s like why on earth would I tell like
I don’t know how come out

if you come out and its it how in a
drunken thing like

hell yeah I told my girlfriend that you
saw her boobs she liked it

00 by the way amir’s girlfriend we did
the same thing to you

why I my guy I hate you on my gallery
guy like that are

a robot by oh my God by

in cash I you know as I get closer I

back atcha back I there’s a socket

all that I ira there is coming at you at
your side asked

ya the cell

will I renege I would say this this

a offer is your official to me

your arena examine it said it’s
degrading to my girlfriend whom I love

and news flash I was already flash

I thought I agree operate this you get
nothing luv u Luther

good day I said good day sir

I to go porno willy wonka I I would you
have again showing me your girlfriend’s


I am I guess I mean I’d

personnel its it’s over by like that

that’s thats it’s a violation of her
truck right so you feel bad for her nod

blood for her like are nobody can see
these bills but me I just like I would

like the thought of you sitting in the
bathroom jerking off thinking about my

girlfriend’s tits

I’m not gonna sit in the back there and
do it I could do it in at night or in

the shower

by the way I can picture what do people
well we should I’m doing right now

I John cheating on me

him grabbing my aunt it going let me
jerk yet

and a pic Jerry Dyer I get better

at the Dove body like scene from a movie

by the way I’m gonna go to my room right
now picture your girlfriend injure Cup

you better not dude as not me

look at my recognize I can see show

serialized I considered it over your
eyes teared

employers eyelids open use you but need
tear them apart we are the only

emergency room it’s all

like in your imagination you can do
anything yeah I can photoshop it yeah

you go to the battle you can go to bed
have a dream about my girlfriend’s tits


like quit I

if I it if you add a wet dream about my

at the times teddy’s would you tell me

I am or is that something is that a
secret one her now

definitely did tell me that I would I’ll
is extreme about your girlfriend I would

you tell me to tell you I would be like
oh my god I can’t obviously I’m at right

is funny

sure wouldn’t you I

I think I would smile like really %uh

I’ll kill you I that lets me turning to

there and you just just just took it you

you sleep slut you jury mojo or

sure Jake dreamed about it he’s appeared
I get really bad at that

but for their your fucking dream legs
are it is open to him george et

oh no you don’t get it man ex-girlfriend
gonna be called george et

really to yet that night george et
that’s cool and I miss a

meet george et a

are meet george et Sun like I’m calling
you son

old me to a Jets on yeah she has a

daughter Judy E

your name is he then wavelet it that
other daughter dude

if your name is he here after the
daughter June EU

G that this long sucks his boy Elroy
which is

pig latin were rail rail yeah

I ellroy is the role a Legia

a text book let’s go back all the way
back to the question

well why I because we didn’t quite
answer it

me that’s fine okay just getting what
you would say you would renege

ID renege like you will but you don’t
have to do it

yet stream or years he’s probably I
could do this go for three fucking years

or you might not be would you be more
willing to show me an ex-girlfriend


on I don’t know cuz I mean like my ex’s
might listen to the podcast but style

I today of course not like I don’t even
have those photos yeah

now I’m just not again yeah I

card lines ever more than three external
hard drives just

terabytes and terabytes love my
ex-girlfriend terror biting me I guess

it’s just weird that I would I feel like

there’s not I wouldn’t necessarily be

that there’s anything wrong with it you
have kind innocent yeah

if they compose the an online for
everyone if so I had my phone there is a

picture you’re like i really wanna see

I feel like I would be like I’m not
gonna show you because it a violation

ever trust a day

not gonna show you could you’re being
weird about it by your ask

it you’re just telling me likely let me
see it like no

this it connotes a a long history of a

the feeling you know like I wanted to
see your kid the entire time we were

together now you’re not pleased you have
nudes that has nothing to do with quote


violating your trust maybe not get into
it you know

did amid like the subconscious that my
brain I would also if I really not delay

I would be too fearful love my
girlfriend finding out

I or ex-girlfriend finding out not worth
it you’ve already seen the boobies

that you wanna see you got nothin a no
reason left to give anything else up

I guess Eva you’ve won you win congrats

you you retained boobs you in the game
fair and not square

it because you’re not square i right

Sharia switch it up try to try to answer
another quest

another let’s do it am

in another one see it it’s tough because
they’re noun sing the brackets right now

as the record

so I only had what’s you gonna be the no

I’m sorry man are they not a better than

had actually done now I don’t know how
good you can stay in this year but

they’re definitely not a once and that
they’re the biggest smiles

at the Abbey the lost to Louisville aka

but that’s okay it’s fine I a Wichita
State there’s another one

great I would %uh states rights am

hey dudes for my upcoming 18th birthday
my gramma said she’s giving me my

deceased grandpa’s Rolex watch

I like watches myself but I’m afraid if
I wear it people will think I’m a douche

what should I do thanks which dust taken

you are a bit to tell I and it’s not a

which is their mascot nice to hear that
you are one how old is a 16


price $70 for my upcoming 18th birthday
okay so here’s what you need you

here’s a lesson you should have learned
already never be mean to your grandma

yeah you’d never are ever ever mean to

okay well united in asking about being
made to Grammy has the is it

what how one little I mean he can accept
a lot because you have to wear it now

that the way really don’t have that you
said to be grateful for the gift

wear it on special occasions nobody’s
gonna think you’re a douche for wearing

a Rolex

I will watch visitors it’s really cool
that its duty

its idea if I were Rolex you would laugh
in a UN if you went to like Rodeo Drive

in your bed like a couple thousand
dollars on the role as I yeah

for a huge ass while I would have no
problem with using you relentlessly

but like if you’re if your grandmother
gave you your dead grandfather’s

watch that the likes much smuggled in
her ass a lot of

and concentration camp for something the
i mean that the only way to get a Rolex

now today

yeah as smuggling at a concentration
camp let’s look at the evidence like

number one that kinda cool with a
vintage Rolex I am pretty tight yeah

and like to have this a story that’s
it’s like a it it’s the perfect

excuse to wear oleg yeah because you
have a valid reason to

it is kinda digital era like maybe but
not if you like it’s my dead grandmother

grandfather’s my grandma gave it to me
then it’s like wow that’s a cool story

yeah but people don’t know that you’re
gonna go out and about where Rolex

people just assume that you spent money
on it

well people will just assume you’re
wearing a watch if they get a closer

look there probably ask well that’s a

it’s not a question what do you wanna
know yachts my dad grandfather’s

that’s how it’s gonna go down I think if
you’re wearing a watch them is like all


and then honest Elise like is this a is
this a timex or rollers are just like

you’re wearing a watch it just looks
like a watch

yeah and then you had a look at the face
to be like this is a Rolex and then

become mentally well as a Rolex like
know yet some

actually its course alright him my

got us all yeah letter to my grandmother
and down

I generated to life came and picked till
I was ready for the watch the rivers and

has a a cool stories were your
grandmother dies

why is that cool you might consider at
all that you said that cool story at the

cool way to get to share them but I’m
not a Rolex looking at it closely this


I wrote back as the whole ex I thorough

its managers Cup how dare you sir the

see you I just wear it on special
occasions yeah I don’t think anybody

wears a Rolex like every school maybe
some deal but

maybe rap Smith’s do yeah maybe Marshall
showed up

Co pressure than wet paint I I being

that I like I have something to wear
watch from where a suit gonna wedding

that’s kinda nice occasion wear a watch

I gave you a Rolex would you wear it as
a video regulatory

yeah cause Rolex yeah I I think

wallets it would depend you know like he
gave me a Rolex

headache why did you spend so much money
on me I’d be upset

about that it’s your birthday have a lot
of money I wanted to give you something

nice a good place

I don’t wanna I I don’t like Mondays he
has such a good gold piece

i’d wouldn’t enjoy it I would do little
a sad for you

but if you like I really is giving his
pieces were like handed down handed down

handed down and then like it came to you
and you didn’t necessarily want it but

you thought I was like my taste my style

you’re like this is sorta like but a
retro charming

been to yeah like a slacker you relax
yet brushed metal

right and like with the with the cool
leather bear

yeah leather band brought black brushed
metal what else would you want to relax

I don’t wait you’re writing lay down and
you can stop ivory face

pure and her on design your own custom
Rolex Dakar up

who bought that shitty URL her

I I would not I would I would

seller relax knowing I would sell the

I’m on cash for that you for a lot so

lol money to have fucking cash do

I loved just holding you dachshund green

pay to have that role hash in me

Abia in EU I’m shoving the money in my

God that I I who’d

my grandfather left me there’s water
cash legacy a

had it in his ass for a while I agree
about the dash

thats it was the depression nobody chose
the bank’s

bumper else is the the most to put it oh
you drooled

say just drooled I was funny lol gradual

I was drinking water and a grilled some
that out and the verge ruled

like you’re just sitting reading are
sitting watching TV in your drawer of


it’s so embarrassing I its it civil

it’s those youngest you can be you can
even keeps alive when you’re out there

so dull

shit I was drawn looking at food overs
in San

leaves straight up straight-out
mouth-watering food as they

are all like God I really wanted i’ve

bank you all have the steak and

to answer these guys question I think so
that we say where and

rare occasions those can be funny toad

go to the diner to tote tote tote tote

20 dot dot dot Da button

a alright third question

third-team Arizona

arizona writes hey guys I’ve been dating
this girl for a few weeks

and I really like ur however recently
she’s been trying to get me to do

anal stuff when we hook up she says that
it will be really intense and

pleasurable because I’ve the male
prostate and all

and I know that that’s true for most
people but not for me why

because I have a really bad hemorrhoids

any light touching down there causes me
intense pain

I’ve avoided at the last few times by
saying I wasn’t really in the mood for

that but she keeps suggesting it

I was considering lying and saying that
I had been abused as a child and anal

stuff is really dramatic triggering

but I think there may be a bad idea
should I come clean about the


or is it too gross to bring up while
we’re still in the infatuation phase of

our relationship

it seems like she’s really turned on by
anal stuff self I tell about the

hemorrhoids I’m afraid should no longer
be sexually attracted to me

any help would be greatly appreciated
thanks guys love Arizona

zona so this one seemed almost like a

I am has hemorrhoids are like such a

it seems like like hemorrhoids an anal
fissures are like the two things that

like you go to as a joke it doesn’t seem

play hey I need help lower love was to
touch my book but I got a hammer away

air like a /url you had hemorrhoid cream

price check on the hemorrhoid cream I
have a hemorrhoid cream

a but this week I got a hemorrhoid

I cannot be

I cannot be a hundred percent sure I
didn’t go to a doctor but I

ice I diagnose myself lightweight camera
with a hemroid

and its it’s in their same but I’m
trying to reclaim

this this illness this right now only
you own it as not embarrassing

here’s a question wise having
hemorrhoids a more embarrassing than

having an analyst sprained shoulder up
up blood vessel in your eye

because from what you told me earlier
you a heavyweight

involves your butthole world and because
you’re straining to our dish

help if I it here’s a little where you
get them is that because you stray do I

disable don’t know that people don’t
know that’s not the embarrassing part

so this is what I learned about him
right I always when I grew up or

basically up until last week when I
because they view you for your shoulder

rock climbing and play basketball you
know you

get ahead I i’m not right I magnin
adding that it got Alex

I getting it starting from the top

what is a hemorrhoid I we get everything
you thought you knew about Hamlet

hayrides I thought was like growths in
your asshole are some weird thing that

happened when you had anal sex or
something like that

not the case what are hemorrhoids do you

did you know before I told you basically
now so

hemorrhoids this is what I learned while
diagnosing myself when I had an itchy


but your sphincter muscle the circular
muscle that opens and closes while you


is called a specter care funny name

a sphincter says what knowledge as
malaria a throughout the sphincter there

are veins

and these vans are called hemroid serve
somebody says that they don’t have em

right there lying everyone has

the people who have the hemorrhoids in
quotes the disease have inflamed

hemorrhoids valujet that

I they get and what causes them to

yes one of the reasons is sitting down
on the toilet for too long cause undue

pressure on the veins they don’t they’re
not a hundred percent sure but these are

just the resistor oh so now you’re
pushing but just like

having too long at the shit you’re
having to honor she can cause

hemroid or anything obvious I do take
lunch it’s and it’s going to be like be

indulgent like on your phone use GSM

Islamists on and chilling and pushing
too hard is another thing

that’s why pregnant ladies when they
have when they give birth will get


hemorrhoids interesting I and
constipation and diarrhea also cause I’m

but I don’t have any other stuff so what
happens when you get a hemroid

a its this comfortable that we’re doing
weird like doctor Dru

I really we’ve never done this I’m not
yet another local deli cuz having the us

ever been like alright so here’s what
you’re dealing with a tactic called

like we’ve never ever try to be doctors
until today well there’s intense

hemorrhoids which are like

inside in cuz rectal bleeding which

I was lucky to avoid does and then
there’s external hemorrhoids

which other ones that you can feel on
the outside your butthole which cause

it basically feels like there’s a paper
cut on my anus it’s going away because

they treated it

with preparation H really bought
preparation Abra

remember at the United bathroom I at the
matter in

my bathroom it’s in your about their you
can’t do that

I but look at but I have if I have a
guest over

yeah he comes over to my house honey is
my battery and the popover

yeah I hope in the medicine cabinet has
not only medicine cabinet

good I actually it

here’s a latest call this sort of the
break I but preparation H as well as

preparation H

wipes like wet wipes that i’m suppose
still life with while I have this thing

because I’m not supposed to use dry
tissue paper cuz obviously they can hear

it it

and I came home in a look at the
ointment and there was an applicator an

attachment to the bottle

take a toothpaste bottle and then
there’s an a attachment to the top that

looks like an extra three inches

with holes in it their pre to stick up
your butthole in like squeeze the tooth

to too but to pay you know when you
squeeze enough well luckily I didn’t

have internal hemorrhoids I have to use
it so you decide after taking out the

yeah I just take a little

a dollop a bit D is the year hey I do
it’s really interesting because you how

users you look at his letter Bible

you see the inside here but you know
what I do I face away from the air

I look through my legs spread my ass
cheeks out wide

and you’ve never you really get to learn
something about yourself when you get

yourself but your own

anal little legs and I don’t be
interested can I apply separate I

love the her to apply the ointment to
the Roy

yeah yeah I’d actually like the I like
to get my hands in the air

sir well permission it to Roy’s you let
your anus

a and the size preparation H onto your
sphincter in your implant hemorrhoid

plan a

granted I love you bro love for you to
view it during the commercial I

is no commercial the going to add OVR

a yeah I will typically recorded mad
after yeah show how lott a solo record

in the ad for the subs are the people
have already listened to.

that we have yet to record you want to
spread my ass cheeks open

and apply lol is to my royally backwards

this is absurd time or the well this is
all to say that

I’m just trying to destabilize by

maybe now that you guys know the truth
about it it won’t be a silly and weird

and stupid when somebody explains the
that they have been right in fact

it’s still will let me be will be silly
yeah I go upside down spread I buttoned

and apply the cream on tonight’s painter
but only a little it is

I it’s not just the silly little disease

yeah I think I used to think that it was
a growth if something that wasn’t

supposed to be there I was like a war TL
award interesting to know that it’s a an

inflamed gland

another clan inflamed named an inflamed
you have made it looks like a kidney


underneath your sphincter muscle does it

how it are look gross yes sure looks

I mean an asshole already looks gross
Italian lol you

might not ours ours are hairy yeah are
hairy in bad

ours about and then it lb you can’t do a
google image search you can see what I

am right looks like rather not okay

but sell my digits Google chronic
hemorrhoids when you’re reading that

question has try to see like

I tried like figure out my advice for
this guy so now I have that

search history for ever yeah I did I’m
doing a lot of private browsing this


a lotta internal search I actually like
this I

so well Lucas says he is really bad
hemroids mAbs something that’s

worse than this one of thing that I had
a baby is as internal

the ACA’s yeah I would I’ve from what
I’ve known like am rights go away like

they come in a girl

like a like a popped blood vessel I got
anything on chronic am right like

recurring so but maybe I don’t know i’d
that was like

32nd to the search that we actually know
slut say he can’t get ready that the

question is should he

say sorry I going to do this cuz I have

or should he say make a birdie for an
excuse it so I don’t do this cuz I was


yes ike that so that so bad hemorrhoids
are in society that people would rather

say that they were raped

I yeah I mean if you’re is like I do
wanna freak or out they have hemorrhoids

of the teller I was molested

yeah it’s gonna everyone that’s gonna
but that’s gonna bother her more

I guarantee it that she then it’s like a
horrifying thing that happens somebody

she is infatuated with yeah

a I’ve I say I’d also

submit that she’s trying to she was like
finger your butt is it something the

is it necessarily something europe were
if you don’t have hemorrhoids if you had

a healthy anus like if I had helped the
anus or by

since I have a healthy yeah obviously I
Ikki hello they have left

at and sand like I don’t necessarily
want somebody’s

finger up my butt weather at hemorrhoids
or not I think I would feel comfortable

being like

I appreciate that you think that’s hot I

I don’t appreciate the offer I thought
that this is what I wanted

rather be a starving hemorrhoid I own

sexy to getting anal fucked so


to what should he do I think

maybe she can i maybe she can do it
you’re joking about and as she can

apply the ointment that late but plan
also helping you out

that’s hot for her hot for you suddenly
she’s a three inches deep with that

applicator addition

our shit sorta pumping you full the
vessel even though you relied

it just jumping honoured to beloved s it
in and

filling you up like a puff pastry I
think if you’re in the evacuation pays

there’s likes others no wrong that you
can do miss you might think that the

hemorrhoids are cuter like that

it depends on how you broach the subject
like look I am

an Outback growth site cool

rather I I think you can I

I think it’s just a matter of like you
should feel comfortable enough to be

like I don’t wanna do anal stuff

you should also feel comfortable enough
to be like look I have hemorrhoids

its I know it sounds crazy but that’s
what they are there not as bad as they

sound yeah

actually people listen to this podcast
is due to mir’s pretty chill

he taught honestly very honorably and a
relatively open about his array

personally will be read also you’re
giving her job is it’s a pity that idea

if they had

air call yourself a hero if one child at
a hundred million the

takes that in relates back well it’s
great that

not only I don’t quite know the local
other line but you know I’m tryin deaths

from rap

yeah yeah water monster osha on

lows are gonna say a

applying the preparation H to his

yeah that was a that was a one
suggestion that was honorable

I wrote down good hours the those are
her like one that I did


yeah I guess I would say be as open with
her as possible

hemorrhoids do have a bad rap God

but a they a they’re not

they’re not as disgusting as other
ailments the you can have down there

it’s like an STD your open sores or
anything like that

there that’s true and like Marvin
inflammation than anything else another

option is to do is get wasted

and then she could put her finger up
your butt like could you imagine a

finger up your butt right now

would like really at all mines like
shriveling in going away but at the

height of the reuter yeah I wouldn’t
have liked it

would you like having sex I yeah because
the anus is sorta far away from the tip

my p.m.

right will more than the tip cuz it
during sex right buddy

well hit with the on No what sex
describe it

when you put the tip of your penis
against a woman’s

badge in a by or

throat act they got it has a faded know
it will have I

her book The Rock I 288 the blind
leading the blind

’em yeah do we have anything else to
talk about during a break

our shows coming up here just come in at
10 in Eltham hi guys this is it

this is a breaking story set we have a
tour coming up

that’s right not really a full tour but
three awesome cities nonetheless

that’s right we are going to Seattle

mmm Portland yeah San Fran Sher Shah

a yeah that’s it well

Seattle Portland San Francisco dear over
the dates

um I’d say April 26 the

that adds that the there’s a Thursday
show Arthur April 24 25 26

are 23rd 24th 25th its I noted as

great Seattle April 24th yeah Portland

Friday April 25th okay San Francisco

Sunday Saturday visits and that is that
it had

Sunday an able 27 that to be the week
that we stay enhance

a San Francisco oh yeah that the that’s
great yeah beautiful time a year

lovely that time a year great I I think
tickets will be made available soon

or you get a search our website or
something will announce it

more formally than that ready also show
at the University of Minnesota

yeah April 10th April 10th year go to
the University of Minnesota

if very specific very specific reference

we are going to Minneapolis the hail

good for oil and they have read this

Noel ever again the end

I yeah iraq surely a question for it up

yeah how we do it I’m a

we’re over 30 minutes great I with the

I’m gonna refresh my ESPN page to see
who the last

number one seed is Wow oh my gosh

Yukon no University of Virginia

UVA view VA Charlottesville love that
they won the ACC tournament for the

first time since 1976 the beat Duke if
you can imagine

folk Duke Duke Fu Q

alright what is UVA right UVA rights

had others is kinda interesting story I
ready yes

the right cell here’s my problem

about two weeks ago my sister and her
husband had me over for dinner

my brother-in-law was telling me how
frustrated he was because apparently my

nephew spilled coke all over is very
expensive nice new keyboard

a computer keyboard not piano what
really was bothering him was the fact

that after the kid broke the keyboard he
hit it

my bro in law i just want to see the
keyboard and assess the damage but he

thinks the kid is lying and just stole
it or gave it to a friend or something

now about a day ago my nephew approach
me in confidence when we’re alone

and he sadly told me he masturbated for
the first time

and splattered all over the keyboard he
panicked and threw it in a garbage bag

went to the park and threw down a public
garage this has been going on for two

weeks and my bro in law and sister won’t
let it go

they keep hassling the poor kid it’s
making family dinners really

uncomfortable for my little nieces and
obviously my nephew

I made up some bullshit reason about how
I have a buddy who works at Best Buy he

can hook me up with the same keyboard
for half the price I it’s not true but I

was just gonna buy it myself

but my bro and lies saying that my
nephew needs to learn a lesson

my nephew begged me not to tell I think
he was scared and just wanted to get it

off his chest

should I tell my brother-in-law tell my
sister tell them both

plus the kid is looking to me for advice
on masturbation

I don’t know what the fuck to set him on
24 25 years old and I’m probably

addicted to porn

anyway thanks guys love UVA in our UVA

is an interesting conundrum yeah so do
you side with this kid who you open up

to you about his first masturbation

in confidence hoping to get the
dispatcher never find out

or should you get take the even higher
road and tell the parents knowing that

they won’t get that freaked out

what what might they get freaked out I
don’t think so I think they’re angry are

now than they will be when the mystery
is solved

right it sounds like I S does that he’s
angry about the kid lying

yeah know that he is about like the
actual losing at the keyboard

yeah I get that thing to do is

tell that kid that it’s not the it’s not
a big deal the masturbating

find yeah and that he should maybe

tease out the come a little um a little
less because then it would squirt

well what do you mean tease out the cum
I’m ethan has if you like

a try like to do I take the your grip on
your penis

unlike you sorta like ’em hold off
before your

you release I’ll like racks DDS words

her like when you like open a champagne
bottle he put your thumb over mostly the

opening and has to squeeze through that
little hole right really going to go for

a lot would you like hold a hose and
then let go and there’s like a rash

yeah I air right ’em so I S

yet ellen third control the squirting
yeah or you can just do it into a clot

they’re a paper towel though I’m sure
you learn that lesson

the hard way you got I mean and also I
don’t think see will really break a

computer keyboard no I think he just
freaked out is that what the fuck am I

supposed to do now I can’t clean it

up God and Scott it’s almost surely had
why would you get come at a keyword

but you can only use water you can like
dried up there’s going to be like dried


I think well I mean you immediately

unplug it wipe it down with the with the
washcloth yet and go to a park

and then but at the Apollo Duarte you
know he should do this guy should

I get one of his friends to dress up as
a park ranger knock on the door

me like sorry man is a little Johnny

I have reason to believe that this he’s
holding a garbage bag I have reason to

believe that this cum soaked keyboard
belongs to you

yeah I guess they tried to dispose a bit
in a public receptacle

and we were very turned off by it we
rummage through all the trash looking

for cum soaked keyboards retraces DNA
back to this little Johnny’s well

addressed or will he be the last

we follow the trail of come all the way
from the park down too well yeah

this front this your front door I guess
he was drizzling the whole way home

like Hansel and Gretel you let us here
with us this evening at about over the

trailer Sears

at so that’s one way

that I think I would say you tell your

she’s your blood yeah she’s up she also
she is married to this brother-in-law

yeah you know how to handle it yeah
she’s good she’s got the sensitive touch

yeah I think brother-in-law lost sight
of what’s important I think he cares

more about the story the keyboard that
is by concerns feeling that I think

that’s cool I don’t ask that gets me off

of course that doesn’t get you are
outsiders are all about what you up

about this story about everything in
terms have mastered yet the office may

be having sex in a public park as any

have any of these questions God you are
yeah I have that memorized my neon

yeah the one who wanted the yeah I know
our players don’t think I got a little

the mill yes I think about but hold the
knife not yours might think I got over

that guy’s because you know

look horrible so that was cool I like
the way that felt

yeah that was nice and hard to be on it
almost got me off

%uh here’s one thing I did mention about
hemorrhoids that I wanted to great let’s

go back statistics say that over fifty
percent of people have hemorrhoids

so I think it’s just a lot of people not
talking about over 50 percent people

that have had them had

yeah have dealt with them self on a

my just learned that out there you know
that they go if they wanna say like

00 everybody has herpes like if you ever
had a canker sore the Harrisburg

here okay look I understand that that
big said that being said

you have herpes I hey I don’t but that

ago everybody fifty percent of people
like that with everything ok cool

you have the right now I so you’re gross
your the grocery

year the growth

and actually you tryna like just to buy
downplayed make it seem normal

makes really very sleepy out I I can
actually see you sitting on it as if

you’re sitting on a bean bag chair

I I alright so you’re saying tell the

a little sister I think you go now to
play and I think you got you have a

little too much power the situation
right now because they’re coming to use

they were so mad our son and the son’s
company you saying like

I spoke to all over the keyboard yeah I
splurged yeah I did you get you got is

be like look

I E I do want to be part of the
situation you tell the Cat II don’t talk

to the

talk talk to me about this shit yeah
watching suited to be a good

like a good aunt or uncle another’s a
man or a woman


yet to dude University of Virginia idiot

ok few a.m.

Nazir saying don’t don’t don’t tell the

sister highest elder sister but you
gotta like not tell the nephew

she told the sister I word if I were you

downplay it to the kid be like dude

that’s what you’re worried about that’s
no big deal I used to do that all the


owner yeah I like one time my dad
splurged on a new keyboard

and I splurged on the new chemo rather

this blue yeah is very nice large nicely
and then you shoulda

I’ll show you in like this 0 I

all you mister uuuu

Lester the molester to me 10

why that I can be shady as I did a lot

ogle Virginia your dog I love my

so downplayed try to get the kid to tell
his mommy

and then the mommy will tell the daddy
the daddy will have attacked with the

kid that is dangling

it daily and I get to see the next time
he does it

I gotta say amen to that I said towed
out to that I say amen to that I say our

our our I

I made a joke about seeing the kid
masturbate it was

you’re already making a difference
checkers want to address the fact that I

don’t actually want to do that

I and to that I say a man and to that I
say all right all right our ad

and to that I say just keep live that if
they were worked out

unequivocally I do not want the kids
math today

but at a shadow doubt I do not wanna see
that kid massive is a day without

any ambiguity at all I did not like to
see children s baiting do that I say

amen to that as a Teradata data set our

iraq RI I realize to do again let him
out on a just have to be

not like a southerner but like tired ass
think your dad

our yeah as they can about it made me

that I say how out my hero with a kid
masturbating ten years from now

I great ty you hear us a headache now

I I heroes do is me in 10 years and now

a good girl is so it’s a good actor I

how is it though is that that dude so
good at being somebody else is so good

at being chill in the air is really
really good at being awesome and acting

eggs you’re good at being awesome as an
actor bad

so you’re good at acting and then being
chill into that we see a man

that we say toda but we say our I

yeah I will have a to that we said that
I is going to be in it there

a to that I say towed out I

Matthew McAdoo at the ranch is good

I think so I think else is to use they
downplay the kid

and have had tell have them tell them on
I would love follow-up up on this

yeah this is a good on this is this one
is unique this one is good this is a

is everything we want and it’s got a
great subject line it’s called nephew

Jack of which I really appreciated and I
think I’m gonna be arrested just for

having that

says the island hello yeah I

who I’ll always nephew jack off to your
email don’t work to make by email

they even I show your tits to Jake

now we talk about that is at least 80 da

a as they are at are at our ad i right

alright alright and I show I once again
we’re going to be taken Thursday of this

week we’ll be back next Monday

keep those themes on submissions a
common the first one was from

Larry said an implant again and thus
next one is from Matt

back our Matt Baron if you have any
theme song or questions have your own

email us at if I were you show at gmail

dot com thanks guys do






cab from no you

captor dead man’s

doin yeah


skinny do how do


average do



trap well down was solid

urge koran


dunno demand Jenkins

if fun

do gmail done


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