Episode 89: One Less Problem (with Ben Schwartz!)

Description:

Ben Schwartz joins us to discuss… whatever the hell he wants.

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low prices so what happened this episode
I

well basically I won’t bore you with the
scheduling conflicts but

Jake is in new york I’m in LA we had to
record an episode

so we ask our buddy Ben Schwartz to
guest host

the episode with me not just be a guest
on the show but for the first time ever

actually guessed host Michelle so what
resulted was a very

a lackey funny hilarious but different
episode

%uh if I were you I think you guys will
still dig it but if this is your first

episode ever

can I recommend starting with some
literally any other episode

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be just love Ben this is gonna be

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I couldn’t a stop in and then go to add

a commercial the middle

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you guys

things got different day holy shit

Allison McCarthy where to go I’ll send
it sound like you’re gonna go for a

30-minute

I you didn’t like it was about to go can
we start this off by saying how sick you

are

I come on look the other way point to
point everything the other way

I public his nose sick amir’s so sick
and he didn’t tell me

so many came to my apartment to record
and he’s very sick

this is the most I mean we got new biker
friends but everything else is really

fuckin bootstrapping Arabia I mean

have Jakes not even here your your mic
stand as I one two three four five six

shoe boxes

you’re facing the wall you hire a user
look at you

I will they permit I wish you would look
the other way I of fun

look the other way I want to look the
other way you’re killin me

look the other way follow you are the
taxes that yeah want to look the other

way

the entire show yes we’re gonna be
facing away free today s

billion a dual yes like it do like we’re
about to make a buncha paces interbank

OJ but were never look at her

II this is that this happened this your
real question sure did you purposely not

tell me very sick as you know if you
told me I wouldn’t do this

I I forgot your kind of a hypochondriac
no its not even

I get sick so easily that there that’s
what that means that you think you get

sick very

but it’s not that I think I know that I
show yeah they are saying if you’re an

actual hypochondriac

you with no the rapper country acts said
the fact that you think they do get sick

and that is that you think you get sick
makes you not a hypochondriac I get sick

very easily cuz I have a very low
defense is a if anybody

agrees with me that they have a similar
thing

then %uh act Amir Blumenfeld on

Graham know at a mere or at Jake and
Amir on Twitter

you what would you want to tell me want
them to explain to you that they

probably have a summer thing I have were
may be there

defense is so men their muses Mills
really low on crappy

what do you do if you’re in a
relationship in your loved one is sick

oh this is a great question I’m
relational upon a sec I will

sleep with them because I love them but

by the way yeah sometimes I’ll be with
someone in the know that I get sick

really

easily edit the film really bad like I
you know what I’m real sick when we wait

a day or so

I’ll so there they’re so nice to you
that they really like it and those are

the ones you gotta keep

yeah but the people that I call you know
I or just let you know it is a fun

if I’m filming something that’s when a
man is not only something I get sick who

cares

I’ve also gone there’ve been times were
like have been a meeting or

or something and the other person’s
really sick and on

and our shake their hands are ever to be
in a room with them playing a bunch

hours and on though

that i’m gonna get sick in the next like
day and a half after that and EU

yes many times but I like others come to
terms with it

like you like you know I’ve now I have
to take this meeting anyway it’s worth

it I get sick for Fortis amor

see you really can’t read you trace it
that early you know like

from that moment 0 that you’re gonna get
sick be getting sick

no i i could tell I usually what
happened is my

I’m I guess or through a really quick or
my nose starts running really really

quick

yeah that’s how mine star felt like it I
dryness sensation yeah I guess that’s a

letter routine like you start feeling
sick then what

we should get into this world for small
let’s 1i II

was acting in something and I was
writing some same time it was dreadful

just like draining myself

and i ended up getting a little bit sick
and I they wanna go the doctor took a

bunch of vitamins and and and really
work

and then I got like a like my head was
just pounding

an end up getting strep pneumoniae for
months I

for surround said them know you’re an
ammonia and it was stuck

in my design diseases in line it was
stuck in my sinuses so is impossible to

get to its only like God I had to go on
three different types of antibiotics

tonight

and also like adding to the doctor for
so long that a I got worse in Wburg

is that the nerdy is thing about you the

that you get a look in the corner a look
around the corner that’s pretty nerdy

but I hear drive apps I’m not facing is
that I can’t

to that fact that looks like Yoda the
editor let’s ridin dirty but strapon

ammonia that’s pretty

now is it was really that I had to go
and they told me that I should get

deviated septum surgery exec unlike any
that my nose

and I was like no way am I can that no I
call you know really help you breed in

the long run up your life

and %uh because I was so sick responding
so much I really started thinking about

like maybe she had a surgery

and then are after pay four months I
think it’s

the closest to like to press really
depressed I’ve gone US

then you get strep depression is that as
a thing let babe and I just combining

where disease and a third your diseases
get dizzy all the US will call you

you I wake up every day and everyday
would not feel better for months

yeah it was and then I was filming a
movie for half a bit and I was just like

who is just sooo much it was so much to
do it like

wat it starts did start to feeling like
you’re just never going to get better

and you start believing that you just
never any better

and that I come over with a call that I
like a letter card know that I see this

is an ad that stupid me I got sick

I got my muscle God 10 strap and I
didn’t read it now to turn in some bars

and they had to take um all these are
wrong

term not UK geez what it called when I’m
a busy kid you induce a heart monitor

your lungs and heart I am because it was
gonna turn to float full blown pneumonia

and it was going to be dangerous for me

yeah it was like you are closed I didn’t
know I’d

costra yeah I am bend your knees said
who had alright

so this is a fire you the only advice
podcast on the internet hosted by Hasan

Amir

takes not here Jake we finally after a
year doing podcast mistimed how many

episodes we needed when one of us is
away from the other

and I realized today shit we don’t have
an episode from Monday

worry but when you text me I texted you
at New not today’s Thursday site XD at

noon and what time

re-recording at 3:55 and that’s pretty
amazing yeah

that’s a great New Year yeah that’s a
that’s a solid turnaround yet we really

appreciate it otherwise would be for me
alone in a room trying to solve people’s

delilahs you wanna show or lorette you
done a show before but we’ve

we’ve never we’ve never done a show
without me and Jake loves that show

yeah this is the for loop remember when
we were all we’re all having fun in your

apartment and one time we all tried to
do too but there’s a bunch people in

your

apartment oh yeah I will try to get
together and now that you do a podcast

is ever there in a lot a really funny
people were there

yeah and we almost pulled it off with
the microphones in or

yeah that’s why but is no microphones
because that day

it was the as the the greatest podcast
that never was

it was always me year yeah me

and I think that that he knows it and
never paying this has got to be the

greatest I guess about I

birds they’re doing it now yeah I serve
even on a show for you know how it works

people

email us in a fire you show a gmail dot
com they got dilemmas and we do our best

to give them advice question is Jake
usually plays himself which is the

douchebag so my question is mine and
then

that is actual I nelson et himself some
say I’m like

do you become their character now lol
are at like instead of view

so should I shipped over to the more
like spill all on a launch a lazy now

you are just want you to believe in
yourself

well let’s let’s let’s get to the first
question we’ll see what answers we have

let’s not

I ask you a question yeah absolutely
identify

I yeah let’s do it and I look at you

no i lucky you know absolutely no I’m
doing this entire fucking shows staring

at a white wall I know I’m sure what we
are and I have a a back room my

apartment that I

store a lot of stuff and that’s where we
are right now were back to back

is there any way to me when asked a
question about you can ask question a

one item in this causes a lot of weird
things in here

a

metallic pact is just a a tiny room with
were

some stuff around yeah I am wanna

line-item a with that ceramic Butler

amazing question there’s in the corner
I’ll

wanna my desk the death I never mind the
highlighter with the highlighter

I great question I

see even my really a Star Wars a

I

number the highlighter about in a packet
CBS Early actual ceramic Butler Butler

yeah is I did a TV show called under
covers

and we found that we’re going yet
cancelled me in the creator went to

wanna sets

I wanna set like this big kitchen set
and i said i wanna steal one thing

21 proper me staying and he’s like at
this is name is done

Josh Reims he created with JJ Abrams and
I was like you know what I’m gonna grab

one thing

and I found that ceramic Butler because
i won it had to be smaller for me to

sneak out with anybody knowing

and I i grabbed it and I took it and
housing you take this is that cool

egos yeah were canceled and that meant
to happen nothing batters

he has been largely this a pretty crappy
like you work so hard he worked on it

for

years and got picked up in a car made in
any guy can’t d do that without them

all your set is still something I
usually ask so that one has to be a

name ’em name is something I probably
have something from low I can’t like so

for example what is this

entertainment 720 males had a picture
like look at that buyers in n/a David

729 and the other guys that were really
call the other yeah

I’ll I know it was the most props I got
any day cuz there’s a whole we did

the in these parts & Parks and Rec both
package on route 30 immune disease

character

started so comical intimate 720 so for
an episode or two we had our own like

business

and everything and Tim some twenty on it
and what’s the props kyle’s like

and then the business folds in like the
same episode but so I was like can I

have some other stuff and he goes

we will make you a bag and I got the
funniest but I have it is all throughout

my apartment like I bet people would
love that shit that 720 swag

only anybody really cares about huge
Parks and Rec Center pay top dollar for

this autographed

entertainment 720 mousepad going up on
live on on on on on on on up online now

talking about

II you can see my face if you could see
my face I

II you know it let me %uh get the first
question could actually about showbiz

for that Leno case you’re doubleday I so
do you always wear ankle socks were

everywhere sneakers are no

I’m in China where no show socks I would
or no show

so I’ll people

you might be an of you know me well
enough to know that I’m I I think I’m

pretty well wait let’s strip it down

okay would you say that I know you very
very well artist kinda well

I would say you know me like seven outta
10 like not as good as my closest

friends but more than adequate and right

I would agree with that as well for you
and I feel like you know me very well

you not as much as my a best friend in
New Yorker ever but you know me very

well we should quite a bit at times as
he moved here

like I feel like your site game is
mostly white white athletic socks that’s

exactly correct but you know I like what
my sock em usually is

I think your site came as long socks no
yeah I I’m

I’ve been to Lake had happy socks that
nice luxury socks like colorful

up traps kind of fancier dress on at the
plate on an american apparel

a t-shirt underneath your day yeah I at
the neck on active military act and then

you were short

are a church that you were short I
learned to trust so when I wear shorts

the

I guess the quote unquote cool thing to
do with shorts a Sox wise

is to know stock’s rate yet no socks or
socks there so sure you can see them

so there’s the stocks that Jake actually
told me about rest in peace is dead

I yeah yeah that sounds that we tell
people

at Sox guide also that have said that
then

I slight in with an old sock story as
socks that only go up

a little bit up your foot so that it
looks like you care for evidence so I

have those as well but when I walk

living go under day to make as I walked
this fly down and they go underneath my

foot and I hate it so stubborn

a so then you can go a little bit higher
than that which you had a nice socks

that I will these are the ones that

these are the but I will I don’t wear
those with jeans during them with jeans

right now right

would you ever gene long dresses are you
at lunch at long dress your socks

and her dog as he sucks dressy shirt Cox

casework at the park own

I you I don’t get any fire

I am question

yet he met a faster version there I V
like we have you got the one let me ask

you graduate do you feel like since he
moved to LA

now you’re more comfortable here the New
York or not

I yeah what its by default a more
comfortable as they lived here

yeah like grew up here that all such as
weather wise it’s very comfortable

it’s so wonderful when I go back to New
York now take an obstacle course

everything is painful and difficult

the true yeah I mean I can’t believe I A
was ever used to that likely believe

it’s not butter

the really near the seekers I can
totally get that

really be at what he did a mic this
could not be but it’s a city

it’s a city it’s not butter salt its
there so sorry you’re a guy right now

it’s two pianos at

I’m sorry about that everything is
either too hot to cold too crowded very

income everybody is very tough they’re
in a good way because they have to

survive

where you’re one of those people I know
I was well as people from a whole life

and I can’t do it yeah I guess

use every day is a gift how’s that her
house every day gift

let’s get a question yeah well we hit
the questions or

shoreline she better as you can with a
guy I know absolutes didn’t do you feel

yeah well have a question lemme too
short film behind you do without Jay

yeah is at few hours after we’re done
for you what is a backlash when we do a

contest video

no I don’t think there’s a backlash just
exercising a different muscle its value

feels

like you that when you say access and a
muscle near like

do you act differently is your process
different when it’s you and I writing

something as opposed to you and Jake

yeah I will house up with Jake and Amir
videos were sorta

I tie to these characters so I’m not
usually the straight man

in our videos I get a cannabis rate at
which is more fun we’re both crazy in

those videos re talking about all the
last 1i thought I was kinda just like

all the last one was the first time I
think your total strip yeah very and my

life I put up awesome

thanks did about you when we do our
country’s bills are both

insane people year wrote but we run a
great driver actually

yeah I don’t like talking a weird way we
just say I agree speak very

matter-of-factly about weird

stupid things asserts want to do to you

someone asked me this before in an
interview on ask you it yeah if you’re

doing a live college amor sketch

and you got a nasty let this guy know
that if you may ask I thought you were

to live college here they said improper
I am proud

yeah but that for you for the C you do
in your culture alive thing are you

doing to Jake and Amir

you have one guess person I it is dead
up

who would you pick a guest to be on our
show like you read a sketch

for this guy or girl did a about to be
on a in the web series

nor no I think to be live on stage or
you know that’s being the web searches

because they’ve been so many who would
you

or by the way how this one living one
dead the dream the

a packed a boat that if you got this
theory known about this person

other shit I russian rape yeah

later put me on the spot and wall

dead would probably be Moses right
because

obviously which Moses Moses Malone okay
as believers say a prayer for the Sixers

measured at I I YouTube as well play it
up with you think you’re better lover

I his with Jake now I would write this
to someone that I wanna meet like I

wanna meet a comedian so that have to
like

like I which is Larry David cuz that I
get to meet Larry David is that your

favorite kind the world

you be one of my favorite people to me
oo okay woody allen keys is almost dead

he’s an almost dead he’s an old guy
you’re no longer

I’d like to meet woody allen how to lie
to me would be on our site where you and

on the whole child molester thing cuz I
got a pretty cool painting at him that I

feel bad putting up

the I that’s like

are you allowed to like Chris Brown song
anymore yeah

can I like put up this culture Jerry
Sandusky years that a huge no no

but by the way I thank you for that
sculpture

thereof course J Stalin up the set a
lower that movie the year and 10 dusty

yeah it was about a I was about the made
it to Jerry Sandusky whose the dust

everything is at the hospital

he becomes a cherry Jerry Sandusky mike
got by the way

God so many they I did a podcast once
was thing Roald Dahl

and I found out he was a huge NSR yeah

and it was so hard to hear and also
harder to realize that

it was being recorded for the world to
hear me react to

be funny other one of my heroes is ahead
that would have hated me and we’ll ask

you to do not even talk to me in real
life

I saw this book this child’s book feels
like who was Roald Dahl it was like a

cartoon picture him like I’m pretty sure
this guy hated Jews

it’s kinda weird to make this like a
cute little friendly kid cartoon like

and said a yeah

that’s a little and then allowed to
still enjoy his work August but to show

silverstein book the three rows very
very own

I was also a raging knowing raging

and tied n tight 08 I’d entirely eight
people here that were dentists yeah

got for saying that there’s an
anti-semite nah nah nah nah nah he was

due to know everybody was a say in
Mindanao

yeah I wanna see you be brave

now on well I listen i’m ok but you may
have

what it do not look at the turnaround no
stone unturned your lights starting to

get a low

I now this year because I don’t think
nobody will be upheld the decision did

you make of it the whole time

where my apartment this was the worst
idea ever to me

I’ve been really sick last today this is
like the first and third

feel like myself again like I would
never even been able to like get outta

my bed for the last three days a week

fact that I’m here at the light you get
me i’d like happy I’m like

singing on the freeway on the way over
here that I come in here like hey whats

up to did you go

you are so sick don’t touch anything
don’t touch me or just so

your decision gusting your voice is like
it’s your throat can even get the vocal

cords out when you grab your nose

yeah nose is just a fuckin cavern and
disgusting when you open the door all

you saw was me as a giant germ like a
fireside calendar light jogs running on

this is like a big chicken is under it

everybody becomes like a big turkey that
any executive pasted ready to go to

Turkey

leading to watch cartoons on your kid we
have course which cartoons and you love

a like even before simpson’s yea thats
to an adult I’m totally young young

Warner Brothers I

Animaniacs yet before that tiny tim’s

if the same error DuckTales how young do
you want me to be made when you were

watching

kids other cartoon as a kid I Tom Jerry

okay yeah the euro corps that yeah

pop I’ll will it before that I’ve gotta
Felix the Cat both the horror that

phases grade is a good joke Alexa Bev

or that before that gum against the wall
art on a cave in

the real thing wow that now that was the
first fucking living roo

alive man if you look at the stars I
guess that guides our three

I guess the stars then

without porn section comes in and that
ariana grande es I never really get into

it

how to sell budgets gaddis it was on the
car I was listening to the radio

and then around for when I hear that

United ago you know that’s played 18
years earlier put a trumpeter pussy

that sorry I that’s ok with that Sir
queefing but

it the now you know when I say every day
gift for that means

I got here sorry dude I have a flat me
laugh

on sale yet this is done yeah work to
jump out the window

it lied to. I’m leaving I’m leaving for
a bunch today’s interview let me say

from turn around your God

I take a picture of what this looks like
they can send it out

I feel like I’m being held hostage you
know I feel like I’m being held us

license their comedy policemen

I can’t even look at you dude how we
serve us the

how’s the list developed the server
rhythm a chemistry her

are you enter a notice saying he was
later right

kept right

awesome that you dare we get to a
question to ask you a question of flesh

are absolutely

I did you have action figures when
you’re a kid that you collected

and no I didn’t no I like like

X manner like like the end it was at
Union actions related to users will be

he-man

Hananel transformers you know my older
brothers did their transformers a bunch

and

cars cars is a movie that just came out

yeah I add they will that cars to
actually I’m gonna be here

a butter I never had and I never really
I guess I’ll upload trading cards

basketball cards and yes I did I would
be a little tops a little freer

did you have the fuckin binders even
call me maybe I really have no I in a

binder if you have like a weird
encyclopedia college and NBA players

like I J dollars

I loved it i loved it audio ad Doc
Rivers is real name is Glenn

wow how now as bad as literally from the
cards are you gonna do it also know what

like the bugs are on a Tyrone correct
value

but not to invest on up is blue Edwards
is real name I don’t do you know the

answer that

I doubt us we can we hear others about
web spud Webb

oh wow hold up arm I’ll

Marcus now lol is it Anthony

antennae when i comes but he’s like a
little tiny bit error

that is the most raise the stick with
members said what do you taste funny

I inspired means potato missed

basis at all I does his job but I
columns but work cuz im

because his mother fuckin potato I bet

but on the other is is although it’s not
we would also who else is there

I am only like the number I’ve everybody

the number everybody really I’ll jersey
numbers yeah

my price 3 25 really

yeah I a mmm

as good as a patch again we’re an
expense that 30-degree drexler

22 nice what’s club dresses real name

girl cloudy at Walt Clyde Frazier
drexler

the third no really its it’s mushy

yeah maquiladora is where there was yeah
i dont

believe except it was it was it front
sleeps I athletes

F are AT&T L UPS head there now is his
first name

yeah and the last day was strictly
directly in front let’s check later that

make sense

my for all at a vagina

a Kia pro a year ziad I DUI

I that actually why her names in bold

you I like that song

yeah it’s good there’s a couple good
results catch

I don’t actually I i remember when T I
was working on house flies were talking

when you talk about a record label is
like a habit I sign this girl from

Australia

and he’s like he told me her name and I
was like oh Angie said never again as a

guide on or

and they’re like three months there
she’s the biggest artist horrible dad to

the fancy watches at which they painted
the song the summer

I honestly I’d probably say it’s on a
summer’s

a gimme a beef bolognese your own again
lol should just let it so I N drift away

that’s the sunless summer forgive me it
was your first

a game a hamburger now I oversee girl
give it some

leaks coli and other cell but

I’ll on a lot some ice issue lol any and
all day

organically today no one eat all day

his there that was the worst I think oh
my god today I was with somebody

today I was with somebody that was that
is I’m not famous it also was far more

famous anime

far more pic I would love not allowed a
who love 90 it is it doesn’t matter who

it is but just

whereas I could tell that the person was
probably coming up to me

to try to somehow get to the person I
was with ok he was like a huge shown in

health &

the opposition was no allies in China
held by the by John held tight lycra

said on Saturday come up to you love
this yeah come up to me

they come up to me they go love you and
Jake and Amir man wow

love you and Jake America up thanks man
it so can you are bent

and they say their name the church
lovers ago figure greater

I added that there is any guys like
talking to the uglier friend to talk to

the hockey rats by the game

yeah it’s like gotta be nice this ugly
Pisa shit so I can talk to the beautiful

person so did the

famous person let’s say Mark Ruffalo
other but

when I laid the face person knew were
taken merely a dick yep

he really good you know but they keep
all old Marion IA

but the person dead II said bigos at

yeah they asked where people recognize
you from usually

I say Parks and Rec it’ll get a lot of
people caught up in Sanjay comere

but then I said if the people are young
they actually do said you can hear quite

a bit I’ve got and that probably more
consistently drama life

because we’ve been doing those short
films for ham if it mean probably 10

meter

eight years fifteen 8 you 115 thirteen
years

how the forty 32 a CS and so

we have in Effingham 40 archie no or

anybody other than me is by forty we
were hella mean do in Japan merch

the since 2007 Wow seventeen years ago

yeah the map that up oh and I was doing
a bit release some ten years ago

I I was in a bit drill also

what you talking about seventeen years
it’s like it’s been twenty seven years

know it’s been 37 years because we
started in seventy seven on manifold

pat down now mann et Baghdad nah

permit hmmm opening that is not
reelected other rights that sound

noticing we were so accurately

head in the clouds and year face on my
cell

there’s are you nervous I’ll there let’s
get

ariana grande 82 at us at Jake and Amir

the that would be good person to be on
the shit ive ever doing she seems very

own the music video

how old is she I don’t know by the way I
i

new up her but not really and then I saw

are her at members at the MTV Music
Awards

the MTV Music Awards yapping or
something and I never see him perform

forge played that song

with the years earlier and I thought it
was awesome I like God

now is good I here’s a pretty here’s a
cool fact

ariana grande a guess what her real name
is a high can’t wait for the Tigers Sri

Lanka

are Ashley Greene ariana grande a

hyphen boot error pretty close

the terraces amina her name is your
parents alike ground a and one was boot

era surname is ariana grande de bateria

but that’s like one of those people like
that they’re our team name pro older she

feeling that I’m gonna guess

twenty-years-old she’s 21 21 were 1993

1993 cheeses here my dad used to say I

whenever you meet somebody really only
goes I have shoes older than you

crown say that a lot and I take dumps
bigger than you ever take a baby

yep he was like a curmudgeonly copyright
it was a cop right on the beach

yeah here’s a cop on the beat the Dennis
got what number did you are

three it’s very good demure mark-up I

urine in that whole Orlando magic team
you wanna go

person per person see who fails an
anthem at first that would be tough

under star Nick Anderson

okay what numbers again risen 25 cracked

and Nick Anderson precedence cars that
are taken

we’ve already done it and over that we
are talking about shaquille o’neill

whenever 30 tip over a

medicare and the from was a harsh grant
on their lender manicures

so an American assuming he kept his own
number 54 oh that’s a great question

okay your turn I

I re talking about the Brian Shah

years up the shot Shack redemption I
don’t know if we are by the way

the phone from Orlando to Los Angeles CA
be so bored I

it was light headed out for a while yet
changes we have to do Lady the tramp it

that that trend for me

free 3

a here’s a question for you

I have a question for your ok yaar I I

your how much I was on this thing well
my god

we could easily get this whole thing
without ever answer your question yell

my question is why I ask you a question

yep up where would you be upset if in
answer to grant no I don’t think so

but hold on one second I have to I am
clear my throat

a herd drugs as do I get back

for you me we me do you think you should

I’ll

got K yeah so

touching public I’ll you’re so sick

is recording

can you when you okay okay so I me right
now is going to my bathroom

using my sink and coughing up yellow and
red

liquid so he could talk better from

can you not use my towels when dry
handsome we might be throwing up

to something discussing is having a
battery as

and take you through it sounds like he’s

chilling into the toilet right now no
into the sink sounds like he’s listening

to ariana grande a

do a little yoga routine and is back

how they feel a good

it always feels good to cop something up
the bet is that’s no longer in you

the best turnaround yeah I just the best

I could tell you were I every time I get
sick a of my life it just turned a

different color everything gets terrible
i infected very quickly

you notice that the color mucus changes
from white to green as the

longer sicknesses yet he really doesn’t
earn degree burns a brown usually

really yeah I get brown in like suffered
that

well spud colored spoke about who

a when I was setting up I was like hold
on I need 10 more minutes 15 more

minutes identify questions iraqi a
absolutely

a with your goal the entire time to
never actually happy answer

a sec you’ll be the first time you said
a arm unless you question my interrupted

your

yeah and you quickly said a good then I
was like I you know I I bet I can do

this where

you never chance especially but I also
remember that

the other time to the podcast either you
tell me your Jake told me that people

were pissed reading get the

the amount of questions that we’re just
talking about we’re talking nonsense all

time they were upset when he gets the
actual stuff

I don’t have people are upset I mean
every time anytime you so let s let’s

answer one

okay I’m cash your question sir yeah

but then throwing up I okay a

do you want it to be about a animals
show-business

her nipples which was your real answers
right now job you want yep

you to animal its usual business

show-business is there’s no

bears a plaque her man my

her hey guys I have an edge yeah

lady who wrote this fake names this is
from

but check now ok that spell chocolate
called challenge gas smell like choc its

Belgian Alex alcott tender

con with ED child cut end confit Simmons

always a router there is no up now the
coach the Phoenix Suns there and it’s

already

named two other Phoenix Suns like Kevin
Johnson Tom Chambers

him camped in that’s a real person Mark
long

know you’re making people Pepe the

dan marley are a year ago red ink I have
an issue

basically I have an answer for the
Harrison already Wow push through it

push through it K I couldn’t agree at
less

less is more I read it yep I have an
issue he writes

hand late was named Chuck chalk cut &
the choc

cut and writes hey guys I have an issue
basically other that to

group and about to come to a major
turning point of my life

I’m Canadian living in London age 24
stop you right there a bit or Canada for

the past month for 30 days as a bunch of
going back in 10 days yeah

weather is what I want to get sick she
and I know about Canada

okay I know I get it I know about
Montreal not have a Montreal I at NU

II continue I have two choices he writes
let me stop you

okay in life you have a lot of a rather
than always have to be about to death

it’s not always about what writer Wilson
II real I have to stop here that I

really think I gotta get through the
whole thing cuz I P likely stop me after

every sentence

every sentence fragment actually we’ll
never get to the end I should let us

have a day after

I I got alright forty-five minutes or we
can go longer

the with you as long as you are baby boy
but usually forty-five minutes yep

I have an issue that is a firm firm
number %uh

I have an issue basic fat data

day it I a

saliva India’s the air when you’re on
the air

I have an issue basically I’m about to
come to a major turning point in my life

I’m Canadian living in London age 24 and
I have two choices

I can go to Oxford for which I got a
late acceptance

a which I’ve always dreamed for a
graduate degree in policy analysis

or I can move to LA and become a
screenwriter which is what I love

I’m a competent writer I’ve been
employed for the last 18 months or so at

a

and paid an exorbitant wage to write
textbooks in political economy

no need to brag a friend in my flatmates
just came through to stay with us

I says the guy sprawl

ok but pooh-poohing your see

a friend of my flatmate just came to
hear this I

her same

yeah amazing if we weren’t friends
there’s a be the most disrespectful

thing you could ever do

you just you borderline would have
ruined the gel

why if this if the if this was like a
favor de you have to have you on the

show

I

you and then you just did this

no comment others well we respect the
girls are

go I

I know it’s going to stay up to 90 come
on and ratifies oh and by the way I’m

gonna wait more than a second

it will be funny if I do it immediately
so I’ve the way for a good time

ago a friend I

slices on my head I’m a 33-year-old moon

that I was actually playing an airhead
united in holy about up to the

microphone

herman has only till tell you till two
year toward the microphone that came out

the problem is the funniest part is the
trumpets and it’s it’s too hard try to

find the trumpet in part of a song

cuz ab-soul look it just you know yeah
the world is a high class broad

houses are hot as I had to act last bow
that

yeah that’s a funny word out then

high-class problems that and I gotta
okay I so is this person was gonna

Oxford

or you he wants to become a writer right
away or is it is in my question

let me let me let me get to the end of
it are you have course up from crabs

obviously

yeah okay I

scale I could hear yourself

I kill it is on the cell the

random I’ve but made just came through
to stay with us

not much older than I am any dropped the
bomb that he’s been hired to write

Rambo 5 with writing partner

that’s amazing my lease in london is up
in early September I’ve saved up about

thirty thousand dollars if I go to
Oxford advantages if I go to LA

I have no interest in the industry no
formal education are you have a guy

that’s ready the next

Rambo movie so do I go to the best
university in the world

for a subject I find really interesting
or do I

go to what I think will make me happy
love

child content ok able that I have
questions and I would ask you

RA I’ll try to answer them as best you
know when the answer probably within

that

document that I’m saying km so home when
my questions is

he described it as should do something
that I love

right denise is the first thing so many
loves hier

yes or or what was the other one son

a or do I do what I think might make me
happy

but is it ish you’re interrupting your
cell show isn’t that the

yeah how is something that you love not
something that makes you happy

I sorry he said go to the best
university in the world for a subject I

find really interesting

or do I do what I think what no when you
but there’s appeasement to be a military

loved it the first thing

to a up there

yeah I was raped the or

I can move to LA to become a
screenwriter which is what I love

sailors rating

okay he loves reading is good at a

learning shit well this is what this is
what I would say

will this affect when many people donald
was a cry perfectly but I feel like in

this podcast this might help many people

a not come to you as well I’m assuming
but well ask when they come into college

just like both but you and I did

and it’s very scary to say you wanna do
comedy wanna mean actually were

you wanna write the last what’s the best
method to do it what would you do

the way that I describe it is that I
gave myself a couple years

after graduating college to try because
it’s impossible it’s impossible to do

this it’s so impossible

spy possible make money in summer that
so I give myself 2012 to your window I’m

gonna try this

I’m 21 years old im gonna go for it and
see what happens if I fail I found I

know that I tried I’m gonna go for it
totally I’m going to immerse myself in

this world

a try my hardest so I would say if you
really wanna if it’s something that your

passion about

arm go for it and try for it but I would
say this also

if you had a job that you actually
really like it sounds like he likes his

other job or yeah I’m sorry likes the
idea but I Oxford

just like that what’s stopping you from
going Oxford in writing at the same time

but why can’t you develop your its crew
just you would have to just

I power through an incentive drinking
24/7

you know after you done with your
classes right create you can create an

create all your stuff why you getting
education educational probably help you

be a better writer

so I don’t know if it’s possible to do
both do it but I will say if you’re

wondering

when is the right time to take a chance
the earlier the better is what I would

say

yummy by the way didn’t your time is
never up you can be a father i’ve

50 and you know what i mean start to
start writing and stuff like that

from a father 50 kids the touch other
than white about it is fifty instill a

doing stuff like that but arm for me
when I was younger hours I had the same

summer choice over my own do this job
irma tried to this

and fail for a very long time it’s very
scary thing you’re going to the only way

to succeed is to fell for a long time

or in my case at least not by a long
time but you really have to try hard

when she say will use a mere you and
from you’re you’re a very unique case

because you got a job

in what you love the second you
graduated college yeah I was fortunate

that regard but a lot of people who do
stand-up succeeding are the ones that

take the risk

and i right it really does happen
earlier rather than later

but in the but not to say stopping have
someone listen to this and i ka Shannon

35

fuck that anybody it’s just a matter of
arm

you have to really go for it now and
this is a adjusting think this from the

blast like they do for a long time

as a question for you on the air is it I
mean I would never had the balls to tell

someone

I thought I should follow your dreams
terrible like

well the circular would you do if
someone is someone yeah what if they’re

not good

let someone’s bad it their dream
shouldn’t is in the wise advice to not

go for not saying that this Kevin I’m
saying about me not to say that you and

I are very good at what we do and not to
say we’re also not saying like we’re not

saying anything in Hebrew

but this is all your what does that mean
we’re not saying anything in hebrew

I don’t know that mean we’re speaking in
English right of course right

course it goes without saying I don’t
have to mention that fact my question

yeah to you are you allow that would you
let E

/url shows a example in your life that
you had to do this very like

this person do this for 10 years they
probably don’t have what it takes

how do you handle it how do you pull the
cord or would he do what would you say

to me

would you Toma no I if it’s a good
friend of mine I would say like maybe if

they’re

I mean life sort of forces you to stop
following your dreams at a certain point

who that’s really scary sentence

like you at the end of the day you need
money to live

so if you don’t have money you’re gonna
have to take a shitty job

but also there’s a way for people this
is a different thing if it’s your

passion in your love like

improv even if I didn’t have any success
and whatever I would want to improper

the rest my life

yeah but you’d still need a job that I’m
saying though I but I woods I would

probably

not making a ton of money you work at
like a shoe store do improv

a hmmm United workers news for for two
years was like

I mean I’d I’d still want to do it no
matter what’s I think those people who

still have a huge passion love for it

they’ll continue doing it if it makes
them happy to keep going you see been

performing like that’s

I would be i mean that’s ready now and
that’s what I would’ve done a matter

what

yeah but um I’m usually pretty
risk-averse but this guy one has a lot

of hands

to the has thirty thousand dollars three
is 24

up four and doesn’t even sound like he
he says he loves it but he says he likes

the other thing to it such a

it’s like is usually if you really are
totally into it it’s like

this is what I’m gonna do there’s not
even a and you just this but I’m gonna

do

yeah I got I this is all I want to do is
is all I ever want not ever by whenever

in

for me this wasn’t even a choice is i
this this is like

being an astronaut mike is i mean a
thing that is on the list of things when

I went to school in Riverdale our edge
minor when I went to school in

Union College it’s like it wasn’t even a
thing that you think about its not an

option is not a choice that you can take
often this is what I want to be a

wannabe comedian-actor

so for me was a real thing arms to a net
was like i’m a dreamer as my whole life

because if the dream was too big to even
think I’ve it’s like walking on the moon

to me

it’s another here are you happy at all a
no

yeah years or to vote for it known on
very very happy I’m very pleased

but you’re young of course some I’m
ecstatic you know you get to work with

people you love them both you look up to
but

there’s that moment you always want to
try to get better what you do a stranger

wide in your grasp on whatever and so on

thank you growing to the more you go the
more you get closer to getting those

products that you really wanna do

accord a b2b in a Coen Brothers movie or
to act with Bill Maher you mean like all

those things to be so incredible

where there’s always more to attain yeah
do anything that Steven Spielberg

directs toward spike jones I would do
anything

to be missed by Jones movie FSR her I
was like so car I loved it

so it’s like I there’s always something
bigger another question I always army in

up of topics as conversation on his
things is

when is it enough like what do we
chasing I come here when you gonna be

satisfied

is it monetary is that what it what is
it that you are

what what the state is there stop
pointing at million dollars

then they went to England as you’re done
yeah I’m done about that is that Amanda

what would you do so. I

I would just spend it be happy sorry
chill out like

you know is generally smile and enjoy
the world because I I’ve

I’ve won the game of life one really
does and how long will that million

dollars last year

I don’t know maybe a to three years
before I

and then what would you do kill myself
why because I would have no more money

time you know that sounds like to me a I
think I can get

a I love and I got damn it

well have anything we’ve really help the
sales a sample I

knowing this but sixty seven million
views like the biggest song the world

you know a little bit if somebody told
Iggy Azalea not to go for James disdain

Australian good I school there

decision after high school yeah I don’t
know

i really wanna in the Sun now I’m not
gonna give it to you its loading on

lemme

that the separate the one part at the
one time I 18 you not gonna give to I’m

trying to YouTube admits

everything I’m working I am my airplane
by amp

prompt ramp up this is so funny arianna
ground a

I’ve just learned who she is and we’ve
given her so many

her talk about it so much just loaders
years

$67 million what’s the highest view
count what’s the most popular economic

I think Gangnam style has one billion
views know it is going to be here to

take rejecting a video

I don’t think it is dead because it has
the guys like the fact goes dancing me

and it’s got like the task in a korean
guy knock nope

dats no I’ll I there was by the logic
here on YouTube

yes I think we had a couple videos break
a million

really yeah it’s amazing which one with
the most damaging you know it’s

back I you know some stuff but not
really enough stuff I know I’ve seen

many of them

but not the older ones that end I
remember in NBA inside stuff

yeah okay cool come back later for more
stuff

and has a before mister just a wrap up

the a.m Orlando Magic game we’re playing
remember and pretty hard away

course number one penny hardaway yeah I
have a sneakers let’s let the nickname

plus cinematic flair

plus the the jersey number yet yes
that’s what they call a call back

it’s amazing in in there it probably
already past 45 minutes

well the UN to the bathroom for a
two-minute yeah I was Hawking

what you would call a Luigi I’ll home
Luigi at home

maria’s yeah I the anything else the art
thou great

anything else you want to mention you
have to end a forty-five minutes now I

mean we can go get people get bored her

a I think if people were gonna be bored
they would’ve artist up listening

own ass you got a question this is
either their lease term most favored up

is another serious bear

well what are they like last time that I
was on that we can do again is there

something they love that we talked about
her know

I think it was just there having you on
it like a woman prime logic can you talk

really do much I’ll

do a movie called a the walk

arm it’s about it’s like a if you guys
have seen the

documentary man on wire it’s going to be
a movie version of that we’re just gonna

blame for liberty

who is the guy who walked on the wire
between the twin towers in the seventies

does the guy who is the actual guy
public a cute little wink wink

cameo in the movie letters a girl or
buys a pack a bubble gum from

I don’t know I’m not share I’m not and
I’m not in a scene with him if he is

every really fun no at the seven madame
I have not Joseph a medal but I am NOT

meant

I know this is america’s min the neck
kisses my favorite movies back to the

future and he

directed that Andhra Who Framed Roger
Rabbit was a huge deal my life

and Forrest Gump the usual my life and
he’s director of three and he is

so kind and this is what I’m trying to
learn because I like

read aloud reports people work with
scorsese year work with my cum

other be there we look up to and they
stay collaborative

like to make this is still collaborative
someone has an idea for the scene to

listen to it

some has an idea how to adjust I like a
listen to it and if you like to change

it to be like I could do that

which i think is so smart I think

I i think if you just are so stuck to
everything

it’s not you know you need to be
collaborative is to create

and um he has the third he has such
beautiful camera moves every single

scene

is so well-planned and so beautiful and

he can make he can make mean you talk in
this room doing nothing sitting in seats

you like so beautiful somehow and do you
have Joseph gordon-levitt’s

a phone number her why

I think you’ll be height if you gave it
to me

remain the caveat tight with who

well above what we I wanna text joke I
hope about what

I’ll just say hey whats I wanna know a
few acres are to me

month I wanna know jus a good blow
deserting me

from okay you want me do you want me

kanu I gotta be the onset he’s probably

I’m usually filming mentally to the
movies in every scene but I’ll really

yeah I shit RA maybe his email address
then I’m not gonna give you any

information

door there’s a that the Mac is dude
salsa sounds pretty chill if you want to

be in an episode

preach Hill yet the Mac itself can I
like a cool cat you know who he is

I feel like I can get along with them he
did the government v-ray he’d been far

as got saddle

and out by gamma Irish I know your name
of their estate casually oh my god

they are going on then turned his head
and have pockets

he does get their life was like a box of
chocolates he’s got

he is gonna he’s got he’s not too bright
I’m Obama my

man nnnnn he’s got out he is gonna

he’s got up but that’s alright from
bumper to bumper

a bandana

now got a lot of big a Laver et

he told JFK that he really had to pee

she and everyone was too smart be cuz

his mom always told us they’re busy with
it does with his girl

kids get out he’d go oh my god that’s
our

I have to say you know about all that
money I’ll

a we probably know so many words is only
right outside the you don’t even know

you know all the words

metals like to have an access that in 20
years butts

it somewhere in my brain tucked away the
madam anna is a

down and I love my where mothers other
time now yeah

saying carbonated CO %ah Sood a South
Florida

I I don’t know that one at other later
run said the man allowed

I asked him in a min an arrest be right
he said dr. to

though I am 30 fps on a run on

do you know any Weird Al originals a

mare hair hair hair ernie at

but can no problem BAE Sweden there

ernie well I won’t you go out with Amy

you now on now that’s a great one do
everything you know is wrong

saying it and everything you know is Ron

up is down like his way to ensure it is
La when I have an art thing you thought

was so important doesn’t matter

adding bad hair day began to the new CDs
from alan is to be very soon

yeah july 15 adults give him a plugged
lie do it enough mandatory fun Weird Al

Yankovic do it

you follow me on instagram: i Ju he
actually

direct message me tommy is gonna lead me
his new album

what I don’t know we’re now I think we
just follow John on Twitter ambassador

to snow pants like

ten times and I don’t think he’s gonna
do it when years he’s so

kind he’s such a kind man but I don’t
know him very well I just

know him through Twitter the is there
anything you want the plug before you

had to leave

when has come out I don’t have to leave
Monday my meetings a 530 with I’m gonna

445 we’re getting close yeah I

i think im dumb this combat this Monday
yeah

on July 14th my brother’s birthday this
is where I leave you a movie called

Israeli view comes out in September

but is not my before then what a man is
gonna come up before then

are nothing like to talk about now but
hopefully when this comes out

you guys in autumn talk about or if not
it didn’t work out

who this is bebe really weird the air
that’d be great

Amir knows huge news are nothing in our
it’s literally that

that’s that’s the whole story about his
own business if there’s nothing at all

nothing happened nothing nothing
happened this was a joke yeah but if

this is huge news is the first time I
saw was about to talk about a burden

can you believe it well I did is so is
have any

but another got I love them Ellingson
for all the pokers

a member there that my friends I played
bad I was like I was on course

and %uh play basse-bolle like friends
all other nerdy guys clausen art and

also was found other sports caster I
like playing a sport

a member my sports guys never got into
weird al didn’t care about it all

the airline on areas and I would top it
all day David Fernandez

let’s go shower to David Fernandez who
used to go to his house in the in the

Bronx in Riverdale

he’s dead now right and hope he’s alive
the divers Acadiana

he’s ok the smartest person in the world
hiya hiya he would watch

everyday would go home from school we
would be macaroni and cheese we watch

Disney Afternoon

listen a weird out he’s a person just me
of spring when it first came out smashed

a record

who on later and I was older but I
though he was my best friend

when I was growing up I him we used to
love listening to Weird Al and

and watch The Simpsons our stuff I wish
that how in the packet

let just sounds I

and one way or another one where we can
the pika let me if i buy guess is that

getting to people are Roman and as they
don’t talk for an hour

we just assume that Ben Stiller and on
shit over in a room next the microphones

breathing into them

the is just breathe they are using a
cenar that’s really funny it’s a really

funny idea

the obvious early well where this is
going to NC tell me what we’re wrapping

up

it’s been an hour that’s pretty good for
answering one fucking question

see know me

yeah ok got get outta my apartment let
flood threat

eyes once it thanks for filling in for
Jake’s of course on such short notice by

the way

yeah what was the last like celebrity
hung out with

for person you know that’s famous who we
can talk about a million loan fell

your celebrity absolutely bombing you’re
absolutely slavery we do when obviously

now you can see my fucking name on the
podcast home where have I was a real

fucking big deal would be a hush-hush
secret okay

who Sandusky up live blogging guide I
knew it

there is me send %uh skin Donald
sterling Anna this isn’t to say I know

for if you have your own questions that
you want us to eventually answer on the

show

please if I really shell at gmail dot
com

at Jake Hurwitz and and

well the incisors though restore
accepting them using them to start and

close every single episode with an
original p.m. Sunday could be anything

right

yeah could be it can actually be a
parity have that song

one less problem without York be in
original I

the opening was by someone else and
McCarthy thanks allyson great job to

have a

out to an outer skull

many patrol 1 but

you love it I mean I guess I do like
that son

a minute so now I’m a 32-year-old male
who like setup

than fair to say Jan although the facts

I I’m not ashamed like a son there’s
going to be all sorts a musical all a

bit you gotta be open to enjoy music

I’m gonna cut you off did you’re you’re
going crazy yea paragraph

pay the follow your dreams and tonic
gotta follow his dreams but if you can

do both at the same time

why not I that it to you like yeah I’m
between something you love or something

you want to do

is like your your powers and marriages
champagne problems baby

yeah and the last thing is though that I
need as O on as my last

jam band proudly

no this last the stature things I love
by Cat in San something at an air base

alyna thanks Ben sure

of course guys I do I wanna play one
quick thing on a plug-in

I am A the contest videos yeah

that J&J can I do yeah

at by by guys at rejected ok my Twitter

Allah they can inhibit

moment has become please help me out
what would you do

from New York to California yeah oh yeah

their best places to you if

I really am it but only you lemme

whose wanna do for me who cashed a kto
postseason cheeses taken trig Asian

probe released

moved clear should I do if I were you

wired and with should do

the game can you how you doing this
morning so kind to be on the show with

us today

if you can’t make a mark rushmore of
hip-hop music

kids spaces got to be there if you put
nd NWA up there you but I stupidly put

snow welfare

you have to have room poor the game

hey I remember going he does shit like
that my print model aa your

11 mission every week podcast 1 dot com

downloaded their podcast oh and eat dot
com

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